Post by Alan Envy on May 11, 2015 15:11:28 GMT -6
You plan for months and months….
Every move you make is all for achieving that final goal and getting everything you wanted that you earned. However things change, and sometimes plans are pushed ahead just a little bit.
So allow me to catch all of the slow people out there up to the present a little bit shall I. Al Envy had a plan in place, and that plan was to go into Terrordome and do something that despite him inventing the match that he had never done in his New Edge Wrestling career and that is walk out of his creation as the NEW world champion. He had been TA champion for quite a while by then and had legitimized that belt as arguably the top title in the country. Actually fuck that it was the top title in the company just because Al Envy defended it and after every title defense he walked out still TA champ. Because that is what a true champion does, and despite whether these idiot fans liked it or not Al Envy did just that
But lets face it...the TA title is great, and despite the fact that yes it was the top title in the company it damn sure wasn't’t the top paying title in the company. It wasn’t the most revered belt in the company. The belt that was the top paying and most revered was the NEW world championship. And despite the fact that Al Envy was and still is the best wrestler on planet Earth idiots in and out of this business considered the world champ to be the top dog. That didn’t settle too well with Mr. Envy because he wants to be recognized as the best even though he and the smart people in this world already knew he was.
Yet unfortunately assholes who had no idea what they were talking about considered someone like Blair Buchannan as the best when she was world champion for the hot second she was. Seriously there were people out in the world that considered that hot mess the best?? The only thing she is the best at is manipulating men into getting in bed with her all for her to gain something for herself. Al Envy won his first TA title off of that tramp so how in the hell could she possibly be better than he is? Then after she choked and lost her title it was now in the hands of a phony padre from Ireland named Father Nathan.
That was where Al Envy drew the line. How dare anyone say that Father Nathan was a better wrestler than Al fucking Envy. The only thing that sumbitch could do is get lucky and punch you in the heart and what made Envy sick was how everyone marked out like it was the greatest thing anyone has ever seen. Hell if there was anyone worse than Blair Buchannan, whose only memorable moment as world champion was masturbating herself with the title, as being recognized as the world champion it was a one trick pony like Father Nathan.
That was when Al decided to push his plan into effect. It was a plan that was going to benefit everyone and Al himself. Everyone in the end was getting a champion that would bring back the proper prestige to the most coveted title in this business, prestige that was gone thanks to the Blair Bichannans and Father Nathans of the world who disgraced the title with them being recognized as champions. Also it was going to benefit Al Envy as he would have more coin in the bank and almost as important finally be recognized without debate as the best pro wrestler in the world. NEW was soon going to be on the shoulders of Al Envy, and it was fitting because Al is the #FaceofNEW.
So the plan went into effect. He started walking around calling himself the top champion in NEW, all to get into the proud Irishman Father Nathan’s head. Mind games people, make the man so frustrated that he went into Justice 7 and make that one mistake which would cost him to cough up that world title to Al Envy. It didn’t matter who else was in that demonic structure with them. They were irrelevant and inexperienced to be in such a spotlight such as Justice 7. It was going to be the phony padre and the show stealer.
Yet like I said before. Things change and it turned out Father Nathan was a flake. Al was getting into Nathan’s head when he decided to just up and disappear. Shorty after Al declared himself the NEW champion Nathan just apparently couldn’t handle it anymore. So he went back to Ireland to play soccer or something. Jesse Styles stripped him of the belt, and here we are going into Ignite 205.
So it comes full circle doesn’t it? Now Al Envy has a chance to become world champion much sooner than expected, and once again there is some other fucker people think is the best wrestler in the world. Austen Impact.
Yes the same Austen Impact that has choked on numerous occasions and also at Demented against the one trick champion Father Nathan. He is the man Al Envy has to go through to achieve his goal of becoming world champion and cementing his status as the bar none best in the world.
This past Lights Out 2 no one was really talking about how Al Envy and Roger Wright, Excessive Excellence that is, had beaten dumb and dumber Ricky Cassels and Buck Florida for the world tag team championships. No one was talking about how Scarlet Styles and Jesse Styles successfully won their matches as Scarlet moved on to a chance to be the Television champion and Jesse Styles rightfully won the Xcore title. No one cared when Reggie James damn near ended some noob’s career because the kid got in his face and disrespected. No everyone was talking about the contract signing between Austen Impact and Al Envy.
Al read all the tweets and comments that fan boys left on their precious forums that were all over the internet. Everyone said Al Envy showed that he didn’t respect the business. Like sheep they all agreed with Austen Impact because these fans and marks can’t conclude anything for themselves. Well let me clarify something for you dumb mother fuckers.
You see Al Envy show of disrespect wasn’t directed towards the pro wrestling business. He has respected this business ever since he was five years old. Every since the day he first watched wrestling from Dallas, TX with his grandfather he decided what he wanted to be when he grew up. He wanted to be a pro wrestler. Unlike Austen Impact who decided to become one because at the time it was the it thing to do.
Al’s show of disrespect was shown towards Mr. Minnesota state wrestling champion, a man who threw away a shot at the Olympics to become a pro wrestler because he wanted attention. That was who Al Envy showed disrespect too. And quite honestly people when you have a chance to have a beautiful woman sit in your lap and want to make out with you what man, unless he was a queer, wouldn’t take that fucking opportunity.
That woman was Shelby Taylor. One of the sexiest women in the world according to a recent poll of most downloaded women off the internet. That woman was the one tht Al Envy fell in love with and finally expressed those feelings to her and she returned those words to him. It was love between them and Al Envy was loving every minute of it. He had never had these feelings for a woman before. He looked forward waking up every morning and looking in her eyes. He looked forward to falling asleep with her as she pressed her gorgeous body against him with his arms around her every night. Yet the only thing these jealous fuckers can do is call her a whore.
If she is such a whore then quite downloading her photos so you jerk offs can masturbate to them and get your keyboards sticky
She was quickly becoming Al Envy’s entire life. And as far as Shelby Taylor went Al Envy would hurt, hell kill, anyone that crossed her. If you want to know how much Al Envy loved her this right here is the perfect example.
