Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2019 1:57:15 GMT -6
....starring in….
”Mama Said Knock You Out!”
Right away, we’re treated to a quick flashback from this past week at Ignite.. With a Saved by the Bell-esque orange border. Because y’know.. We’re all fancy n’ shit.
The flashback begins with Shane Sparx and Jarek Whitaker dressed in their street clothes. They’re on their way to exit the arena for the night as another episode of Ignite has officially wrapped. The last thing Shane does is drapes his X-Core Championship around his left shoulder before flipping the light switch of his locker room to the ‘off’ position and closing the door behind him.
Shane Sparx ; “Another night in the books, Jare! And I’ve still got my title and my dignity! I’d say it was a successful night.”
The two start walking down the hallway, as Jarek sort’ve nods at Shane, otherwise hardly acknowledging him. The two briefly bump into Jill Matthews, former pornstar and lead commentator for New Edge. After casually eye-fucking the reigning X-Core Champion as they approach one another, Jill stops and compliments team Guilty Pleasure, despite their disqualification loss against James Wolf and Brandon Moore.
Jill Matthews ; “Good match out there tonight, boys. You destroyed our commentary table, but…. It’s all good I suppose.. heh.”
As those last few words slip off of her tongue, she has completely locked eyes with Shane and has the biggest smile upon her face.
Shane Sparx ; “Yeah, perhaps we got a little carried away. But you know me. Always wanting to put on a show, and push the envelope. And it felt great driving those two dicksnorts through that commentary table with the force of my sexy body!”
Jillian’s eyes shift downward on Shane before quickly making eye contact with him again, not wanting to completely give herself away. Meanwhile, Jarek breaks his silence.
Jarek Whitaker ; “Shane, bro. I’m sorry that I cost us the match.”
Shane Sparx ; “Nonsense, man. You did the damn thing. I don’t care that we technically lost. We wound up inflicting the most damage on our opponents.”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Are you sure you’re not mad at me, dawg? I legit feel guilty.”
Shane Sparx ; “Yeah, man…”
Jarek Whitaker ; “The adrenaline got to me! I was super hyped to be back in action, man!”
Shane Sparx ; “I get that, man. I was the same way when I first came back…”
Jarek Whitaker ; “...And I really wanted to kick some ass! Make us both look good!”
Shane Sparx ; “Right…”
Jarek Whitaker ; “But then..”
Shane Sparx ; “Shutup, homie! All is well between us!”
Jill Matthews ; “Shane... I’m assuming you’ve already heard?”
Shane Sparx ; “Heardddddddd.. what?”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Either of you want a churro?!”
Shane Sparx & Jillian Matthews in unison ; ”SHUT UP!!!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Alright, alright! More for me! Bitches.”
Jill Matthews ; “So.. ANYWAY! ...About who you’re defending your title against next week, in preparation for Cold Front, Shane.”
Shane Sparx ; “Who am I fighting?”
Jill Matthews ; “Brandon.. Fuggin’.. Moore!”
Shane Sparx ; “DAMMIT, JARE! You powerbombed the wrong man through a table!!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Bitch, you JUST said…”
Shane Sparx ; “Naw, naw. You should’ve foreseen this shit happening! And you should’ve weakened Moore for me!”
Jarek shakes his head before hanging it down as Shane redirects his attention to the beautiful Jillian.
Shane Sparx ; “Oh well, I should’ve seen it coming. Me and Brandon Moore have been having a fucking blast kicking each others' asses to the moon and back these past few weeks. I’m sure Jesse Styles saw dollar signs in his eyes. Either that or Johnny Stylez is using his influence and sees this as another opportunity to try taking the X-Core belt off of me. ….While he’s flipping switches and mashing buttons at the control panel like he’s the fucking Wizard of Oz or some shit. And speaking of which, we all thought Defiance didn’t have a brain before?! Congratulations! With Brandon Moore, you still don’t, Johnny. Just another mindless pawn that you can control for the betterment of your takeover. How’s that going by the way? Oh.. I’ll find out for myself next week when I fight the newest member of your group Brandon Moore, you say? Been there, done that, but I’ll GLADLY do it all over again. Anything to bury your group six feet under. Although burning you all alive and scattering your ashes over a steaming pile of dog shit sounds more fitting, but.. Maybe that’s a little too morbid, eh?
