Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2015 5:01:01 GMT -6
The look of her breathing is peaceful, I look down as she sighs in her sleep, and it almost makes me smile. A feeling I’ve felt less and less recently. I lean down and kiss her head, she doesn’t budge.
“I love you Sarah. Goodbye.” I throw on my leather jacket, and grab my helmet, and quickly sync my phone to the attached headset. I turn on some Elliott Smith, and I hop on my bike, heading towards the highway.
I stop at the station to get gas, and decide to quickly text the few close friends I have left to tell them a final goodbye and let them know I love them. After the message is sent, I mount my bike, and tear off into the night, flying down the Pacific Coast Highway. The song “Let’s Get Lost,” comes through my headset, and I can’t help but to realize that this song is so terribly fitting for my life.
“I’ll burn every bridge that I cross, Just to find a beautiful place to get lost.” That lyric is the summarization of my life of late. Alienate, leave, start again. Everyone I’m close to gets hurt at my expense, and I can no longer bear that cross. I feel a lone tear streak down my face as I continue my ride. The purr of my Indian Motorcycle burning through the night. I weave through the windy road.
To Those That Still Love me,
Just four months ago, I was on top of the world. I was the NEW Champion. I had women coming out of the woodwork, wanting to date me, sleep with me, be with me in every form or fashion. In that four months I managed to blow out both of my knees, requiring full knee replacement on both knees and an experimental lab grown ligaments to patch up the damage. I managed to sleep my way through a who’s who of the wrestling world, and plenty of bartenders and waitresses and a few nurses as well. I managed two stints in rehab, and I had a heart carved into my chest by the woman that I probably loved more than anyone in the world, only to throw it away on a pipe dream that was guaranteed to NEVER come true.
So how was your time off? NEW took a vacation and I decided that I would become the degenerate that Father Nathan said I would become back at Demented. When he foreshadowed that I would become just like Davey, he wasn’t lying, and then some. I think I took Davey to a whole new level, and now I’m paying for that dearly, and desperately.
I hug close to the center line as an oncoming car comes speeding down the highway. I cut the lights on my bike just 100 yards away from them, and slowly cross over. They flash their lights, and I instinctively pull back to my side, and flip my lights on as they blare their horn as they pass, the crescendo and eventual fade of their horn nearly drowning my music.
This title that I carry has been what defines me, and I’m letting the weight of it carry me down. I know that I should be proud, but with each passing day I know that I’m going to have to defend it in one of the biggest matches of my career. I narrowly escaped with it against Kaycee Jordan-Gerrard, and I know I wasn’t feeling 100 percent. Now I have to go against some truly tough competition including the man that nearly beat me for the title, and one of my best friends, Al Envy.
This match can take years off your life with its brutality, and I’m already shorted on my career with my destroyed knees. I can’t keep living with that stress, knowing that I’m probably going to lose my title, and let all of my fans down. How can I honestly have any dignity left if I lose my title, lose all of my friends, lose my career. It would just be easier to walk away and leave with my head held high. I can’t take it anymore. My body, my mind, my very soul are completely exhausted. They’re worn thin, and I can’t handle the strain any longer.
I slow down my bike and pull off to the side of the road. I walk down the embankment onto the beach, overlooking the moon’s reflection on the churning ocean water. It looks so peaceful, so serene. It would be the perfect way to go, just drift out to sea and never return. Let the ocean creatures feed off my body, so that I can provide some form of nourishment for someone or something.
I start walking towards the water, the sea air filling my lungs as I smile slightly, feeling like this would be my ideal final memory. Just as I’m about to the water, a bright light flashes down on me.
“HEY!” The sound of an authoritative voice echoes down towards me.
I keep walking, and he shouts again, “STOP RIGHT THERE!”
I pause, and slowly turn, as a Police Officer comes sliding and stumbling down the embankment and onto the sand. He starts towards me, light still shining around my midsection.
“What are you doing out here?” He asks as he steps closer.
“Just enjoying the night sir,” I lie.
“You can’t park your motorcycle up there, and you’re not supposed to be on this beach.”