Right at this moment Al and Shelby were driving down a highway in her home state of Kentucky….
On their way to meet and have dinner with her father…..
Yes her father, who hates pro wrestlers according to what she had told him and from what Jesse told him as well since he is married to the man’s other daughter. This man was more protective of Shelby and from what Shelby told him he feels like that inlike Scarlet their dad can get through to Shelby to not make the same mistake as Scarlet did in getting involved with a pro wrestler, who in their dad’s mind was lower than pond scum, or Austen Impacts personality.
So that right there shows everyone how much Al Envy loves Shelby Taylor. Instead of him worrying about a world title match he was right now thinking how he could impress Shelby’s dad. Shelby loves her father and it was important to her that he sees Al as the right man for his daughter. That is what a man in love does ladies and gentlemen. They do anything they can possibly do for the woman they love.
You have to appreciate the view you see when you are driving through Kentucky. The bluegrass mountains kissed the horizon as you drove down Interstate 75. It was amazing to Al that something as beautiful as these views and the view of the woman riding shotgun in her Chevy Tahoe could possibly come from Kentucky. Both were absolutely gorgeous. Al was appreciating these views as Shelby sat there in the passenger seat looking down at her Samsung Galaxy 6 with a look of frustration on her face.
Shelby Taylor: Jesus the things these idiot fans are saying about you. You have no respect for the business I am a whore, you are a man whore. They can’t wait to see Austen Impact kick your ass. This one bitch Marisol Hawkes says she hopes Austen Impact shoves the belt up your ass. Don’t these people realize that this is just an act. Can’t they realize that you are a wonderful person like I do?
Al looked over at his woman. She looked up at Envy and smiled at him. All Al could do was stroke her chin and smile back. SHelby was still a little new to the whole business and she had to develop restraint when it came to opinions from fans and your peers. She had no problem damn near blinding Jill Matthews though at the last Ignite. She was so cute….
Al Envy: Honey let me give you some advice. Don’t let jerk offs that troll Twitter and the internet get to you. They try to live their lives through you vicariously because they wish they were you. So they think that their opinions are supposed to make you actually give a shit when they don’t. Those internet trolls are wastes of fucking oxygen. Don’t be like Austen Impact who cares what people think about him when he sadly tries to act like he doesn't.
Shelby Taylor: Yeah but seriously baby…..they are on here wishing you would burn like Davey Dynamo’s shirt did in that trash can. They are saying you are nowhere the legend that Davey Dynamo was. Its pissing me off I swear to God.
Shelby turns her phone off and throws it in the backseat. Al just laughs and pats her on her leg.
Al Envy: Yeah its funny isn’t it? Someone has to die for people to actually give a shit about them. Davey has been more relevant in death than he was fucking alive. He damn sure got more attention when he died than when he was wrestling or escorting the walking death of charisma in his protege.
Shelby starts to smile as she looks at Al. He smiles back and takes her by the hand.
Al Envy: Right now we need to concentrate on having dinner with your Dad. One thing at a time sweetheart. One thing at a time.
Shelby Taylor: I know it is a bad idea that we do this. I know how my Dad is going to react to you. He reacted the same way when Scarlet introduced him to Jesse. He is just so cold towards him.
Al Envy: Well maybe my charm will win him over.
Shelby leaned in and kissed Al on the lips passionately. It caused Al to swerve off the road a little.
Shelby Taylor It damn sure won me over. I love you….
Al Envy: I love you too.
Shelby leaned in again and started kissing Al. He had to pull over to the side of the road as he and Shelby made out. Next thing you know Shelby had unbuckled and straddled Envy in the drivers seat. Al had her blouse unbuttoned and was about to head for home when they heard the bleep sound behind them. Al looked around Shelby’s head who was kissing his neck and working her way down and looked into the rear view mirror.
Al Envy: Oh shit….honey stop and get back in your seat. Its a damn state trooper.
Shelby jumped off Al and quickly the straps of her sun dress up on her shoulders. She wiped her face off and fixed her hair as the Kentucky state trooper knocked on the driver’s side window. Envy looked at the hillbilly cop and rolled down the window.
Al Envy: Can I help you officer??
State Trooper: Are yu folks aight dere??
Al Envy: Yeah we aight dere. What did I do for you to decide to pull up behind me and ask me that question?
The state trooper spit outside the Tahoe which kind of irritated Al. He hated people who fucking dipped snuff. Such a disgusting, classless gesture.
State Trooper: Well….I was about a few hundred feet behind you when I say yer suv start swerving den ya’ll pulls over on da side of the road.
Al was starting to wonder if this mother fucker was related to Ricky Cassels since like Ricky her was proficient in ruining the English language.
State Trooper: Ya’lls nice suv havin problems??
Al Envy: Uh no sir. My girlfriend lost her phone and she started checking around my feet to see if it fell down there.
Shelby started to smile in the seat but kept her mouth shut. The trooper looked at Shelby then back at Al.
State Trooper: Well ya’ll folks be careful next time. At least ya’lls pulled over instead of a dangerin other folks on the road. Ya’ll have a great day and welcome to Kantuckay! Ma’am…
Obviously the trooper saw the Texas license plates and knew they were from out of state. The trooper tipped his hat and started to walk away. He stopped again then looked back at Al and Shelby.
State Trooper: By da way ma’am. Yer telyphone is in yer back seat.
Shelby turned around and grabbed it.
Shelby Taylor: Uh thank you sir. I would have never thought to look back there.
Al started to chuckle as the officer walked away. Envy looked at Shelby who gave Al a mischievous look.
Al Envy: Good thing my pants weren't unzipped……
Shelby Taylor: What are you talking about. That’s a great thing.
Shelby started working her hand over to Al’s zipper but Al just grabbed her hand and kissed it.
Al Envy: Let’s just get to your Dad’s ok??
Shelby smiled and looked at Al with so much love in her eyes. Al goes to start the Tahoe but it doesn’t start….
Al Envy: What in the fuck….
Shelby Taylor: What are you doing?? Let's get going. I am going to need to pee soon.
Al Envy: I am trying honey the got damn thing won’t start.