By this time, Shane has directed his attention towards the camera. He looks back at Jill Matthews and smiles innocently.
Shane Sparx ; “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to cut a whole promo here. I know you’ve got places to go, things to see, guys to fuck probably.”
At this point, Shane is just testing Jill. She doesn’t catch the last part of what he said, as expected, as she’s still in a deep trance. Shane lifts the X-Core title up from around his shoulder and playfully bucks at her with it, as if he’s going to smack her. She snaps out of her trance and smiles.
Shane Sparx ; “Well, eh. We better get going. Thanks for the info, Jill.”
Jill Matthews ; “Anytime, boys!”
The two parties part ways as Jarek waits until the coast is clear to declare…
Jarek Whitaker ; “Bro, she TOTALLY wants me!”
Shane Sparx ; “There’s the delusional Jare I know, bro!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Again, man. I’m sorry.”
Shane Sparx ; “Dude, for the last fucking time! We straight up killed those two tonight! And even though you failed to destroy the wrong guy… kidding!... Brandon got his ass whooped just as much as I did tonight. So I’d say we’re on a pretty level playing field going into next week. So no worries, hombre! Just don’t fuck up again!”
Shane laughs, as by this point Jarek has just resorted to flipping him off and walking about a foot distance in front of him as the two leave the arena for the night.
This marks the end of the Saved by the Bell-esque flashback. Sorry there were no sappy, sentimental moments at the end to teach you life lessons that everyone knows already. Maybe after a few drinks in Vegas! Yes, Vegas! The destination of New Edge Wrestling’s seventh Ignite show since its’ triumphant return!
Knock, knock!
Knock, Knock!
Knock, Knock!
”Ma?!”
KNOCK, KNOCK!
”Coming!”, we hear faintly.
It’s Thursday, September 5th. And due to the scheduling of New Edge Wrestling, Shane Sparx is back in his hometown of Las Vegas, Nevada… visiting with his mom briefly before hitting the casino with Jarek Whitaker later in the day. As the door swings inward, Shane’s mom is seen raising only one eyebrow so well you’d SWEAR she was a Rock mark. Unfortunately for Shane, his mom doesn’t recognize him through all the cuts, bruises and blemishes on his face and arms, compliments of - you guessed it - Brandon fuggin' Moore.
Mother Sparx ; “WHO THE HELL are you?!”
His mom grabs a baseball bat, one that she obviously keeps right beside the front door in case of emergencies like… this?
Shane Sparx ; “Ma! It’s me! Shane! PLEASE. Not ANOTHER fucking baseball bat to the dome!”
Mother Sparx ; “Ummmmm… what the FUCK happened to you, son?! You and Jarek told me you were getting back into professional wrestling. You didn’t tell me you two had become stunt doubles for the Passion of the Christ reboot!”
Shane’s mom yanks his hands forward and studies them.
Mother Sparx ; “Hallelujah! No nail wounds yet!”
Shane Sparx ; “Ma, you silly woman! Me and Jarek DID return to wrestling! And we…..”
Mother Sparx ; “Oh GOD! Don’t tell me! You guys started dealing drugs and you came across the WRONG people?!”
Shane Sparx ; “Naw… all the right people! I ain’t ever been this high in my entire life!”
Shane’s mom is about to slam the door square in his face until he catches it with his foot just in time.
Shane Sparx ; “Ma! I’m joking! As I was saying, Jarek and I got back into wrestling and things have changed quite a bit since the last time we did this! The landscape has changed drastically. Everyone is on this ‘x-core’ kick. Everyone wants to beat each other’s heads off. Everyone wants to end each other’s careers. Anything it takes to hold… this! The X-Core Title!”
Mother Sparx ; “Well, I’m used to you holding Championship gold, Shane. But I’m not used to you coming home looking like THAT! Surely you forged my signature on a permission slip of some sort! I didn’t sign you up for this sadistic field trip from hell!”