“Why not? I didn’t see any posted signs,” I remark, getting annoyed at the officer for disrupting my perfect departure.
“If there is no public access point then you are not allowed on the beach.” The officer states.
I roll my eyes, realizing he’s not going anywhere until I leave the area. I walk back towards the embankment, and climb up, ensuring that my foot slips numerous times sending dirt and rocks falling down on the officer climbing behind me. Finally I get to the top, and send one last big chunk down, which hits the officer in the face, knocking him backwards and rolling down the embankment. I half heartedly let out a chuckle, before climbing on my bike and continue down the road.
I think that I’ve numbed my feelings for so long. I loved and lost, and loved and destroyed, and I loved and was not loved back. Each time I found peace at the bottom of a bottle, or in a powder. I had so many chemicals running through my veins at one point I didn’t know whether to run or sleep. I was basically a vegetable. That’s when I went to rehab. I cleaned myself up. I gave up alcohol and drugs. I was in a stable loving relationship. Admittedly there were some clear tendencies of, well, kink. Cutting, choking, bondage, but it was real. I loved her, and she loved me.
Just days before we were set to depart for Italy for a month long vacation, I ended things with Elena in the most irresponsible way. I left and I texted her. It was cowardly, and I regret every moment of that night, but I got scared, I got scared and I got a call. A call that was ultimately the start of my downward spiral.
Jennifer Drew was my muse. She was ultimately the one who got away. How I’m not sure since I never REALLY had her. Not in the conventional sense anyway. We went out, and hooked up. I took her out a second time and again we hooked up, and then I found out she was in the hospital. I brought her to my place and I took care of her, we sat in my bed all day talking and watching movies and eating ice cream as she coughed up blood all over me, my bed and my clothes, but I didn’t mind. I felt something with her that I hadn’t felt before.
Then like that it was over. We wanted two completely different things. I wanted a relationship. I wanted someone to be by my side as I’m by hers. She wanted sex. I admit the sex was great, and had I been self serving, I’d have just done what we agreed to and I’d travel with her, and we’d have sex. Who knows, maybe it would have led to more, but I couldn’t do it. So in the early morning I left. I took off and ran away, drowning my sorrows. That was where I first met Elena, and that’s what made me decide to get clean that first time.
Back to the phone call that ended everything. Jennifer called me up. When I left I told her if she was ever ready to try a relationship give me a call. That’s exactly what she did. She called me up and I couldn’t resist. I knew I loved Elena and I knew that I could easily marry her, but this was Jenni. How could I pass up a chance at Jenni. So I took Jenni out, we had a good night, but it didn’t feel right. She seemed distant. Like her mind was elsewhere. The next day we talked, and she told me that she didn’t feel I was ready for a relationship.
WHAT? Me? The man who just LEFT a relationship to give a relationship with her a shot was not ready? I was floored, but most of all I was hurt. Instantly I relapsed. I binged for three straight days, filling my body with whatever I could get my hands on. When I finally started coming down I recalled something Elena had told me.
“Please don’t get involved with anyone until you know for sure I’m not the one you want.”
In that moment, I realized that I had to get clean to get her back. So I checked myself into rehab. Started detoxing. Started inking my body to help take away the pain from withdrawal and to start telling a story of my struggle. I started properly rehabbing my knee too, and trimmed my body up to a good fighting shape again.
I called Elena to let her know what I was doing and that it was her I wanted, but was flabbergasted when another man answered the phone. He quickly gave it over to her, and I asked her what was going on. As it turned out, she moved on. Less than 2 weeks after our breakup she moved on from me. I can’t totally fault her, but she did what she asked me not to do. Truthfully I guess I did too.
Crushed, I checked out of rehab. I wasn’t sure I truly wanted it anymore. That’s when I truly started to unravel. I felt like I was just passing through a vector, that everything around me was perfect and here I was in this dark tunnel of hell with no entrance or exit.
I glance down at the speedometer on my motorcycle. I pull back on the throttle and take her up to 90 miles per hour, as I weave down that road, very little traffic in sight. I just keep replaying that song in my head, trying to drown out all of these thoughts. These memories that plague me. That haunt me every night in my dreams, every day as I’m doing my daily functions.