Al tried turning it over again but still nothing. Envy pops the hood and gets out.He looks under the hood trying to find out the issue. After like three minutes Al slams the hood down and gets back in the Tahoe.
Al Envy: Son of a bitch. The timing belt snapped. This thing is brand fucking new why did the damn timing belt break??
Shelby Taylor: Why are you asking me about car stuff. All I know is how to drive them and look good doing it.
Al looked up at the mirror and saw the Onstar button. He clicked it.
“Onstar may I help you”
Al Envy: Yeah our Tahoe is broken down here on Interstate 75 in Kentucky. Can you please send me a tow truck??
Shelby Taylor: The hell I am getting in a nasty tow truck wearing this 200 dollar sun dress….
Al Envy: What are you going to do walk??
Shelby Taylor: If I have too yes….
Al Envy: Can we just stay focused here. The truck will be clean enough for you to sit in it. You can just sit on my lap alright?
Shelby looked irritated as Onstar started talking to them again.
“We have found your location. Would you like for the truck to send you to a certified mechanic??”
Al Envy: Well yeah we would like to get this damn thing fixed. We have a lot of driving to do. We are heading to New York City.
“Yes sir. The tow truck is on the way and it will take you and your Chevrolet Tahoe to a certified mechanic near your location. Thank you for using Onstar and have a great day.”
AL looked out the window then back into the rearview mirror. He looked over at Shelby who looked irritated still. He smiled at her then turned her head towards him by touching her chin. She smiled at him.
Al Envy: The cop is gone, and I am sure the tow truck will take about an hour to get here like most of them do. Wanna finish what we started a few minutes ago??
Shelby Taylor: Al you know me better than that. Do you even have to ask?
Once again Shelby mounts Al, and this time Al Envy rounds home, hell he hits for the fucking cycle.
=======================================================
2 Hours Later
Okay so the damn tow truck took a little longer than expected. But Al and Shelby made the best of their time if you know what I mean. Raising up from the back seat Al takes a deep breath and starts smoothing out his hair. Shortly after Shelby rises up out of breath with her sun dress off of her exposing qll of her goodies, and they were delicious let me tell you. Al looks down at his watch.
Al Envy: Jesus Christ its been two damn hours since we called the damn tow truck.
Shelby Taylor: Actually I haven’t minded the wait at all.
Shelby leans in and starts kissing Al again. Al is about to go for another round but a horn honks. Al looks out the back window and sees the tow truck coming.
Al Envy: Its about damn time. Its a good thing too because you were wearing me the hell out.
Shelby Taylor: But it was fun wasn’t it?
Al pulls his pants up and jumps out to meet the driver. Shelby gets her sun dress back on and follows.
“Aw excuse me folks if yer want I can getz ya extra time!”
A portly half bald man with a beer belly that would make any man proud walks bow legged up to the Tahoe. He walks past Al and Shelby and looks it over.
“What in da hell is wrong wid it?”
Al Envy: Timing belt….snapped.
“Phew that a stop a tank heh heh.”
Al Envy walks towards the tow truck driver.
Al Envy: Look my good man we are in a hurry to get to some engagements. Can we please get this racked up and to the mechanic.
It was right there the tow truck driver realized who was standing in front of him.
“Oh man….yer…..yer…..holy shit yer Owl Envay!!!! You are like a famous wrassler arent yer!!”
Al Envy: Yeah I am. And this is Shelby…..
“Oh I know who dat is. She is Kentuckay’s favourite daughta!! Damn its a honor a meetin ya. My name is Herschel. Shit let me get this hunka junk ha ha up on meh truck.”
With a little extra step in those bow legs Herschel gets to work mounting the Tahoe on his tow. Shelby walks over to the passenger side.
Shelby Taylor: Oh my god it smells like farts and hot dogs in there? Can we call a cab,a limo maybe?
Al Envy: baby we can’t wait that long. Its 1 in the afternoon and we are supposed to be at your Dad’s by 7 tonight. Just please get in. Sit on my lap and bury your face in my shoulder and try to hold your breath as long as you can ok?
Shelby hesitantly agreed and they wait for Herschel to finish the job.
Herschel: Ok Mr. Envay we are ready ta go. I want ta get ya folks back on da road quick Do ya mind if I taka ya to mah cousins? He is a hell of a mechanic with cerdyfacations and all. He can get this fixed in no time.
Al Envy: I appreciate it pal. Yeah that will be fine and all. The quicker we get back on the road the beter.
Herschel: Why tats great. He is only bout ten ta fifteen away. Maybe twenty to twenty five. It depends. depends on if da deer are crossin the road right now.
Al goes over to the passenger side. He gets in first and watches as Shelby takes a deep breath and gets in on Al’s lap. She immediately buries her face in Al’s neck and starts to cough a little. Herschel flops in and they headed out.
20 minutes later the tow truck pulls into a small farm. There are relic of old cars littering the front yard with the occasional motor or alternator in certain spots. As they pull in close a house comes up with a garage with three bays. As the truck pulls in a guy wearing a straw hat with a handlebar moustache and overalls comes out with a child. Shelby leaps out of the truck and takes a deep breath as Al soon follows suit and starts hitting Shelby in the back helping her get her breath.
Shelby Taylor: Jesus he was farting Al. What in the fuck is wrong with people!!
Al laughing looks at Shelby.
Al Envy: They are your fellow Kentuckians.
Shelby Taylor: Sometimes its hard for me to believe that.
Al Envy: Boy ain that the truth
Al said that because a large woman came out of the house and she made Nikki Juggs or Austen Impact’s ex wife look like Shelby. She portly woman approaches Al and Shelby.
“How ya’ll doin?
“Momma that is a purty girl.”
The little boy was looking at Shelby and smiling with three teeth in his mouth.
Shelby Taylor: Well thank you sweetie.
The man with the overalls on walks up to Al.
“Hiya I am Clyde. So ya needs a timin belt on ya fancy car huh? I can get that fixed in a jiffy. Got some timin belts on a pile in the back that are brand spankin new.”
Al Envy: Well thank you Clyde. If you could get that done for me I would appreciate it. We are kind of in a bit of a rush.