Shane Sparx ; “All is well, ma. I know I look as if I’ve been getting my ass kicked on the regular, but believe me, I’ve been dishin’ the ass whoopins out just as bad! Actually, you remember Brandon Moore?”
Mother Sparx ; “Do I? Of course. Fade 2 Black days. Is he all clean and sobered up now?! He’s not the one solely responsible for doing this to you, is he?!”
Shane Sparx ; “Shit.. his motto is ‘Fucked for Life’. What do YOU think?! And yes, we’ve had quite a few fisticuffs in the backstage area in recent weeks. In the merch booths. The concession stands. The conference room. Ringside. You name it. ”
Mother Sparx ; “Oh Dear Lord! I remember praying for that man night after fuckin’ night. And praying for you never to follow in his footsteps.”
Shane Sparx ; “Well, you’ll be disappointed to know that he’s only further sold his soul to the devil. He joined the ranks of “LA” Johnny Stylez. Good luck ever sobering it up with Mr. 4:19! But I’ll tell ya what, ma. I’m sure I’ve done some shit you wouldn’t necessarily be proud of me for. I’m learning from my actions, and I’m gaining serious momentum. Day by day, I’m perfecting my craft and I may sound cocky right now but even in the year of 2019, I don’t think ANY of these cock dockers have seen me in my prime just yet! I’m sure you’ll see me with many more scars, with coinciding stories to tell for each. Just be aware that I’ve adapted, and am still adapting beautifully to this progressive way of combat. Be aware that I plan on holding onto this title the longest anyone ever has - maybe even surpassing Hazard’s old run. So I might not always come out lookin' like a pretty mama's boy. But lastly, just be aware... that me and Jare are going to be alright. ”
Mother Sparx ; “Alright. I’ve got faith in you two, son. Just continue making wise decisions and do me a favor.. Knock that drug fiend the FUCK out!”
Shane Sparx ; “Thanks, ma. I plan on it!”
The two hug it out.
Shane Sparx ; “Y’know.. I just noticed. Ya never even fucking invited me in, ma. That’s just cold blooded!”
Mother Sparx ; “I don’t need any of those facial scabs or arm blisters you’ve got goin’ on.. Ripping and popping on my brand new carpets! Plus, my soap operas are about to start! I been meaning to cut this short for the past ten minutes now.”
Shane Sparx ; “But.. I’ve only been standing at your door for about ten minutes!”
Mother Sparx ; “I know! Love ya!”
Shane Sparx ; “Oh, you’re fuckin’ wrong for that! Hah! Love ya too!”
Several hours have now passed, as Shane sits idly at a slot machine aptly named The Inferno inside of the Circus, Circus hotel and casino. Six empty glasses sit on the small table beside his machine, as he waves the cocktail waitress down.
Cocktail Waitress ; “Another, sweetheart?”
Shane Sparx ; “Keep ‘em comin’, sugartits.”
The cocktail waitress smiles and nods, as if she’s called ‘sugartits’ on the regular. She walks away as Shane inserts a ten dollar bill into the slot machine and begins to bet while talking aloud.
Shane Sparx ; “Man, where to start with Mr. Brandon Moore?! Dude’s a piece of work, what can I say. He’s mind blowingly talented and has a very creative mind. The latter can be rather daunting when you’re finding out you’re going to be competing against him. Especially when that creativity works so well in hardcore wrestling. The guy can pull things out of his arsenal that you’ve never seen before. He will take risks, he will use ANYTHING he can find, he will size you up and laugh in your face even while down, and he’ll even roll and smoke J’s while he’s doing such. Mentally? He’s a little off his fuckin' rocker ; a little coocoo for cocoa puffs. But most artists are, I imagine. And that’s what I consider Brandon Moore to be. An artist. To an extent, I’d even go as far as to say that people have crafted their careers off of his creativity ; hoping that they can one day surpass his genius.
Imitation is the highest form of flattery, right?
Hmmm. I’m not quite sure about that. You see, I can run down Brandon Moore’s accolades in other wrestling promotions for days. It’d bore you to fuckin’ tears. That’s how long they are. Although..
No one’s is as big as mine… giggity!”