I try to shake it off, but I can’t get them to go away. Another lyric rang true as I repeated this song. So fitting for me.
“I had true love, I made it die, I pushed her away, she said please stay.”
He truly knew the levels of frustration, disappointment, of regret that I was feeling.
I bounced around from girl to girl for a while, slowly burning bridges as I went, sleeping with a woman here, not calling her back. Sleeping with someone here, and taking her money and leaving. I became the epitome of a man whore and I started to live that lifestyle.
At the same time, I had taken in a stray so to speak. A young woman in need of help. I rented her a room in my condo, and she became like a little sister to me. She put me in my place plenty of times, but she couldn’t really settle me down the way she wished she could. I don’t think anyone could at the time.
That’s when I stumbled into Sarah. A double booking at a hotel led to me staying in the room we were both booked in, and it was just right. We fit like a glove, and I was happy. She moved back to LA with me, and we were happy. At least on the outside. On the inside these demons, these memories kept plaguing me and I couldn’t shake them. I couldn’t escape them, and for that, I must say good bye. I love you Sarah and I love everyone that is still in my life.
-Austen
My phone rings. I carefully reach up, answering the call as it rings in my headset. It’s Heather, one of my closest friends, one who’s stood beside me while everyone else walked away.
“Don’t have time Heather, just know I love you.” I yell, trying to speak over the roar of my bike.
“You don’t want to do this, please, just stop.” She pleads, as I focus on the road. I see a set of headlights in the distance and I merge into the oncoming lane.
“Can’t stop Heather, it’s time. I can’t do it anymore.”
“WHERE THE FUCK IS SARAH?” She yells, concerned.
“She’s asleep at home. I slipped her a pill and she fell asleep. I didn’t want her waking up until after the fact.” The sound of a Semi Horn blares in the background as I pull back on the throttle and speed towards the oncoming vehicle.
“Look, I was in your shoes a few days ago. I know what it feels like. I was seconds away from jumping. Austen listen to me. This is something you can get help for. I can help you. Aus…”
I don’t have time to hang up before the sound of squealing tires and scraping metal drown out all other sounds.
“Ugh, oof.” I groan as my body bounces across the ground, my head hitting the pavement.
“AUSTEN!” Heather yells into the phone terrified. That was the last thing before I blacked out.
“AUSTEN...AUSTEN...AUSten...Austen...Aus…” the sound drifts away as I panic. Please, bring it back, I need that sound. I need to hear it, and suddenly, my eyes open and I’m inside a hospital room. Friends and family surrounding my bed. My vision is slightly blurred and I’m confused as hell, but I’m alive. My whole body is in pain, as I look around. Al Envy, Johnny Ajax and his fiance Katherine. Declan, all of my BULLETscars brothers, and Sarah. My dear Sarah, tears streaking down her face. I look over at my brothers.
“Guys, give us a minute.” They all nod and exit the room.
“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” She throws the letter on my chest.
I look down, regaining my vision. There is a large cast on my right arm that goes up to just below the elbow. My ribs are bandaged and I realize that it kills to breath. I look at Sarah, who is coming over, and gives me a hug. I wince from the pain in my ribs, but don’t let her see. I need her embrace.
“I’m sorry Sarah. I thought I needed this. I felt like I needed to just go away, but I couldn’t do it.”
“That is the most selfish thing in the world. Do you realize how many lives you would have crushed by doing this?”
I look around the room at all the flowers, I look outside and see my brothers along with Keith and Sasha, Heather, and many others from work and life. I look back at Sarah.
“They’re all here because of me?” I ask, confused and shocked.
“YES, these are all people that love you. They all came from various places after they got done working, and wanted to be here with you.”
I instantly feel my heart sink. I feel like an asshole, and I start to cry. Sarah wipes my tears, and again hugs me. This time I couldn’t stop myself from wincing aloud. She pulls back.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine, your hugs are worth it.”
Slowly people start filing back in, giving me high fives welcoming me back to the land of the living. I smile, acknowledging and thanking everybody, as they all head out knowing that I’m going to be ok. Sarah sits next to me, and begins rubbing my forehead as I lay back to relax. I feel my eyes get heavy and I drift back to sleep.