Clyde: That's no problem boss. I knows ya need to get to News Yerk Citay and whoop that Austan Impact’s ass. Ya give me like an hour and a half and she willz be good as new.
Clyde turned his back and helped Herschel get the Tahoe off the tow and push it into the garage. Herschel comes back out.
Al Envy: How much do I owe you?
Herschel: Aw hell son it was just an honur to eet ya. Just pay fer mah gas like 20 bucks and we call it even.
Al hands Herschel fifty dollars.
Al Envy: Take the extra thirty friend and get your cab cleaned for God’s sake lol
Herschel let out a hefty chuckle and after farting once again climbs into his tow and drives away. The large woman gets Al and Shelby’s attention.
“Ya’ll come inside sir and ma’am and have a glass of iced tea. I made some country steak as well if yer hungry. We have plenty.
The little boy grabs Shelby by the hand and pulls her towards the house.
“Allow me ma’am.”
Shelby beaming like an angel smiles at how sweet this little kid was. Al along with the fat woman walk behind them.
“The names Charlene by da way. Its so nice ta meet ya Mr. Envay.”
Envy was kind of surprised that these hillbillies knew who he was. They enter the house and it is rather nice. The country steak smelled really damn good and Al realized that he was pretty damn hungry.
Al Envy: You know that smells pretty good. I wouldn’t mind having a piece of that steak. Smells damn good.
Charlene: Well its an old family recimape. Like I said deres plentay. Let me get cha that team and a sammich.
Al sat down impressed by the hospitality.Shelby sat next to Al.
Shelby Taylor: Do you really want to eat this?
Al Envy: Babe I am hungry. I metabolism is low because I worked out this morning and didn’t eat anything.
Shelby Taylor: Ok honey. I was just saying.
Charlene brings out a paper plate filled with country fried steak and some wonder bread and hands it to Al with a mason jar of sweet tea. She hands another mason jar of sweet tea to Shelby who thanks her. Al digs into sandwich and devours it in like 6 bites.
Al Envy: My God that was amazing. Its no wonder Clyde is such a hefty boy when he eats like this.
Al thinks that Charlene has had a few country friend steak sandwiches as well judging by her girth. The little boy brings out some stuff. It was a ton of NEW merchandise. He had stuff like figures and pictures. This kid had made Jesse Styles some serious money buying all this stuff because of Jesse being a cheap bastard and charging an arm and a leg for merchandise. This kid had everything.
He starts handing Al some of his stuff that had Al’s likeness. Nervously he hands Al a sharpie.
“Could...you sign my stuff Mr. Envay??”
Charlene: TOMMY LEAVE MR.ENVAY ALONE!!!
Al Envy: Oh please Charlene I don’t mind. It’s the least I could do for all the hospitality you have showed me.
Al starts signing everything that he could. He picks up the final picture and his opponent Austen Impact stares him back in the face, as well as Davey Dynamo who was at one time Austen’s manager as well as his mentor.
Al Envy: Now Tommy. Why would you have this guy in your collection. All of the Al Envy and Jesse Styles stuff that I signed for you will be worth money one day. This right here is just toilet paper little man.
Tommy: I know. It came with a bunch of pictures I bought as a set. I thought I threw it away actually.
Al laughed and handed the picture of Austen Impact and Davey Dynamo back to Tommy. He thanks Al and runs back to his room but not before stopping to throw the picture of Austen Impact away in the trash can. Al smiles and sits back. Just then his stomach started rumbling.
Al Envy: Man. I don’t feel good at all.
Shelby Taylor: That was so nice what you did for that sweet little boy. You made his day. You are going to be a great father one day you know that right?
Al kind of ignores Shelby and sits up and starts holding his stomach. All of a sudden he pops up off of the couch.
Al Envy: Charlene where is your bathroom at??
Charlene: It is straight back second door on da left.
Al runs down the hall and takes a turn. he drops his drawers just in time for the shit to literally hit the fan. Of course if the fan was a toilet. It poured out of him. It was so fierce Al had to grab hold of the sink to balance himself. It kept pouring and pouring out of him like water through a screen door. Finally it was over. Weak as a kitten now Al pops off the toilet, cleans himself and flushes the toilet.
Shelby peeks into the bathroom then quickly jerks her head away.
Shelby Taylor: Holy Jesus that stinks.
Al Envy: Well I am sorry Shelby that it doesn’t smell like tulips.
Shelby helps Al back to the couch. Charlene meets them with a glass of water.
Charlene: Mr. Envay are ya ok?
Al Envy: That was strange. It must have been something I ate.
Charlene: I told Clyde that damn possum had been lying out there too long. But nnnooo he had to have me cook it. Didn't want the bullet he used on da critter to go ta waste.
It took Al a minute to understand what he just heard.
Al Envy: Wait….possum?? That what you called country fried steak was actually possum.
Charlene: Well sure. It is the best kind of meat to batter and fry up.
Al immediately got up and walked out of the house. Shelby smiled at Charlene and thanked her for her hospitality and meets Al outside.
Al Envy: I just fucking ate spoiled possum meat??
Shelby Taylor: Well...I warned you about eating it. That kind of stuff is normal in these parts.
Al just stared at Shelby with a look of disgust. Just then Clyde, with oily hands, approaches Al and hands him the keys to the Tahoe.
Clyde: Yer Tahoe is ready Mr. Envay. Yer all ready ter go.
Al still trying not to throw up takes the keys.
Al Envy: How...much do I...owe ya??
Clyde: Well…..lets call it 50 bucks. It was actually my pleasure ta werk fer ya on dis.
Pulling out his wallet Al hands Clyde a hundred dollar bill.
Al Envy: Please...take this hundred….buy yourself some extra bullets ok??
Clyde was just beaming at Al.
Clyde: I wish ya luck sir. Safe travels. Now if ya will excuse me that country fried steak is a callin mah name.
Those words cause Al to almost throw up. He slowly walks away as Shelby follows. Al and Shelby get in the Tahoe and drive away.
Could this day get any worse?? Oh course it will. It was now time for Al Envy to meet Shelby’s Dad.