By this time, the waitress has brought Shane his seventh drink of the night. He chugs it and sits it to the side with the others.
”A little light-hearted dick measuring aside, I digress. I could give Brandon Moore all these props and I can tell you he’s this amazing competitor, but instead, I decided to take it a step further. I decided to practically give him this platform. I had a run-in with him two weeks ago and gave him that look like "let's go fuckin' crazy!" We beat the fucking hell out of eachother. We tore the roof off of the place and we stole the fuckin’ show. Last week, in the tag match, he once again brought his fuckin’ A game and once again we continued our sibling-like rivalry by beating the t-total-shit out of one another. You saw earlier my mom doesn’t even fucking recognize me anymore!
But when she saw the gold around my shoulder, she had a hunch!
Brandon Moore, in the short amount of time he has been here, has already admitted to wanting my title. He’s told me several times backstage that the next time he kicks my ass he wants it to be for my gold. We’ll go back and forth about how one night we might even headline a pay-per-view with the X-Core Championship match being THE focus of the card: the match that drives fans to TicketMaster to buy those tickets up! But.. things didn’t quite go the way I had intended. Because now the friendship, in my mind, is at a complete standstill. And any plans we had of building up to this marquee match have been fuckin’ ruined. And why?! Because this innovative, talented, creative motherfucker…
SOLD THE PhUcK OUT!”
Alright.. That last Jack and Coke got my ass.. It’s time to GET SERIOUS.
Alright.. That last Jack and Coke got my ass.. It’s time to GET SERIOUS.
...So you mean to tell me that the guy I went out of my way to reintroduce to the world had essentially turned on me by siding with the fuckin’ enemy?! Hah! Just goes to show you…
Weak people follow bad leaders.
In fact, B-Moore must’ve checked Trump’s name on the ballot. An act of being WAY fucked up. To be honest, I’m hoping that was the case here. Because as of right now, ANYONE’S decision to side with Johnny Stylez is pretty mind-boggling when ya think about it. Why would a potentially dominant force of nature like B-Moore side with such a laughable clusterfuck of a stable?! It takes 4 pair of hands just to wipe one member’s ass in that group, and 5 pair to secure a victory over one person. I mean, I know the saying that there’s strength in numbers but..
Charmin toilet paper can only be SO strong, right?!
I guess this opens up a door for opportunities for Brandon, at least in theory. Not only does the emo motherfucker have a hoard of jobbers on his side to help him reapply guyliner to his eyes and provide a lighter every time he knocks an opponent down and wants a quick puff. But with Johnny on his side, he pretty much gets to assert himself in any fashion, hence his beat down on Al Envy. Which, not going to lie, did warm my heart to see, in a fucked up way. But this main event match for the X-Core title that is now happening incredibly prematurely, is a direct result of him joining Defiance. And all I can think of is..
I’ve created a PhUcKiNg monster, bro!
Brandon Moore made it clear with his actions last week that he’s not going to earn his stripes the way he could ; the way we all know he could. He became a royal coward and bit the pillow hard for Johnny and company, allowing them to run a train as the master phuckmook whispered sweet nothings into his ear.”
”Oh you’re gonna go far, sweet pea!”
”Daddy will make ya the next big thing in no time!”
”HeRe CuMs ThE gO-gUrT sAuCe~!~! SoAk It Up~!~!”
”So in retrospect, why the fuck did I bother hyping him up so much? Did I believe, all this time, that the guy had made a drastic change and that we would be amazing business partners? Or was this just a test to see if that same asshole he eventually became years ago would resurface? I know most of you dick bandits wouldn’t believe me if I told you it was the latter, so I’m going to leave you pondering on that one."
But luckily for me, this monster I practically created? This problem I indirectly, or maybe even directly caused? I know how to tame it, resolve it, and completely destroy it. Months from now, ya won't even remember Brandon Moore!
'What really grinds Brandon’s fucking gears?', you may ask. Shane, you just went on about how he’s so innovative and he’s this sight to behold in the ring, and now you’re telling us he has a weakness? Damn straight! All ya gotta do is beat him at his own fucking game, as cliche’ as that sounds. That doesn’t require me to sell out.”
