Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2019 11:24:48 GMT -6
It was a rainy Friday morning in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I was standing out on the balcony of the third-story hotel room I was sharing with Jarek. X-Core Championship belt around my waist as I took drags from my vape pen.
Shane Sparx ; “Nice. Grape flavored!”
The nostalgic artificial grape flavor reminded me of where I got my start, and who I was at the time. I was as much the clown as Blair Buchannan said I was, but even more so back then. I would cut promos drinking grape Smirnoff Ice malt beverages. I would start random fires. Hell, I was fined a few times because I cost CWF lots of money with my pyromaniac tendencies during my promos. I was in and out of jail, and in and out of love. To be honest, I don’t know what those people saw in me.
After that promotion folded, a series of events would challenge me. Financial hardships, relationship woes, and ALL wrestling promotions from there on out telling me I’d never be a main eventer. I was told I needed to mature a little bit ; that I had to grow up. That I’d never be a sought after talent if I didn’t get my shit together. All I’d be is a liability wherever I went.
But I literally said “fuck that”. I knew that I still needed to remain positive, and still keep that spark about me that made me relatable. Sure, a little positive growth never hurt anyone but why completely change for a measly paycheck?
No matter what News station you’d be seeing me on, or what crazy malt beverage I’d be promoting at local autograph signings, people were always going to be drawn to me because I represented reality for them. And that was enough for me. In my mind, when I went against the grain, I was declining money. I was declining future opportunities. And I was throwing away the potential outcome of EVER being a role model ; or so I thought, because I had a jaded view of what it was to be someone people could look up to. But I’d become a man that kids aspired to be when they grew up, men would envy, and women would want to leave their husbands for.
Sploooooooosh!
But in all seriousness? Fuck Blair for trying to back me into that corner and make me feel like an adolscent all over again. And fuck Al Envy for trying to hold me back just because he didn’t understand my story. He didn’t want to understand my story. And that was fine with me, because at this point in my career, I didn’t really want to fight him. The guy primed ages ago, and now he was every bit the joke that he thought I was. Would’ve been just a tad more fun facing off with the club soda version of Al Envy. But he has long lost his carbonation. He’s gotten flat, and most of the men that carried him through his career back then wasn’t even trying to fuck with him anymore.
He was challenging me for my belt only to help his own story along. He figured he would target Shane Sparx: the first champion back, because I was the MAIN one making waves. And by doing that, he was only holding me back because if I was fighting a deserving challenger, I’m pretty sure I’d be right back in the main event - even surpassing Roger Wright and Hazard. But fuck it. I had leaped over many hurdles in my wrestling career before, so what would it hurt to jump over an already downed hurdle in Al Envy?!
Defeating this scrub and defending my title weighed heavily on my mind. Thinking about what I came from and where I was now was weighing heavily on my mind. But admittedly, this was a positive recollection and revelation of thoughts. I was looking forward to what was to come. And curious to see what type of internship Jarek would be getting us into.
Jarek pokes his head out through the sliding glass door that leads to the balcony.
Jarek Whitaker ; “Hey, man. I’m meeting with this guy tomorrow morning. He gave me little information. Just that he wants me to swing by early tomorrow morning and grab the assignment.”
Shane Sparx ; “You have fun with that. I’ll be getting my beauty sleep that Blair Buchannan failed to give me two weeks ago!”
As Jarek steps back in, Shane looks down at his phone and notices that he has a new “suggested” friend on Facebook.
Shane Sparx ; “Violetta?! Holy shit. I haven’t heard from that girl in ages. Ever since she dumped my ass.”
Man.. If what my great grandmother told me once was true, being the Facebook monger that she was, this means that Violetta had found me and had been checking out my Facebook profile. But… why??”
---
Shane Sparx ; “Jarek?! Pick up the phone, asshole! Stop sending me straight to voicemail!”
It was Saturday morning. Just one day replaced from NEW’s first major show back, Ascension. And what was I doing? Holding up the wall at a local Starbucks where Jarek was supposed to meet me thirty minutes ago. But where the fuck was he?! I swear.. The kid is lucky I like him. I was up until 4 A.M. last night playing Dead by Daylight, with the sole intent of sleeping in today. Then Jarek left the hotel early to “run errands” and said he would meet me here. I don’t even eat breakfast, let alone drink coffee.. So whatever this was about, it had better been good!
Random woman ; “Excuse me, are you in line?”
Shane Sparx ; “Nah.. you go ahead. I’m waiting on a frenemy.”
The lady literally leaps into the line as if a rocket had gone off in her ass.
Random woman ; “Hi yes, can I get a venti mocha frappuccino? I want that with half almond milk, half 2%. Light on the whipped cream, and I want you to use sugar free chocolate substitute. Add some raspberry syrup and maybe some toffee shavings. Oh and why not drizzle a little caramel sauce on top for me?!”