The things you do for love……………...
.
Every move you make is all for achieving that final goal and getting everything you wanted that you earned. However things change, and sometimes plans are pushed ahead just a little bit.
So allow me to catch all of the slow people out there up to the present a little bit shall I. Al Envy had a plan in place, and that plan was to go into Terrordome and do something that despite him inventing the match that he had never done in his New Edge Wrestling career and that is walk out of his creation as the NEW world champion. He had been TA champion for quite a while by then and had legitimized that belt as arguably the top title in the country. Actually fuck that it was the top title in the company just because Al Envy defended it and after every title defense he walked out still TA champ. Because that is what a true champion does, and despite whether these idiot fans liked it or not Al Envy did just that
But lets face it...the TA title is great, and despite the fact that yes it was the top title in the company it damn sure wasn't’t the top paying title in the company. It wasn’t the most revered belt in the company. The belt that was the top paying and most revered was the NEW world championship. And despite the fact that Al Envy was and still is the best wrestler on planet Earth idiots in and out of this business considered the world champ to be the top dog. That didn’t settle too well with Mr. Envy because he wants to be recognized as the best even though he and the smart people in this world already knew he was.
Yet unfortunately assholes who had no idea what they were talking about considered someone like Blair Buchannan as the best when she was world champion for the hot second she was. Seriously there were people out in the world that considered that hot mess the best?? The only thing she is the best at is manipulating men into getting in bed with her all for her to gain something for herself. Al Envy won his first TA title off of that tramp so how in the hell could she possibly be better than he is? Then after she choked and lost her title it was now in the hands of a phony padre from Ireland named Father Nathan.
That was where Al Envy drew the line. How dare anyone say that Father Nathan was a better wrestler than Al fucking Envy. The only thing that sumbitch could do is get lucky and punch you in the heart and what made Envy sick was how everyone marked out like it was the greatest thing anyone has ever seen. Hell if there was anyone worse than Blair Buchannan, whose only memorable moment as world champion was masturbating herself with the title, as being recognized as the world champion it was a one trick pony like Father Nathan.
That was when Al decided to push his plan into effect. It was a plan that was going to benefit everyone and Al himself. Everyone in the end was getting a champion that would bring back the proper prestige to the most coveted title in this business, prestige that was gone thanks to the Blair Bichannans and Father Nathans of the world who disgraced the title with them being recognized as champions. Also it was going to benefit Al Envy as he would have more coin in the bank and almost as important finally be recognized without debate as the best pro wrestler in the world. NEW was soon going to be on the shoulders of Al Envy, and it was fitting because Al is the #FaceofNEW.
So the plan went into effect. He started walking around calling himself the top champion in NEW, all to get into the proud Irishman Father Nathan’s head. Mind games people, make the man so frustrated that he went into Justice 7 and make that one mistake which would cost him to cough up that world title to Al Envy. It didn’t matter who else was in that demonic structure with them. They were irrelevant and inexperienced to be in such a spotlight such as Justice 7. It was going to be the phony padre and the show stealer.
Yet like I said before. Things change and it turned out Father Nathan was a flake. Al was getting into Nathan’s head when he decided to just up and disappear. Shorty after Al declared himself the NEW champion Nathan just apparently couldn’t handle it anymore. So he went back to Ireland to play soccer or something. Jesse Styles stripped him of the belt, and here we are going into Ignite 205.
So it comes full circle doesn’t it? Now Al Envy has a chance to become world champion much sooner than expected, and once again there is some other fucker people think is the best wrestler in the world. Austen Impact.
Yes the same Austen Impact that has choked on numerous occasions and also at Demented against the one trick champion Father Nathan. He is the man Al Envy has to go through to achieve his goal of becoming world champion and cementing his status as the bar none best in the world.
This past Lights Out 2 no one was really talking about how Al Envy and Roger Wright, Excessive Excellence that is, had beaten dumb and dumber Ricky Cassels and Buck Florida for the world tag team championships. No one was talking about how Scarlet Styles and Jesse Styles successfully won their matches as Scarlet moved on to a chance to be the Television champion and Jesse Styles rightfully won the Xcore title. No one cared when Reggie James damn near ended some noob’s career because the kid got in his face and disrespected. No everyone was talking about the contract signing between Austen Impact and Al Envy.
Al read all the tweets and comments that fan boys left on their precious forums that were all over the internet. Everyone said Al Envy showed that he didn’t respect the business. Like sheep they all agreed with Austen Impact because these fans and marks can’t conclude anything for themselves. Well let me clarify something for you dumb mother fuckers.
You see Al Envy show of disrespect wasn’t directed towards the pro wrestling business. He has respected this business ever since he was five years old. Every since the day he first watched wrestling from Dallas, TX with his grandfather he decided what he wanted to be when he grew up. He wanted to be a pro wrestler. Unlike Austen Impact who decided to become one because at the time it was the it thing to do.
Al’s show of disrespect was shown towards Mr. Minnesota state wrestling champion, a man who threw away a shot at the Olympics to become a pro wrestler because he wanted attention. That was who Al Envy showed disrespect too. And quite honestly people when you have a chance to have a beautiful woman sit in your lap and want to make out with you what man, unless he was a queer, wouldn’t take that fucking opportunity.
That woman was Shelby Taylor. One of the sexiest women in the world according to a recent poll of most downloaded women off the internet. That woman was the one tht Al Envy fell in love with and finally expressed those feelings to her and she returned those words to him. It was love between them and Al Envy was loving every minute of it. He had never had these feelings for a woman before. He looked forward waking up every morning and looking in her eyes. He looked forward to falling asleep with her as she pressed her gorgeous body against him with his arms around her every night. Yet the only thing these jealous fuckers can do is call her a whore.
If she is such a whore then quite downloading her photos so you jerk offs can masturbate to them and get your keyboards sticky
She was quickly becoming Al Envy’s entire life. And as far as Shelby Taylor went Al Envy would hurt, hell kill, anyone that crossed her. If you want to know how much Al Envy loved her this right here is the perfect example.
Right at this moment Al and Shelby were driving down a highway in her home state of Kentucky….