Shane takes a second to smirk at the camera and shake his head before sharing what’s on his mind.
And that doesn’t require me to make a complete jackass out of myself like B-Moore did by stealing mannequins from Macy’s while the college-bound sales associates are getting busy with one another in the fitting rooms. ...And then doing fucking arts and crafts projects to make replicas of title belts just so he can take a baseball bat to them?!
You’ll fit right in with Defiance, Brandon. Prey on defenseless people, specifically when they’re not looking, or at their most vulnerable.. Or a fucking inanimate object. That works too...
Looney can get ya pretty far. Lord knows I’ve crafted a career out of it. But I’m going to somewhat discredit both of us here by saying ANYONE can be looney. What everyone CAN’T do is get on Brandon Moore’s level of creativity and really sock it to ‘em. For every random plate of glass he throws at me, I’m going to have a barbed wire dildo waiting in the wings for that ass! For every steal chair he has to clobber me with, more than likely when I’m not looking in true Defiance fashion, I’ll have a nail gun on standby. If people didn’t think I could get hardcore before? Check me out on Ignite.
Because this will DAMN SURE BE a successful title defense for yours truly.
And I don’t give a rat’s ass if Johnny Stylez DOES go crazy with power and ban everyone BUT Defiance from ringside. Me walking out of my hometown with my X-Core strap IS going to happen. And when it does, it’s going to make you fools look weaker than before. Three men, and a hoodrat bitch watching as I total their brand new show piece: Brandon Moore?! And they couldn’t even see to it that I lost the title?! Yeah, Johnny, ya might want to re-think that strategy because up to this point, none of your plans to take me out have worked YET! First there was Al Envy. Squash match and a complete waste of my time and energy. Now Brandon Moore. As bittersweet as it'll be now, that one will be an even bigger squash. Then Blair Buchannan in a rematch at Cold Front. I'll easily beat her all over again! What’s gonna happen then, Johnny?! Will you finally just learn your lesson and close up shop or will you just replace them with two other fuckwads that fail to get the job done?!
Brandon, if I were you, I’d feel all the pressure in the world right now!
AND it’s only your second match back, your first alone?! And I say ‘alone’ very loosely, given the aforementioned situation. Man, that must be a lot of pressure. Not only is this THE prime time to make Defiance look good, as that task literally rests on your shoulders by way of this match ; but you’ve also gotta show what you’re made of against a formidable ally that you’ve just wronged. You’ve got to pay the consequences against someone who KNOWS how to beat you ; against someone who is the closest to predicting your every fucking move. You’re going to wind up crumbling under pressure, friend, and all this shit you’ve had to say in your time here is going to sound as played out and worthless as the words of your own mentor, Damon Riggs.
And although I just dissed him there, I’m sure he’s rolling over in his grave knowing that you called him out the way you did, for helping you along in your career even before you and I met.
(Oh, Riggs isn’t dead yet?! But isn’t he pushing 80 these days? No? Okay, my bad then..)
(Oh, Riggs isn’t dead yet?! But isn’t he pushing 80 these days? No? Okay, my bad then..)
Why will your words be worthless? Well, maybe because you’re representing the biggest genital wart of a stable in professional wrestling, but I digress. Because your words are going to easily be invalidated when I call your bluff in that ring here in Las Vegas. You won’t even have a moment to ponder over what you’ve gotten yourself into. When you step through the ropes, it’ll be all she fuckin’ wrote…
MURDER.
Then we’ll see who needs a eulogy, motherfucker.”
Then we’ll see who needs a eulogy, motherfucker.”
Cocktail Waitress ; “Here.. I just… went ahead and brought you another!”
Shane slips a 20 dollar bill onto the waitress’ tray as she walks off with a smile. Not even a minute passes and we see Jarek Whitaker joining him. The two dap before Jarek has a seat beside Shane, a suspicious paper bag in hand.
Shane Sparx ; “Sup, Jare? What’s in the bag?”
Jarek Whitaker ; “I brought a little somethin’ that’s going to help us enjoy this night even more!”
