So I posted a cd rp and I need some feedback so I can see where I stand. Honestly reading over my previous rps from my last outing with NEW, I feel like I've improved somewhat, but I'm the type that prefers someone telling me in their honest opinion how my rp was. The rp I posted yesterday is my first in three years.
As promised, I'm going to give you some feedback on your CD RP.
From the start, you introduced Haven's current whereabouts and his job specification to the audience. That is always a good thing to do. When you're introducing a character for the first time, you need to give the readers some general insight into their life and their personality. When you give vague details, or explain little to nothing about their background or the actual character, you leave the audience asking a ton of questions because they're confused and unsure how to take the character. So that gets a thumbs up from me, because in one paragraph, without reading any further than that, I summarized that after Haven departed New Edge Wrestling, he joined the Police Academy and graduated as a Cop in Atlanta, and he still has an addiction to thrills and exhilirating experiences that he did before. Usually a police job can be boring and mundane, but you made his current assignment seem like every day is an exciting thrill for him, which is an interesting way to delve into his psyche.
Processed should have been possessed. Always proof-read your work before posting to avoid grammatical or spelling errors.
You didn't need to specify that the vest he "forgot" was bulletproof. Most of us would have come to that conclusion without the added description, since he is a Cop heading into a dangerous environment. I did like forget being put into quotation marks, emphasising that he lives on the edge without caution, even if it can cost him his life because he's reckless and irresponsible.
You explained his reason for being daring, that because of the Psycho and Alyssa situation in 2011 - which I firmly remember, because I helped construct that storyline - he set out to rebuild his life in a new way. Unfortunately, this was done in one sentence. I would have prefered a little more backstory into why he felt that his life had crumbled. Maybe you did this later in the RP. If not, you can always do it in a future one, just to give the roster a reason to invest in the character and sympathize with his actions and why he feels this way.
Now there is a strong critique coming up next. When Haven gets distracted by his thoughts of the past during a serious gunfight and he gets shot. Now, I can't speak on behalf of everyone, but I doubt anyone would succumb to these kind of thoughts in the middle of a threatening situation such as this. If he started thinking about NEW AFTER the fight had ceased that would have been better, but not when he is embroiled in a battle to the death with little to no protection. You do stress that it was rather foolish for him to think about those things after he gets shot. While I do agree with that, it shouldn't have been done in the first place.
The best thing to do is to think ahead. Think when a certain plot element will be appropriate to do, such as a flashback to an earlier event or a dramatic scene. Think of how it can come into play from a realistic and logical standpoint. That way you will prevent bewildering things like this from happening, and you can also prevent further criticisms.
So Haven, now "dead", or so we're led to believe, fades away into his subconcious and delves into a tunnel of remembrance fashioned by his memories. This works from a first-person perspective because it is what he is mentally experiencing. We all experience different things from our subconcious, so I can't claim this is false. I once dreamt I was in an invisible car chasing coloured lights along an endless black tunnel when my brother put me in a Camel Clutch and knocked me out cold by accident. Yeah, that move actually messes you up, but I digress.
This next part is what I hoped you would have done earlier, and I like it. You gave the reader a background into his prior wrestling career and the heights he reached when he was still fairly new. Now we understand the history and hardships he went through to achieve his goals. Now we're invested in how he will be upon his return, and if he can do better than he did last time. You concentrated solely on the Silver Briefcase here, which is find, but I think a continuation of his backstory is in order. I think you should go into detail about the Youngblood Title next, and maybe add some more insight into Psycho and Alyssa as well, building up to the moment when his life changed forever.
Haven also has a strong desire to scream a specific line at a certain point in a wrestling match, something you said he has never done before, but he has always wished to do it. That adds human qualities to what is shaping up to be a genuinely human character. When you read this, you believe there is someone out there like this who truly exists, someone with a daring attitude that can sometimes be irresponsible and self-absorbed in their extreme tendencies, someone that relives their past at inappropriate times, and someone who has ambitions that have never been realized yet.
Depth is a great thing to have for a character, otherwise they become one-dimensional and stale very quickly. Multiple layers help them stand out and become not only noticeable, but identifiable as a whole. To avoid being one-dimensional, don't have Haven focus on the same things all the time, such as his past relationships and his tendency to bend the rules. Have him react differently to things. Have him do various things instead of the same old, same old. Obviously I'm not saying you should start doing this right away. Just concentrate on establishing him with the backstory you have and work from there.
And what do you know, it was all a dream. I'll be honest, I would have liked it better if he really was shot, but he survived the wound and the gun battle. Maybe he could have woken up in the hospital as a cliff-hangar instead of the alarm going off. But hey, since you did end the RP on that note, perhaps the bullet wound DID happen. Maybe he IS in the hospital and it's a scheduled alarm next to his bed. Maybe you can have Haven re-think his career as a Cop and decide to go back to wrestling, and his police colleagues either protest or support his decision. It's that kind of writing that keeps the reader interested, and it also helps you stray away from the cliche conclusion of "oh it was all a dream, this never happened, so really this was all a waste of time, but at least you learned some history about the character".
You now have the choice to either go that route, or go with what you were originally planning. Personally, I say you go with the bullet wound scenario. Maybe he was relieved of his duties after recuperating in the hospital due to his unsafe behaviour. Maybe he decides that his heart truly lies in the wrestling ring and not in the police force. You have different ways of getting from Point A to Point B. It could be a certain time after the shooting, like five months ahead or something. But with that wound comes a whole list of opportunities you can do. I'm just offering you a suggestion on how Haven can depart the police force, and you've also given him an instant weakness that the bad guys can exploit and what he can struggle to overcome, which is always a plus for a babyface.
Overall, this wasn't bad at all, but it did have a few critiques that were highlighted above. Honestly, I was expecting a generic promo RP without much character development, so this was a pleasant surprise to see. Your writing flows, and from what I can remember, it is an improvement on the writing you were doing before you left. It will take some time to adjust to how the fed has changed, but you'll soon get to know the styles of writing that are used and how the various members here tell their stories. The best way to improve is to read, read, read. Read some of the RP's on the board and see what the other members do. See how they form their stories and how they use wrestling relevance, which is always important. Get a grasp of how to tell your stories and how to gain interest in your character, and how you can maintain that interest overtime.
Once you get an idea of how to write your RP's, improvement will come in time. Practice makes perfect after all. Don't be disheartened with losses either. You'll come to find that from a loss, you can ask where you went wrong, and you'll be given the reasons why so that you can improve accordingly. Owen Gonsalves and Ricky Cassels learned well from this method, and they're now two of the best roleplayers in the fed. Owen still has stuff to learn, but Ricky vastly improved from trial and error. You can become just like them with the correct guidance and critical reception.
I hope this feedback serves you well, and I hope you can run with my idea on how to follow-up on this first CD RP and really give Haven an interesting backstory. Welcome back to NEW, Matt.
Last Edit: Feb 15, 2014 9:51:23 GMT -6 by mattslater