The random lady looks back at Shane and can’t help but to notice the fact that he’s judging her, just from the look on his face alone.
Random woman ; “...What?”
Shane Sparx ; “...Nah. Too easy. I could honestly say a whole lot. But I’ll spare you.”
Random woman ; “And I could ABSOLUTELY say the same about you! You roll up in here with a kid’s toy draped around your shoulder an-”
Shane is quick to interrupt her.
Shane Sparx ; “You CLEARLY don’t know who you’re talking to, sweet cheeks. I am the reigning New Edge Wrestling X-Core Champion. And I wear this shit with pride wherever the fuck I go. Meanwhile, the only thing you’re gonna be wearing in the next thirty seconds is that whipped cream from the sugared down mess of a coffee drink that you ordered! I bet the drink itself is just as confused as you are about why you didn’t just go all out and order whole milk.”
Random woman ; “I’m on a diet!”
Shane Sparx ; “Riiiiiight. Just from looking at you, I can tell you’re one of those dipshits that make weight loss a New Year’s Resolution only to give it up by midnight of January the second.”
Random woman ; “I knew I should’ve brought one of my girlfriends with me this morning! ‘Cuz I’m too tired to kick your ass myself.”
Shane Sparx ; “That makes the two of us. I’m just standing here.. Waiting on my friend to arrive, but nothing…”
Oddly, the lady’s tone begins to change as she sees this as an opportunity. Sure, Shane is being a total douchenozzle towards her, but there’s no denying that good ol’ boy charm.
Random woman ; “Aww. Maybe you’re not so bad after all. Would you like to maybe sit with me and have some coffee? Get to know one another?”
Shane Sparx ; “Naw. I’m a bigger picture kind of guy and I can already tell that if I brought you back to my hotel room, you’d smother me to death.”
Okay.. So much for that charm. Shane has an incoming call from James Dathan. Which gives Shane the momentum to say what he REALLY feels to this lady before answering the phone.
Shane Sparx ; “Get lost, beach whale.”
Shane swipes his finger across his phone to answer James’ call and puts him on speaker.
Shane Sparx ; “JUDAS! I mean… James. I mean… bro!. You’re up hella early. Let me guess… you can’t sleep?
James Dathan ; “Nah.. how’d ya guess?!”
Shane Sparx ; “I figured you’d have plenty of wet dreams in regards to my match proposition the other day. Champion versus Champion.. Shane Sparx versus James Dathan. It’d be a dream match! But I’ll shut up about it. I’m sure your boxers and mattress are good and soaked by now.”
James Dathan ; “As exciting as that is, not quite. This whole investigation over who has been targeting me lately is really getting to me.”
Shane Sparx ; “Oh. Right. Listen, bro. You can overcome all this shit. You’re one of the only men in that locker room I’ve actually come to respect. I’ve always admired your resilience, and besides… you would never stand me up at a Starbucks…”
James Dathan ; “Wait, what?”
Shane Sparx ; “Eh, nevermind that. The point is… you’re fighting for a damn good cause. You’re gonna have a lot of people gunning after you thinking you’re an easy target because your head isn’t going to be completely in the game. You’re gonna have people take advantage of you and say the worst shit to you to break you down. Just play the weak card and then pounce the moment you get those assholes in the ring. You ought to be used to that shit by now. No one really saw the potential in you going into that match with Adrian Specter years ago, and look what happened. You won the World Title, man!”
James Dathan ; “You’re right man… You’re absolutely right.”
Shane Sparx ; “I’m always right! Unfortunately for you that means I’m going to be right about kicking your ass in our champion versus champion match. Nothin’ but love though, broski.”
James Dathan ; “Bitch, please! Hah. But no, really.. Thanks for being there. And if you can think of any other suspects…..”
Shane Sparx ; “I know, I know. I’ll tell you, man!”
Shane slides his phone back into his jean pocket as Jarek Whitaker finally arrives - sporting a huge leather jacket and some… Pikachu pajama pants? What the…
Shane Sparx ; “Dude, you really left the hotel room looking like THAT this morning?!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Damn, man. Can I not even get a ‘good morning’?!”
Shane Sparx ; “No. Simply because it is NOT a good morning, ya jackwhore. I’ve been waiting for you and dodging that fucking beach whale over there.. Ya see the one with the mocha syrup running down her chin?!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Mmm. That looks good. Think she’ll let me go lick it off?!”
Shane Sparx ; “You JUST got rid of your most recent case of herpes, bro. Do you REALLY think that’s a good idea?!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “I like the tingle. It makes me feel.. alive. Besides.. Our internship for the week here in Wisconsin involves something… chocolate flavored…”
Shane Sparx ; “Oh shit! Chocolate lube?! That’s pretty good. Especially when the bush is well kept!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Uhhh, not exactly. You were closer when you said ‘Oh shit!’”