Shane Sparx ; “You know I don’t condone those Bill Cosby pills, man. If I want a woman in my bed, I can have her just moments after my initial approach!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Naw, dude. Nothing like that! I got some chocolate chip cookies! In honor of tomorrow’s internship assignment here in Vegas!”
Jarek pulls a wadded up piece of notebook paper with an indistinguishable name and number from his jean pocket and hands it to Shane.
Jarek Whitaker ; “We’re gonna be wrapping and packing chocolates on an assembly line! You remember that episode of I Love Lucy, bruh?! I figured it’d be fun to stuff our faces with chocolate and get paid to do it! That’s the dude’s contact number right there!”
Shane Sparx ; “Firstly, I’m pretty sure that’s NOT how that shit actually works. And secondly…”
Shane rips up the guy’s contact information and throws the shredded up pieces of paper onto a tray that a nearby cocktail waitress is holding.
Shane Sparx ; “We’re taking the week off from this intern shit! Not that things in New Edge have gotten any better just yet, but we’re at the casino, Jare! We could easily double our money! Fuck an $8 dollar an hour assembly line job at a chocolate factory!”
Shane snatches the bag of chocolate chip cookies from Jarek’s grasp. Jarek breaks one in half and offers the other half to Shane. Shane just looks at Jarek in a comedic fashion and reaches for a whole cookie, and eats it in no time. Jarek shrugs his shoulders, as if to say “oh, what the hell”, as he inserts the other half of his cookie into his mouth. As the two finish eating their cookies, Jarek lays the paper bag on the table in the middle of the two slot machines. Facing upward on top of the bag is a prescription label.
Aaaaaaaaaand we’re back! Que the orange border and strike up the porn band, because it’s about to get h0t in here!
There lies Shane, slap in the middle of a California king bed wearing nothing but some Hanes boxer shorts. He rubs his forehead with both hands, alluding to a possible headache.
Shane Sparx ; “...The hell is this?!”
An attractive woman comes sashaying onto the scene with some skimpy lingerie on. She model walks straight toward the bed, a tall flute of champagne in each hand.
Violetta ; “There’s my handsome boy!”
Shane Sparx ; “Violetta?! What’s going on?! What are we doing here?!”
Violetta ; “I know you’ve been looking for me, baby. And to no avail. I’ve been ducking and dodging you, not really sure if any of this was really meant to be. But I came to the conclusion that.. I truly want you back. I miss you. I miss everything about you. I’m sorry that Blair Buchannan ever came in between us…”
Shane Sparx ; “I… can’t believe what I’m hearing right now.”
Violetta ; “Shane, at the time. I thought leaving you was the only way to keep my modeling career…”
Shane Sparx ; “Damn. I don’t know what to think right now. This is all too much…”
Violetta ; “Shhhh.”
She slides her index finger over the lips of Shane.
Violetta ; “It’s our first night back.. Reunited. Let’s just enjoy it.
Violetta sits the champagne flutes on the nightstand, gripping the crotch of Shane’s boxers with her left hand as she leans down and lightly kisses Shane on the lips. Shane, hesitant at first, casts all doubt aside the moment he begins throbbing in Violetta’s grasp. He pushes his lips upward to meet hers, gripping gently at her hair as the two tilt their heads in opposite directions, their tongues swirling around one another’s before Violetta grips Shane’s manhood tighter. Violetta pulls away from the kiss, trying hard to catch her breath.
Violetta ; “Baby, remember when I told you I miss everything about you?”
Violetta repositions herself, as she straddles Shane, teasing him as she girates on top of his swollen member. She leans down to kiss Shane’s neck, leaning further to kiss his pecs, and then crawling down along Shane’s body as she kisses his abs. As her ass floods the camera lens, Violetta yanks little Shane out through his flannel-patterned Hanes boxers. We see her head diving deep, as the toes of Shane curl as he lets out a heavy gasp.
Shane Sparx ; “Holy….. fuck.”
We see Violetta’s head bobbing slowly, up and down. Shane grips Violetta’s hair into a ponytail as the moans progress.
Shane Sparx ; “I forgot how amazing your mouth felt..”
Slurping sounds are amplified as Shane starts gasping and moaning more frequently, toes curling and legs shaking in pure pleasure.