“I love you Sarah. Goodbye.” I throw on my leather jacket, and grab my helmet, and quickly sync my phone to the attached headset. I turn on some Elliott Smith, and I hop on my bike, heading towards the highway.
I stop at the station to get gas, and decide to quickly text the few close friends I have left to tell them a final goodbye and let them know I love them. After the message is sent, I mount my bike, and tear off into the night, flying down the Pacific Coast Highway. The song “Let’s Get Lost,” comes through my headset, and I can’t help but to realize that this song is so terribly fitting for my life.
“I’ll burn every bridge that I cross, Just to find a beautiful place to get lost.” That lyric is the summarization of my life of late. Alienate, leave, start again. Everyone I’m close to gets hurt at my expense, and I can no longer bear that cross. I feel a lone tear streak down my face as I continue my ride. The purr of my Indian Motorcycle burning through the night. I weave through the windy road.
To Those That Still Love me,
Just four months ago, I was on top of the world. I was the NEW Champion. I had women coming out of the woodwork, wanting to date me, sleep with me, be with me in every form or fashion. In that four months I managed to blow out both of my knees, requiring full knee replacement on both knees and an experimental lab grown ligaments to patch up the damage. I managed to sleep my way through a who’s who of the wrestling world, and plenty of bartenders and waitresses and a few nurses as well. I managed two stints in rehab, and I had a heart carved into my chest by the woman that I probably loved more than anyone in the world, only to throw it away on a pipe dream that was guaranteed to NEVER come true.
So how was your time off? NEW took a vacation and I decided that I would become the degenerate that Father Nathan said I would become back at Demented. When he foreshadowed that I would become just like Davey, he wasn’t lying, and then some. I think I took Davey to a whole new level, and now I’m paying for that dearly, and desperately.
I hug close to the center line as an oncoming car comes speeding down the highway. I cut the lights on my bike just 100 yards away from them, and slowly cross over. They flash their lights, and I instinctively pull back to my side, and flip my lights on as they blare their horn as they pass, the crescendo and eventual fade of their horn nearly drowning my music.
This title that I carry has been what defines me, and I’m letting the weight of it carry me down. I know that I should be proud, but with each passing day I know that I’m going to have to defend it in one of the biggest matches of my career. I narrowly escaped with it against Kaycee Jordan-Gerrard, and I know I wasn’t feeling 100 percent. Now I have to go against some truly tough competition including the man that nearly beat me for the title, and one of my best friends, Al Envy.
This match can take years off your life with its brutality, and I’m already shorted on my career with my destroyed knees. I can’t keep living with that stress, knowing that I’m probably going to lose my title, and let all of my fans down. How can I honestly have any dignity left if I lose my title, lose all of my friends, lose my career. It would just be easier to walk away and leave with my head held high. I can’t take it anymore. My body, my mind, my very soul are completely exhausted. They’re worn thin, and I can’t handle the strain any longer.
I slow down my bike and pull off to the side of the road. I walk down the embankment onto the beach, overlooking the moon’s reflection on the churning ocean water. It looks so peaceful, so serene. It would be the perfect way to go, just drift out to sea and never return. Let the ocean creatures feed off my body, so that I can provide some form of nourishment for someone or something.
I start walking towards the water, the sea air filling my lungs as I smile slightly, feeling like this would be my ideal final memory. Just as I’m about to the water, a bright light flashes down on me.
“HEY!” The sound of an authoritative voice echoes down towards me.
I keep walking, and he shouts again, “STOP RIGHT THERE!”
I pause, and slowly turn, as a Police Officer comes sliding and stumbling down the embankment and onto the sand. He starts towards me, light still shining around my midsection.
“What are you doing out here?” He asks as he steps closer.
“Just enjoying the night sir,” I lie.
“You can’t park your motorcycle up there, and you’re not supposed to be on this beach.”
“Why not? I didn’t see any posted signs,” I remark, getting annoyed at the officer for disrupting my perfect departure.
“If there is no public access point then you are not allowed on the beach.” The officer states.