Shane Sparx ; “Jarek… please, NO!”
Oh Christ. What had this crazy moron gotten us into now?!
Shane Sparx ; “Unless it involves taking that hand-me-down leather jacket you’ve got on and defecating on it, you’ve got me worried.”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Calm down, calm down. After I picked up our next assignment I saw this pimp leather jacket and I had to have it. I’ll probably show it off on my next YouTube video.”
Shane Sparx ; “Your fashion sense is all kinds of wrong, but I digress. What’s the assignment this week, and why are we here at a coffee shop?!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Just in case these bad boys don’t do anything for us…”
Jarek pulls open his leather jacket and reveals packets upon packets of what appears to be a generic brand of laxatives.
Jarek Whitaker ; “We’re supposed to be shooting a commercial for these. And I figured the best way would be to try the product for ourselves first. And if these don’t work out, we have coffee on standby to coax our fudge dragons along!”
Shane Sparx ; “Jare... You’re stupid, yet brilliant at the same time. I’m not touching those laxatives with a ten foot pole, because I have the X-Core title to defend tomorrow night and I’d rather not have the shits WHILE defending my title against the biggest piece of it! However, a commercial for laxatives? The same week that I’m fighting Al Envy?! Ya can’t get any better than that! The guy is known for his potty humor, his homophobic slurs and more recently? Sucking complete ASS as the owner of New Edge Wrestling…”
Jarek Whitaker ; “I know that using your opponents’ weaknesses and shticks are a recurring theme for you, Shane, but.. Brace yourself!”
Shane Sparx ; “...For?”
Jarek Whitaker ; “I heard that Al Envy visited a Waffle House and that the camera crew was following him..”
Shane Sparx ; “Oh shit! Someone finally ballsy enough to fight my fire with fire?! What did he do? Did he turn my visit to Waffle House three weeks ago around on me?! Let me guess! Did he call me a sloppy, gross queer for enjoying gravy on my hashbrowns?!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Nah. He went there to see if they wanted to sponsor the promotion.”
Shane Sparx ; “Hm. Okay. Interesting.”
Awkward silence.
Shane Sparx ; “So basically by shooting this commercial and tying it in to my match at Ascension against Envy, I’m going to look like a huge bully. Greaaaaaat...”
Jarek Whitaker ; “You already look like one. Compare what you’ve achieved to what he’s TRIED to achieve since the return of New Edge. When you look at it like that, this match shouldn’t even be happening in the first place.”
Shane Sparx ; “You’re right, man. I’ve been doing nothing but dominating and focusing on my once again flourishing career. And he’s just been a hater on the sidelines trying to stop me in my tracks. First, he stripped me of the Youngblood title and called me an unprofessional disgrace for stealing it from a showcase backstage: mainly because he doesn’t understand the art of good humor. Then he tried to chalk up my win against Blair Buchannan to a distraction from Anicka Swan. That’s fairly easy to do, and I knew that he of all people would go there. That’s just another example of Al Envy underestimating Shane Sparx. Something that he does to the entire roster, not just myself, best.”
Still partially listening to Shane, Jarek gets up to order a few coffee beverages.
“He loves to throw around the fact that I’m not a true Blackout champion, and that I’m not fit to lead the X-Core division. He loves to discredit my career as if NOTHING I did seven years ago ever mattered. But I sort’ve get it. Envy and I were never in the same cliques, nor did we ever cross paths. In fact, Envy and I never got the chance to wrestle one another back then, so I could see how he possibly missed the fact that I, like himself, am a hall of famer. I could see how he totally missed the fact that I represented this place twice as World Champion.. While he was off playing the role of lackey in MANY stables.”
“And ultimately, what do you get when the lackey of a group says ‘Oh hey. I’m going to acquire an established wrestling promotion and completely flip the script on Jesse Styles’ and start a takeover? You get a product just as bland as he was back then. Because there’s been no growth whatsoever in Envy ; no valid cockiness, no true aggression, no intimidation factor surrounding him. It all plays out like some long joke with absolutely no punch line in sight. I mean, your way of proving a point to me that I don’t deserve the X-Core title is to throw YOURSELF, a person who hasn’t contributed anything but this forced attempt to lead, corrupt and destroy, into a title match? And then you and Johnny are going to prove a point to Molly Mayhem, of all people, by beating and firing her?! Please sit the fuck down. You’re pathetic, kid. The both of you are, actually.”
”If THAT is the best you’ve got, you don’t even know the meaning of the word ‘defiance’.”