On their way to meet and have dinner with her father…..
Yes her father, who hates pro wrestlers according to what she had told him and from what Jesse told him as well since he is married to the man’s other daughter. This man was more protective of Shelby and from what Shelby told him he feels like that inlike Scarlet their dad can get through to Shelby to not make the same mistake as Scarlet did in getting involved with a pro wrestler, who in their dad’s mind was lower than pond scum, or Austen Impacts personality.
So that right there shows everyone how much Al Envy loves Shelby Taylor. Instead of him worrying about a world title match he was right now thinking how he could impress Shelby’s dad. Shelby loves her father and it was important to her that he sees Al as the right man for his daughter. That is what a man in love does ladies and gentlemen. They do anything they can possibly do for the woman they love.
You have to appreciate the view you see when you are driving through Kentucky. The bluegrass mountains kissed the horizon as you drove down Interstate 75. It was amazing to Al that something as beautiful as these views and the view of the woman riding shotgun in her Chevy Tahoe could possibly come from Kentucky. Both were absolutely gorgeous. Al was appreciating these views as Shelby sat there in the passenger seat looking down at her Samsung Galaxy 6 with a look of frustration on her face.
Shelby Taylor: Jesus the things these idiot fans are saying about you. You have no respect for the business I am a whore, you are a man whore. They can’t wait to see Austen Impact kick your ass. This one bitch Marisol Hawkes says she hopes Austen Impact shoves the belt up your ass. Don’t these people realize that this is just an act. Can’t they realize that you are a wonderful person like I do?
Al looked over at his woman. She looked up at Envy and smiled at him. All Al could do was stroke her chin and smile back. SHelby was still a little new to the whole business and she had to develop restraint when it came to opinions from fans and your peers. She had no problem damn near blinding Jill Matthews though at the last Ignite. She was so cute….
Al Envy: Honey let me give you some advice. Don’t let jerk offs that troll Twitter and the internet get to you. They try to live their lives through you vicariously because they wish they were you. So they think that their opinions are supposed to make you actually give a shit when they don’t. Those internet trolls are wastes of fucking oxygen. Don’t be like Austen Impact who cares what people think about him when he sadly tries to act like he doesn't.
Shelby Taylor: Yeah but seriously baby…..they are on here wishing you would burn like Davey Dynamo’s shirt did in that trash can. They are saying you are nowhere the legend that Davey Dynamo was. Its pissing me off I swear to God.
Shelby turns her phone off and throws it in the backseat. Al just laughs and pats her on her leg.
Al Envy: Yeah its funny isn’t it? Someone has to die for people to actually give a shit about them. Davey has been more relevant in death than he was fucking alive. He damn sure got more attention when he died than when he was wrestling or escorting the walking death of charisma in his protege.
Shelby starts to smile as she looks at Al. He smiles back and takes her by the hand.
Al Envy: Right now we need to concentrate on having dinner with your Dad. One thing at a time sweetheart. One thing at a time.
Shelby Taylor: I know it is a bad idea that we do this. I know how my Dad is going to react to you. He reacted the same way when Scarlet introduced him to Jesse. He is just so cold towards him.
Al Envy: Well maybe my charm will win him over.
Shelby leaned in and kissed Al on the lips passionately. It caused Al to swerve off the road a little.
Shelby Taylor It damn sure won me over. I love you….
Al Envy: I love you too.
Shelby leaned in again and started kissing Al. He had to pull over to the side of the road as he and Shelby made out. Next thing you know Shelby had unbuckled and straddled Envy in the drivers seat. Al had her blouse unbuttoned and was about to head for home when they heard the bleep sound behind them. Al looked around Shelby’s head who was kissing his neck and working her way down and looked into the rear view mirror.
Al Envy: Oh shit….honey stop and get back in your seat. Its a damn state trooper.
Shelby jumped off Al and quickly the straps of her sun dress up on her shoulders. She wiped her face off and fixed her hair as the Kentucky state trooper knocked on the driver’s side window. Envy looked at the hillbilly cop and rolled down the window.
Al Envy: Can I help you officer??
State Trooper: Are yu folks aight dere??
Al Envy: Yeah we aight dere. What did I do for you to decide to pull up behind me and ask me that question?
The state trooper spit outside the Tahoe which kind of irritated Al. He hated people who fucking dipped snuff. Such a disgusting, classless gesture.
State Trooper: Well….I was about a few hundred feet behind you when I say yer suv start swerving den ya’ll pulls over on da side of the road.
Al was starting to wonder if this mother fucker was related to Ricky Cassels since like Ricky her was proficient in ruining the English language.
State Trooper: Ya’lls nice suv havin problems??
Al Envy: Uh no sir. My girlfriend lost her phone and she started checking around my feet to see if it fell down there.
Shelby started to smile in the seat but kept her mouth shut. The trooper looked at Shelby then back at Al.
State Trooper: Well ya’ll folks be careful next time. At least ya’lls pulled over instead of a dangerin other folks on the road. Ya’ll have a great day and welcome to Kantuckay! Ma’am…
Obviously the trooper saw the Texas license plates and knew they were from out of state. The trooper tipped his hat and started to walk away. He stopped again then looked back at Al and Shelby.
State Trooper: By da way ma’am. Yer telyphone is in yer back seat.
Shelby turned around and grabbed it.
Shelby Taylor: Uh thank you sir. I would have never thought to look back there.
Al started to chuckle as the officer walked away. Envy looked at Shelby who gave Al a mischievous look.
Al Envy: Good thing my pants weren't unzipped……
Shelby Taylor: What are you talking about. That’s a great thing.
Shelby started working her hand over to Al’s zipper but Al just grabbed her hand and kissed it.
Al Envy: Let’s just get to your Dad’s ok??
Shelby smiled and looked at Al with so much love in her eyes. Al goes to start the Tahoe but it doesn’t start….
Al Envy: What in the fuck….
Shelby Taylor: What are you doing?? Let's get going. I am going to need to pee soon.
Al Envy: I am trying honey the got damn thing won’t start.