I roll my eyes, realizing he’s not going anywhere until I leave the area. I walk back towards the embankment, and climb up, ensuring that my foot slips numerous times sending dirt and rocks falling down on the officer climbing behind me. Finally I get to the top, and send one last big chunk down, which hits the officer in the face, knocking him backwards and rolling down the embankment. I half heartedly let out a chuckle, before climbing on my bike and continue down the road.
I think that I’ve numbed my feelings for so long. I loved and lost, and loved and destroyed, and I loved and was not loved back. Each time I found peace at the bottom of a bottle, or in a powder. I had so many chemicals running through my veins at one point I didn’t know whether to run or sleep. I was basically a vegetable. That’s when I went to rehab. I cleaned myself up. I gave up alcohol and drugs. I was in a stable loving relationship. Admittedly there were some clear tendencies of, well, kink. Cutting, choking, bondage, but it was real. I loved her, and she loved me.
Just days before we were set to depart for Italy for a month long vacation, I ended things with Elena in the most irresponsible way. I left and I texted her. It was cowardly, and I regret every moment of that night, but I got scared, I got scared and I got a call. A call that was ultimately the start of my downward spiral.
Jennifer Drew was my muse. She was ultimately the one who got away. How I’m not sure since I never REALLY had her. Not in the conventional sense anyway. We went out, and hooked up. I took her out a second time and again we hooked up, and then I found out she was in the hospital. I brought her to my place and I took care of her, we sat in my bed all day talking and watching movies and eating ice cream as she coughed up blood all over me, my bed and my clothes, but I didn’t mind. I felt something with her that I hadn’t felt before.
Then like that it was over. We wanted two completely different things. I wanted a relationship. I wanted someone to be by my side as I’m by hers. She wanted sex. I admit the sex was great, and had I been self serving, I’d have just done what we agreed to and I’d travel with her, and we’d have sex. Who knows, maybe it would have led to more, but I couldn’t do it. So in the early morning I left. I took off and ran away, drowning my sorrows. That was where I first met Elena, and that’s what made me decide to get clean that first time.
Back to the phone call that ended everything. Jennifer called me up. When I left I told her if she was ever ready to try a relationship give me a call. That’s exactly what she did. She called me up and I couldn’t resist. I knew I loved Elena and I knew that I could easily marry her, but this was Jenni. How could I pass up a chance at Jenni. So I took Jenni out, we had a good night, but it didn’t feel right. She seemed distant. Like her mind was elsewhere. The next day we talked, and she told me that she didn’t feel I was ready for a relationship.
WHAT? Me? The man who just LEFT a relationship to give a relationship with her a shot was not ready? I was floored, but most of all I was hurt. Instantly I relapsed. I binged for three straight days, filling my body with whatever I could get my hands on. When I finally started coming down I recalled something Elena had told me.
“Please don’t get involved with anyone until you know for sure I’m not the one you want.”
In that moment, I realized that I had to get clean to get her back. So I checked myself into rehab. Started detoxing. Started inking my body to help take away the pain from withdrawal and to start telling a story of my struggle. I started properly rehabbing my knee too, and trimmed my body up to a good fighting shape again.
I called Elena to let her know what I was doing and that it was her I wanted, but was flabbergasted when another man answered the phone. He quickly gave it over to her, and I asked her what was going on. As it turned out, she moved on. Less than 2 weeks after our breakup she moved on from me. I can’t totally fault her, but she did what she asked me not to do. Truthfully I guess I did too.
Crushed, I checked out of rehab. I wasn’t sure I truly wanted it anymore. That’s when I truly started to unravel. I felt like I was just passing through a vector, that everything around me was perfect and here I was in this dark tunnel of hell with no entrance or exit.
I glance down at the speedometer on my motorcycle. I pull back on the throttle and take her up to 90 miles per hour, as I weave down that road, very little traffic in sight. I just keep replaying that song in my head, trying to drown out all of these thoughts. These memories that plague me. That haunt me every night in my dreams, every day as I’m doing my daily functions.
I try to shake it off, but I can’t get them to go away. Another lyric rang true as I repeated this song. So fitting for me.