“And it’ll be no surprise when this match goes down JUST LIKE your match with Dane Preston two weeks ago. Ya know… the week I won the belt that I don’t deserve? The week you, the owner of New Edge Wrestling and self-proclaimed seasoned veteran, lost to a new face here in New Edge. Remember that? Except… after I beat you and you attack me after the loss like a pussy, I’m only going to attack back ten times harder. Bet on that. I’m going to shut you down with ease.”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Ya know.. I just thought of an amazing idea for this commercial.”, he says as he sits two VERY FAMILIAR looking beverages down on the table.
Shane Sparx ; “Wh...wh..what is this?!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “The nice lady over there recommended these! She still has that line of syrup dripping down her chin.. And onto her shirt. I just couldn’t resist!”
Shane Sparx ; “Thanks, numb nuts…”
Shane looks over at the aforementioned lady from earlier and the two once again make eye contact. The lady winks with an ‘eat shit’ smirk and a sarcastic wave of the fingers. Shane quickly breaks eye contact and looks to Jarek, who is ALREADY halfway into his drink.. Two open packs of the laxatives laying on the table.
Shane Sparx ; “I honestly think I should be put in charge of that commercial idea. ‘Cuz there’s no telling what the fuck is about to come out of your mouth, bro..”
Jarek Whitaker ; “No, no.. hear me out. I say we reenact Two Girls, 1 Cup!”
Shane Sparx ; “........Looooooook. I know the Sons of Chaos pinned me down and forced Blair Buchannan shit on my face and partially in my mouth years and years ago and I was a good sport about it, but you know how I feel about that, present day! I’m not a fan of feces, and I’m not a fan of kissing fat guidos with Popeye face. Sorry, not sorry, hoss!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “No, ya boner! I was thinking maybe we could get a couple of chicks to take these laxatives and reenact it for us…”
Shane Sparx ; “There is NO ONE in their right mind who would do that for us! I feel like we would owe them an entire year’s worth of paychecks from New Edge and apologies to all their friends and families…”
Shane reluctantly takes a sip of the frozen coffee beverage, and immediately regrets it.
Shane Sparx ; “Jesus Christ.. This is about as hard to digest as a complete gutterslut like Blair Buchannan getting married!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Dude, it’s delicious. We’ll be shittin’ in no time!”
Shane Sparx ; “You’re a special case, Jare. And what’s this ‘we’ you speak of?! I refuse to take those. Especially when they’re hanging in a leather jacket like you’re some kind of stolen watch peddler.”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Oh, shit, fam!”
As soon as Jarek finishes up his beverage, his brain freeze and prairie dog game are on point. Shane just sits there and laughs.
Shane Sparx ; “It’s a good thing that I can fight Envy on my own because you’re gonna be no help to me tomorrow night..”
As Jarek makes a beeline for the bathroom, Shane just shakes his head and takes another sip of the coffee beverage out of boredom. As he does this, he glances back over at the beach whale and notices that she’s smirking and looking down at her Apple watch and then back over at Shane.
Shane Sparx ; “What a psycho bitch”, he mumbles under his breath before taking more sips and pulling his phone back out from his pocket.
Shane notices a few texts from his mom, a bathroom selfie of Jarek sent just ten seconds ago, and… a new Facebook notification.
Shane Sparx ; “Violetta… Pierrman.. Is requesting to be your fr….”
Suddenly, something comes over Shane as he quickly slides his phone back into his jean pocket.
Shane Sparx ; “OH SHIT!”
Before Shane gets up, he looks back at the TWO empty packets of laxatives that he noticed earlier ; this time more intently. He glances back over at the lady who is laughing hysterically now. He recalls Jarek stepping out of his view as he was going on about Envy earlier. Jarek must have walked over to her and she must have snuck one of those packs into Shane’s coffee! She gets up and flees the scene as Shane charges straight through the locked door of the bathroom like it’s nothing.
Jarek Whitaker ; “BRO! IT’S A ONE PERSON BATHROOM!”
Shane Sparx ; “I don’t even care! Make room!”
The scene fades to black with the sounds of farting and water plopping.
---
Later that night, Jarek and Shane would continue to hold the Starbucks bathroom hostage. The employees just wanted them to leave so that they could too at this point, as the store was now closed.
Jarek Whitaker ; “What do ya think? Should we call this guy?”
Shane Sparx ; “Just explain what YOU did.”
Jarek dials the number of the men who gave them this assignment, as a sweaty dehydrated Shane Sparx looks back down at his phone, still puzzled by his friend latest friend request. He takes a deep breath before hitting ‘Accept’.
Jared Whitaker ; “I know, sir, but… this literally turned into a shitty situation, real quick! Give us until tomorrow to figure out this commercial for you guys!”
Boss: “YOU’RE FIRED.”
Well, looks like we were back to counting on those wrestling checks! And hopefully they’d be a lot more plentiful once I end Al Envy’s career and get Jesse Styles his job back!