Al tried turning it over again but still nothing. Envy pops the hood and gets out.He looks under the hood trying to find out the issue. After like three minutes Al slams the hood down and gets back in the Tahoe.
Al Envy: Son of a bitch. The timing belt snapped. This thing is brand fucking new why did the damn timing belt break??
Shelby Taylor: Why are you asking me about car stuff. All I know is how to drive them and look good doing it.
Al looked up at the mirror and saw the Onstar button. He clicked it.
“Onstar may I help you”
Al Envy: Yeah our Tahoe is broken down here on Interstate 75 in Kentucky. Can you please send me a tow truck??
Shelby Taylor: The hell I am getting in a nasty tow truck wearing this 200 dollar sun dress….
Al Envy: What are you going to do walk??
Shelby Taylor: If I have too yes….
Al Envy: Can we just stay focused here. The truck will be clean enough for you to sit in it. You can just sit on my lap alright?
Shelby looked irritated as Onstar started talking to them again.
“We have found your location. Would you like for the truck to send you to a certified mechanic??”
Al Envy: Well yeah we would like to get this damn thing fixed. We have a lot of driving to do. We are heading to New York City.
“Yes sir. The tow truck is on the way and it will take you and your Chevrolet Tahoe to a certified mechanic near your location. Thank you for using Onstar and have a great day.”
AL looked out the window then back into the rearview mirror. He looked over at Shelby who looked irritated still. He smiled at her then turned her head towards him by touching her chin. She smiled at him.
Al Envy: The cop is gone, and I am sure the tow truck will take about an hour to get here like most of them do. Wanna finish what we started a few minutes ago??
Shelby Taylor: Al you know me better than that. Do you even have to ask?
Once again Shelby mounts Al, and this time Al Envy rounds home, hell he hits for the fucking cycle.
=======================================================
2 Hours Later
Okay so the damn tow truck took a little longer than expected. But Al and Shelby made the best of their time if you know what I mean. Raising up from the back seat Al takes a deep breath and starts smoothing out his hair. Shortly after Shelby rises up out of breath with her sun dress off of her exposing qll of her goodies, and they were delicious let me tell you. Al looks down at his watch.
Al Envy: Jesus Christ its been two damn hours since we called the damn tow truck.
Shelby Taylor: Actually I haven’t minded the wait at all.
Shelby leans in and starts kissing Al again. Al is about to go for another round but a horn honks. Al looks out the back window and sees the tow truck coming.
Al Envy: Its about damn time. Its a good thing too because you were wearing me the hell out.
Shelby Taylor: But it was fun wasn’t it?
Al pulls his pants up and jumps out to meet the driver. Shelby gets her sun dress back on and follows.
“Aw excuse me folks if yer want I can getz ya extra time!”
A portly half bald man with a beer belly that would make any man proud walks bow legged up to the Tahoe. He walks past Al and Shelby and looks it over.
“What in da hell is wrong wid it?”
Al Envy: Timing belt….snapped.
“Phew that a stop a tank heh heh.”
Al Envy walks towards the tow truck driver.
Al Envy: Look my good man we are in a hurry to get to some engagements. Can we please get this racked up and to the mechanic.
It was right there the tow truck driver realized who was standing in front of him.
“Oh man….yer…..yer…..holy shit yer Owl Envay!!!! You are like a famous wrassler arent yer!!”
Al Envy: Yeah I am. And this is Shelby…..
“Oh I know who dat is. She is Kentuckay’s favourite daughta!! Damn its a honor a meetin ya. My name is Herschel. Shit let me get this hunka junk ha ha up on meh truck.”
With a little extra step in those bow legs Herschel gets to work mounting the Tahoe on his tow. Shelby walks over to the passenger side.
Shelby Taylor: Oh my god it smells like farts and hot dogs in there? Can we call a cab,a limo maybe?
Al Envy: baby we can’t wait that long. Its 1 in the afternoon and we are supposed to be at your Dad’s by 7 tonight. Just please get in. Sit on my lap and bury your face in my shoulder and try to hold your breath as long as you can ok?
Shelby hesitantly agreed and they wait for Herschel to finish the job.
Herschel: Ok Mr. Envay we are ready ta go. I want ta get ya folks back on da road quick Do ya mind if I taka ya to mah cousins? He is a hell of a mechanic with cerdyfacations and all. He can get this fixed in no time.
Al Envy: I appreciate it pal. Yeah that will be fine and all. The quicker we get back on the road the beter.
Herschel: Why tats great. He is only bout ten ta fifteen away. Maybe twenty to twenty five. It depends. depends on if da deer are crossin the road right now.
Al goes over to the passenger side. He gets in first and watches as Shelby takes a deep breath and gets in on Al’s lap. She immediately buries her face in Al’s neck and starts to cough a little. Herschel flops in and they headed out.
20 minutes later the tow truck pulls into a small farm. There are relic of old cars littering the front yard with the occasional motor or alternator in certain spots. As they pull in close a house comes up with a garage with three bays. As the truck pulls in a guy wearing a straw hat with a handlebar moustache and overalls comes out with a child. Shelby leaps out of the truck and takes a deep breath as Al soon follows suit and starts hitting Shelby in the back helping her get her breath.
Shelby Taylor: Jesus he was farting Al. What in the fuck is wrong with people!!
Al laughing looks at Shelby.
Al Envy: They are your fellow Kentuckians.
Shelby Taylor: Sometimes its hard for me to believe that.
Al Envy: Boy ain that the truth
Al said that because a large woman came out of the house and she made Nikki Juggs or Austen Impact’s ex wife look like Shelby. She portly woman approaches Al and Shelby.
“How ya’ll doin?
“Momma that is a purty girl.”
The little boy was looking at Shelby and smiling with three teeth in his mouth.
Shelby Taylor: Well thank you sweetie.
The man with the overalls on walks up to Al.
“Hiya I am Clyde. So ya needs a timin belt on ya fancy car huh? I can get that fixed in a jiffy. Got some timin belts on a pile in the back that are brand spankin new.”
Al Envy: Well thank you Clyde. If you could get that done for me I would appreciate it. We are kind of in a bit of a rush.