“I had true love, I made it die, I pushed her away, she said please stay.”
He truly knew the levels of frustration, disappointment, of regret that I was feeling.
I bounced around from girl to girl for a while, slowly burning bridges as I went, sleeping with a woman here, not calling her back. Sleeping with someone here, and taking her money and leaving. I became the epitome of a man whore and I started to live that lifestyle.
At the same time, I had taken in a stray so to speak. A young woman in need of help. I rented her a room in my condo, and she became like a little sister to me. She put me in my place plenty of times, but she couldn’t really settle me down the way she wished she could. I don’t think anyone could at the time.
That’s when I stumbled into Sarah. A double booking at a hotel led to me staying in the room we were both booked in, and it was just right. We fit like a glove, and I was happy. She moved back to LA with me, and we were happy. At least on the outside. On the inside these demons, these memories kept plaguing me and I couldn’t shake them. I couldn’t escape them, and for that, I must say good bye. I love you Sarah and I love everyone that is still in my life.
-Austen
My phone rings. I carefully reach up, answering the call as it rings in my headset. It’s Heather, one of my closest friends, one who’s stood beside me while everyone else walked away.
“Don’t have time Heather, just know I love you.” I yell, trying to speak over the roar of my bike.
“You don’t want to do this, please, just stop.” She pleads, as I focus on the road. I see a set of headlights in the distance and I merge into the oncoming lane.
“Can’t stop Heather, it’s time. I can’t do it anymore.”
“WHERE THE FUCK IS SARAH?” She yells, concerned.
“She’s asleep at home. I slipped her a pill and she fell asleep. I didn’t want her waking up until after the fact.” The sound of a Semi Horn blares in the background as I pull back on the throttle and speed towards the oncoming vehicle.
“Look, I was in your shoes a few days ago. I know what it feels like. I was seconds away from jumping. Austen listen to me. This is something you can get help for. I can help you. Aus…”
I don’t have time to hang up before the sound of squealing tires and scraping metal drown out all other sounds.
“Ugh, oof.” I groan as my body bounces across the ground, my head hitting the pavement.
“AUSTEN!” Heather yells into the phone terrified. That was the last thing before I blacked out.
“AUSTEN...AUSTEN...AUSten...Austen...Aus…” the sound drifts away as I panic. Please, bring it back, I need that sound. I need to hear it, and suddenly, my eyes open and I’m inside a hospital room. Friends and family surrounding my bed. My vision is slightly blurred and I’m confused as hell, but I’m alive. My whole body is in pain, as I look around. Al Envy, Johnny Ajax and his fiance Katherine. Declan, all of my BULLETscars brothers, and Sarah. My dear Sarah, tears streaking down her face. I look over at my brothers.
“Guys, give us a minute.” They all nod and exit the room.
“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” She throws the letter on my chest.
I look down, regaining my vision. There is a large cast on my right arm that goes up to just below the elbow. My ribs are bandaged and I realize that it kills to breath. I look at Sarah, who is coming over, and gives me a hug. I wince from the pain in my ribs, but don’t let her see. I need her embrace.
“I’m sorry Sarah. I thought I needed this. I felt like I needed to just go away, but I couldn’t do it.”
“That is the most selfish thing in the world. Do you realize how many lives you would have crushed by doing this?”
I look around the room at all the flowers, I look outside and see my brothers along with Keith and Sasha, Heather, and many others from work and life. I look back at Sarah.
“They’re all here because of me?” I ask, confused and shocked.
“YES, these are all people that love you. They all came from various places after they got done working, and wanted to be here with you.”
I instantly feel my heart sink. I feel like an asshole, and I start to cry. Sarah wipes my tears, and again hugs me. This time I couldn’t stop myself from wincing aloud. She pulls back.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine, your hugs are worth it.”
Slowly people start filing back in, giving me high fives welcoming me back to the land of the living. I smile, acknowledging and thanking everybody, as they all head out knowing that I’m going to be ok. Sarah sits next to me, and begins rubbing my forehead as I lay back to relax. I feel my eyes get heavy and I drift back to sleep.