Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2015 0:04:32 GMT -6
Ignite 200 was the first Ignite since me winning the N.E.W World Heavyweight Championship. How fitting is that? The title I have been chasing since I first stepped foot in this company was mine, and now I was going to celebrate that win on the milestone birthday of the show which ushered in a golden era of New Edge Wrestling under Jesse Styles’ leadership.
As customary for NEW World Champions, I was given the honor of opening the show...so naturally, I had to do it Blair Buchannan style. I had to make it special, because not only was I walking into Ignite 200 as the World Champion but also as a NEW Hall of Fame: Class of 2015 Inductee. Funny how things work out, isn’t it?
Because of this very special occasion, I was approached to do one of my famous promotional commercials..for old times sake. My commercials have known to be a little bit racy, but this was okay because NEW was now available for online streaming only which meant that censorship went out the door.
I live unapologetically and don’t really care about what other people think or say about me. It’s a choice that should go hand in hand with becoming a public figure in any arena. This isn’t always the case. If you’re a religious leader, or a politician, or a school teacher then you need to take other peoples thoughts and feelings into consideration. Lucky for me, i’m neither a politician nor a school teacher. I’m an entertainer...a professional wrestler...and a supermodel. Not a role model…So what exactly does that mean for me? It means that:
&& Could give two shits about what somebody has to say about it.
This brings me to that scary bitch Valora Santiago or whatever the fuck her name is. People seem to think that the two of us are in some kind of a feud when that’s really not the case. I could care less about this chick. Seriously, she’s the one who is completely obsessed with me. I’d hate to say this because I really believe that women can and should be able to coexist in the workplace--even if their job is to beat the shit out of each other for a living.
If we can’t get along, then at least we should be able to respect each others hustle. That’s what any real woman would do. I mean, come on...i’ve had the toughest matches of my entire CAREER with Scarlet and Apathy and, while we might not be the best of friends, I can confidently say that I fully respect what those two are capable of. Likewise, I think they’d say the same about me.
Valora...is a little bit different, and this is why I couldn’t give two shits about her as a person and as an athlete. When Valora Spaghetti first signed on with NEW she was literally at the bottom of the barrell. She was opening shows while I was, and still am, Main Eventing them. I saw that she was talented. Now, I won’t lie and say I was the first one to notice her talent...but I was at least smart enough to know that I wanted her on my side which is why I decided to recruit her and start La Dolce Vita, the ONLY all female stable in NEW’s history.
Shortly after she wanted to act like she was mentoring ME, trying to teach me wrestling moves & shit because I got a couple of burns and bruises and had to cut my hair & wear extensions for a while. I guess, to her, that meant that I was terminally ugly and couldn’t make it by looks alone anymore. Okay, so that was the first insult because hello bitch, i’m pretty sure my three TA title reigns happened before you even got here.
But whatever, I shook it off and kept it pushing. Then this shady bitch decides to jump to cRu because Triple X filled her head up with hopes & dreams and hot air...he had this dumb broad thinking she was the best thing since sliced bread and she really believed it. When really the reality was that he just didnt want to have to face her. That’s when I realized how fucking fake she was and thus was the end of me giving a fuck about Valora Sauza.
Because after that, she started talking nothing but shit about me. About how I was a whore, and nothing but a dirty puta and this and that and everything under the sun. Imagine that! Now, since then I have faced Valora not one, but two times. I beat her not one, but two times. The first time was when I quickly and effortlessly snatched the Trans-Atlantic title from her, and the second was when I lit that bitch up like a lil’ Mexican Christmas tree (with a little help from Apathy and her handy-dandy tazer).
I stood on set, flipping through my iPhone while checking out social media. I wanted to give a special shout out to my fans on twitter who have been so loyal over the years. I couldn’t help but see a rather disturbing tweet, or rather, a barrage of tweets from one of my opponents this week: Valora Subpoenas.
Blair Buchannan-Valentyne: “Ugh...I don’t have time for this shit.”
I whispered to myself while standing on set, and I really didn’t. Any moment now we were set to start filming the commercial.
The soundstage we were in was set-up to look like the replica of a bedroom in a high end hotel room. Everything was black and white, and we were going with this whole ‘50 Shades of Grey’ theme to capitalize on the film’s release.
I myself looked stunning, even if sitting on my knees on the bed wearing nothing but a very tiny grey satin mini robe that was barely tied tight enough to keep my body from exposing itself. My hands were in front of me, handcuffed for dramatic effect but I was still able to play on my phone in the meantime.
Now, I’m not really one to brag and rehash the past but that’s all Valora Salami seems to know how to do (since apparently she doesn’t know how to win matches against me). Except, when rehashing the past she seems to gloss over the fact that I gave as good as I got in those matches and instead she focuses on me getting help from Liz Devereaux to win. I’m all for a little creative re-imagining and all...I mean, just last week I re-imagined a pair of old jeans into a new pair of cut off booty-shorts...but this is just plain ridiculous.