Clyde: That's no problem boss. I knows ya need to get to News Yerk Citay and whoop that Austan Impact’s ass. Ya give me like an hour and a half and she willz be good as new.
Clyde turned his back and helped Herschel get the Tahoe off the tow and push it into the garage. Herschel comes back out.
Al Envy: How much do I owe you?
Herschel: Aw hell son it was just an honur to eet ya. Just pay fer mah gas like 20 bucks and we call it even.
Al hands Herschel fifty dollars.
Al Envy: Take the extra thirty friend and get your cab cleaned for God’s sake lol
Herschel let out a hefty chuckle and after farting once again climbs into his tow and drives away. The large woman gets Al and Shelby’s attention.
“Ya’ll come inside sir and ma’am and have a glass of iced tea. I made some country steak as well if yer hungry. We have plenty.
The little boy grabs Shelby by the hand and pulls her towards the house.
“Allow me ma’am.”
Shelby beaming like an angel smiles at how sweet this little kid was. Al along with the fat woman walk behind them.
“The names Charlene by da way. Its so nice ta meet ya Mr. Envay.”
Envy was kind of surprised that these hillbillies knew who he was. They enter the house and it is rather nice. The country steak smelled really damn good and Al realized that he was pretty damn hungry.
Al Envy: You know that smells pretty good. I wouldn’t mind having a piece of that steak. Smells damn good.
Charlene: Well its an old family recimape. Like I said deres plentay. Let me get cha that team and a sammich.
Al sat down impressed by the hospitality.Shelby sat next to Al.
Shelby Taylor: Do you really want to eat this?
Al Envy: Babe I am hungry. I metabolism is low because I worked out this morning and didn’t eat anything.
Shelby Taylor: Ok honey. I was just saying.
Charlene brings out a paper plate filled with country fried steak and some wonder bread and hands it to Al with a mason jar of sweet tea. She hands another mason jar of sweet tea to Shelby who thanks her. Al digs into sandwich and devours it in like 6 bites.
Al Envy: My God that was amazing. Its no wonder Clyde is such a hefty boy when he eats like this.
Al thinks that Charlene has had a few country friend steak sandwiches as well judging by her girth. The little boy brings out some stuff. It was a ton of NEW merchandise. He had stuff like figures and pictures. This kid had made Jesse Styles some serious money buying all this stuff because of Jesse being a cheap bastard and charging an arm and a leg for merchandise. This kid had everything.
He starts handing Al some of his stuff that had Al’s likeness. Nervously he hands Al a sharpie.
“Could...you sign my stuff Mr. Envay??”
Charlene: TOMMY LEAVE MR.ENVAY ALONE!!!
Al Envy: Oh please Charlene I don’t mind. It’s the least I could do for all the hospitality you have showed me.
Al starts signing everything that he could. He picks up the final picture and his opponent Austen Impact stares him back in the face, as well as Davey Dynamo who was at one time Austen’s manager as well as his mentor.
Al Envy: Now Tommy. Why would you have this guy in your collection. All of the Al Envy and Jesse Styles stuff that I signed for you will be worth money one day. This right here is just toilet paper little man.
Tommy: I know. It came with a bunch of pictures I bought as a set. I thought I threw it away actually.
Al laughed and handed the picture of Austen Impact and Davey Dynamo back to Tommy. He thanks Al and runs back to his room but not before stopping to throw the picture of Austen Impact away in the trash can. Al smiles and sits back. Just then his stomach started rumbling.
Al Envy: Man. I don’t feel good at all.
Shelby Taylor: That was so nice what you did for that sweet little boy. You made his day. You are going to be a great father one day you know that right?
Al kind of ignores Shelby and sits up and starts holding his stomach. All of a sudden he pops up off of the couch.
Al Envy: Charlene where is your bathroom at??
Charlene: It is straight back second door on da left.
Al runs down the hall and takes a turn. he drops his drawers just in time for the shit to literally hit the fan. Of course if the fan was a toilet. It poured out of him. It was so fierce Al had to grab hold of the sink to balance himself. It kept pouring and pouring out of him like water through a screen door. Finally it was over. Weak as a kitten now Al pops off the toilet, cleans himself and flushes the toilet.
Shelby peeks into the bathroom then quickly jerks her head away.
Shelby Taylor: Holy Jesus that stinks.
Al Envy: Well I am sorry Shelby that it doesn’t smell like tulips.
Shelby helps Al back to the couch. Charlene meets them with a glass of water.
Charlene: Mr. Envay are ya ok?
Al Envy: That was strange. It must have been something I ate.
Charlene: I told Clyde that damn possum had been lying out there too long. But nnnooo he had to have me cook it. Didn't want the bullet he used on da critter to go ta waste.
It took Al a minute to understand what he just heard.
Al Envy: Wait….possum?? That what you called country fried steak was actually possum.
Charlene: Well sure. It is the best kind of meat to batter and fry up.
Al immediately got up and walked out of the house. Shelby smiled at Charlene and thanked her for her hospitality and meets Al outside.
Al Envy: I just fucking ate spoiled possum meat??
Shelby Taylor: Well...I warned you about eating it. That kind of stuff is normal in these parts.
Al just stared at Shelby with a look of disgust. Just then Clyde, with oily hands, approaches Al and hands him the keys to the Tahoe.
Clyde: Yer Tahoe is ready Mr. Envay. Yer all ready ter go.
Al still trying not to throw up takes the keys.
Al Envy: How...much do I...owe ya??
Clyde: Well…..lets call it 50 bucks. It was actually my pleasure ta werk fer ya on dis.
Pulling out his wallet Al hands Clyde a hundred dollar bill.
Al Envy: Please...take this hundred….buy yourself some extra bullets ok??
Clyde was just beaming at Al.
Clyde: I wish ya luck sir. Safe travels. Now if ya will excuse me that country fried steak is a callin mah name.
Those words cause Al to almost throw up. He slowly walks away as Shelby follows. Al and Shelby get in the Tahoe and drive away.
Could this day get any worse?? Oh course it will. It was now time for Al Envy to meet Shelby’s Dad.
The things you do for love……………...
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