She acts as if she was throwing me around like a rag doll while I never laid a finger on her..and then all of a sudden, BOOM I taze her and she’s down for the count. Ummm no bitch. Rewind. Not only did I do just as much damage to you as you did to me, but I actually was able to draw blood on both occasions. Actually, I technically did MORE damage to you in both matches because in the end I was able to win, right? I mean think about it Miss Salazar: if I were really as weak, untalented, and beneath you as you say I am then shouldn’t you have prevented me from doing damn near any damage to you at all?
All this bitch does is talk about how much of a disgrace this person is to the title, or how much a disgrace that person is to the title. Before me, she was mad at Roger. Now, he and I may have our own personal issues..but even I wouldn’t say that Roger as World Champion is a disgrace. Plus, what’s the point in that? If everyone is a disgrace, Valora, then how good do you have to be to beat them?
So the way I see it, Valora thinks everyone in NEW is a disgrace. She thinks that she’s the only one making things better. She walks around talking shit about everyone in NEW INCLUDING the owner (because she’s made it abundantly clear how little she thinks of him. She’s made no secret of jumping ship when times were tough. When NEW closed down last year, you didn’t see me representing any other wrestling company. I did what I had to do to get by, went back to acting and modeling for a bit..maybe a little escorting on the side. I’ve never carried any other banner except for New Edge Wrestling, unlike that turncoat.
This is not to say that I haven’t been scouted. Sure, lots of people wanted to hire me during NEW’s hiatus. When NEW shut down this last time due to the FBI what did I do? I turned them all down and instead, I stayed home and made a life for my child with the father of that child. Say what you want about me but i’m loyal to New Edge Wrestling and I have been since I started here. I started from the bottom on the arm of Johnny Stylez without a lick of wrestling experience under my belt and I clawed my way to the top. I’ve had to work twice as hard as most people here and have gotten less than half of the credit for it: all with a smile on my face. I would do, and have done ANYTHING it takes to be at the top of THIS platform because I believe in my heart of hearts that this is the BEST wrestling company around:
So i’ve bent and broken a few rules along the way; Manipulated a few men; Broken a few hearts; and burned a few bridges. This ain’t Grade School, babycakes! This is New Edge Wrestling. What did you expect me to do? Power lift a 200 pound man over my head and throw him off the top of the mountain before beating on my chest like a gorilla? Hate to break it to you, but i’m not Valora Sasquatch. It’s physically impossible for me to do that. So instead I sprayed a little perfume in their eyes or bitch slapped them with my cell phone. If that’s all it takes to stop these big-strong men in their track then you know what? They deserve to lose.
However, i’d like to shift focus and point out how nobody ever focuses on the height/weight difference when somebody beats ME. No, when Al Envy defeated me for the Trans-Atlantic title...what did he do? He gloated. When big strong men beat me? They brag about it. But what’s so great about beating me? I’m just a lying, cheating whore who has no place in wrestling...right? Do you know why? Because everybody knows that I will stop at nothing to win. I WILL exhaust all resources and play dirty if I have to. So if one of these guys beat me, something that Valora Sardinia has FAILED to do, they know it’s a pretty big fucking deal.
Speaking of double standards, isn’t it funny how Valora Saucepan has continuously criticized me for having fake breasts as if that’s something to be ashamed of, when she has even bigger breast implants than I do? Wake up, you moron. If you take a look at every single female here with large breasts, I can damn near guarantee you that they’re fake. Do you know why?
Well, think about it for a second...What are breasts made out of? That’s right, they’re made of fat. Now...all of us females in N.E.W have pretty awesome bodies...and do you know why? Because we all work out. We spend an extremely long amount of time in the gym so that we’re able to carve out these magnificent bodies. It’s important for what we do...I mean, unless you’re Nikki Juggz.
Now, back to the tits. Breasts are made of fat...what happens to fat when you work out? It turns into muscle. It gets smaller, and leaner. It doesnt blow up to fit into huge double-f cup sizes. That means unless you were born with tits the size of watermelons, the chances of you having the breasts you have now after working out as much as you say you do are pretty much nonexistent. Aren’t you an astrophysicist or something with like a million degrees? Why don’t you know this?...I may have fake tits..but at least I don’t lie about mine:
[Val stopped being an idiot on twitter shortly after this...Gato got your tongue?]
I mean, who gives a fuck if they’re fake or not. None of that really matters. K.O.P was running around juiced on steroids all the time but nobody really bat an eyelash at that. People these days are just focusing on the wrong things. This isn’t little league. It’s not about how you play the game. It’s if you win or lose. Father Nathan is yet another one of these fools who keep on running off at the mouth about things that don’t matter.
Once again we have another person walking around here preaching as if he’s some sort of priest. Only this guy really IS a priest. Wait...a man of the cloth who beats the shit out of other human beings (also God’s creatures) for money. Isn’t that kind of sacrilegious? That’s cool, I don’t really care about what you do or how you do it..but how dare you come at me for doing what I do? Uh oh, seems like we have yet another hypocrite on our hands here. Oh wait, I see, it’s okay to bend the rules as long as it’s not me doin’ the bendin’, right?
Oh and speaking of ‘bending,’ apparently Father Nathan aka the Priest Whisperer, disapproves of my lifestyle. He seems to think that i’ve slept with most of the locker room. Everyone except for he and Rob Riot, whom i’ve never met in my life. Okay well i’ve slept with three guys and let one tittyfuck me so that doesn’t even count but if it DID that would make four people in N.E.W. How many guys are on the roster? Not that I have to explain myself to you. It’s so funny that Nathan and Valora are so obsessed with who i’m laying down with. Okay, that’s cool and all but...who are you fucking tonight?
#Nobody.
You know why? Because you’re boring. You’re both so boring and hateful and nasty and you really don’t have to be! You don’t have to hate me because i’m fun and I get everything I want INCLUDING this World Title that you both want so desperately. You could be fun like me and maybe the fans wouldn’t throw batteries at you when you walk down to the ring.
Maybe instead of focusing on who I’m sleeping with you SHOULD be focusing on Ignite 200. Because if I were you, knowing what you know about me? I’d want to make sure that all of my bases were covered. Maybe pick up some protective goggles in case i decide to spray my top selling perfume in your eyes...or get an extra cup to guard your balls, i’m talking to you Val…
Oh and speaking of dicks, the only credible person in this actual match is my dear husband Hunter Valentyne. He’s right, he has been with this company for a long time. Longer than me. Hunter is himself an institution. He’s more qualified to call himself a legend of this business than any of us in this match.
The weird thing is that three of us in this match were inducted into the Hall of Fame at the same time when he definitely should have been in long before us. Now, I still never really went into full detail as to WHY I decided to betray Roger by marrying HUNTER VALENTYNE of all people. I mean, I am famous for only sleeping with World Champions and Hunter was not champion when I married him...
...so basically that should have made him dead to me…
Well, really...I did it because he was right: I used him for his name. Hunter Valentyne is probably the closest thing to the male version of me that New Edge Wrestling has to offer. I noticed this a loooong time ago. Actually, i’ll even venture to say that...Hunter Valentyne was the male version of what I aspired to be when I first joined N.E.W..Not when it came to looks, obviously, because we all know I’d completely kill it in a beauty contest against his old winkled ass.
When I first stepped foot in NEW, Hunter liked to refer to himself as the King of Controversy...and I adopted the nickname The Queen of Controversy. Although i’ll admit, in the beginning my attempts at being controversial sort of fell flat...and my tendency to disappear and reappear for months at a time didn’t really help things...but I grew to be more consistent...and over time, my knack for controversy began to preceed me.
I’d like to think that I absorbed more than semen from the men in NEW i’ve slept with. I learned how to get ahead by breaking the rules and that all you really needed to do was tell the honest truth about people because really the truth can be your greatest weapon.
From Roger, I really was able to learn how to hold my head high and soar above anybody who would doubt my true potential. People, especially people like Hunter, like to think that I was just in Roger’s shadow these past few years but really I took my first steps into independence through hooking up with him.
But I was still missing something and then it hit me...For years, Hunter and I had been at each others throat. He hated me, I hated him, and so on and so forth. SO he was an obvious choice. I married Hunter as a way to solidify myself as a real force to be reckoned with. It was to send a message that I really WOULD do anything and hurt anyone to get to the top of N.E.W, and while I was married to Hunter I took from him that last piece of the puzzle that would make me the most dangerous predator this company had ever seen:
A complete and udder lack of moral code.
Set Director: “We’re ready when you are, Mrs.Valentyne.”
Blair Buchannan-Valentyne: “Oh perfect. Lets do it!”
They started filming so I dropped my phone in between my thighs so that it wouldn’t show up. I pretended to struggle with the handcuffs while the camera zoomed in closer and closer to my before stopping on my face (with a nice view of my tits, naturally). Then I recited my lines in a sexually frustrated voice while pouting:
Blair Buchannan-Valentyne: “Everybody knows I love making love to World Champions...but what do I do when I’M the World Champion? I guess I’ll have to make love to myself!...Tune in to a very special episode of Ignite 200 this week and watch ME, Blair Buchannan-Valentyne, make sweet sweet love to myself in the ring while you and the rest of the world watch. Oh my...I have to wear these hand-cuffs just to keep my hands off myself! Mmmmmm…..”
Ignite 200 is a full circle moment for ME. I don’t know much about this Rob Riot character, but he damn sure knows who I am by now. & if he knows who I am then he knows what Father Nathan, Valora Scoobysnacks, and Hunter Valentyne have been saying all week long: I will do anything to get what I want. I’ve worked damn hard to get here. The World Championship Title is something that i’ve wanted for a long time.
...and I always get what I want…
XOXO.