Shane Sparx ; “I’m close.”
Violetta ; “I really… really… really want to make you…”
Jarek Whitaker ; “SHANE!!!
Dammit, Jarek! Way to cockblock! I guess this signals the end of Shane’s (wet) daydream.
Shane Sparx ; “DUDE. You have the absolute WORST timing ever!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “You were in a fucking daze, homie!”
Shane Sparx ; “I was in more than that! I…. Wait! What am I doing, man?! I’m a fuck up! Why won’t I give Violetta the time of day?! We were meant to be together. ….Right?! Tell me I’m right!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “That BITCH?!”
Jarek starts laughing hysterically as he shovels another cookie into his mouth. Shane hesitantly laughs with Jarek, and then just seconds later, something REALLY begins to tickle his funny bone.
Shane Sparx ; “Holy fuck, I’m feelin’ good right about now!”
Jarek Whitaker ; “I told you I had something that would make our night more enjoyable, Shane! These aren’t your typical cookies. I found a dispensary while you were visiting with your mom! We’re both high as balls!”
Shane Sparx ; “.....And drunk! You better catch up!"
YOOOO, WAITRESS!!!!!
Jarek Whitaker ; “It’s all good, man. I’m actually gonna go hit up Vince Neil’s restaurant. They’ve got karaoke.. And with two weed cookies in my system? I bet everyone is going to sound God-tier! Like some American Idol finalists or some shit! You coming, Shane?”
Shane Sparx ; “Nah. I’m gonna stay here. I figure there’s no time like the present to go all or nothin’ with this machine.”
Jarek Whitaker ; “Hah! You sure you wanna do that, homie?!”
Shane takes a deep breath and nods as Jarek stands to his feet and immediately starts laughing and bumping into shit as he makes his way toward the restaurant. He falls several times, even bumping into a cocktail waitress that causes a Steve Urkle-like domino effect throughout the casino of people getting drenched in alcohol and people being slammed into other slot machines and poker tables. Shane just sits there, ten dollar bills strewn about in front of him as he’s minding his own business, chugging yet another Jack and Coke as he’s in his own little world.
Cue that orange border and some loud ‘cha chings’ courtesy of the slot machine! This virgin of ganja is having another daydream!
”Damn, Jare. Ya lost faith in me that quick?! ‘Are you sure you wanna do that while under the influence, Shane? Throw all your money into a slot machine?’ Naw, I’m teasin’. I know the big guy meant no wrong. But there’s certain assholes that seem to forget that anything I touch turns to gold.
When the fuck will they ever learn?!
They’re foolin’ themselves with all the cracks about me being a clown. Focus on my fucking in-ring capabilities.. Like the fact that I haven’t been pinned since returning to New Edge Wrestling!
They’re foolin’ themselves with all the cracks about me being a clown. Focus on my fucking in-ring capabilities.. Like the fact that I haven’t been pinned since returning to New Edge Wrestling!
The X-Core division for instance. Dr. Sues, or.. As he likes us to call him formally, Brandon Moore, can’t get over the fact that I’m the one currently representing the division. He made that known last week and I’m sure he’s flapping those dick sucking lips about it this week. Just as Blair Buchannan and James Wolf did in the past. And I’m sure there’s many other people backstage that don’t think I should be holding this title. But at the end of the day..
WHO REALLY GIVES A SHIT WHAT ANY OF YOU THINK?!
Just SHUT THE FUCK UP already and beat me for it!
Just SHUT THE FUCK UP already and beat me for it!
We constantly hear the sounds of coins dropping and clashing with one another - a sign that Shane is kicking ass on the slot machine.
‘Oh Shane doesn’t even know how to be hardcore.’ You sure about that?! Think about the last time your girlfriend had a crippling stomach ache and ponder over the fact that I probably fucked her DEEP and senseless while you were out working your little 9 to 5 at the time. My kids were just swimmin’ all up in that bitch. Sorry it couldn’t be you though, Blair. I know you’re secretly already dying to get away from Johnny and his micropenis.
’Oh Shane, you’re not defending your title like you should be! That’s another common misconception all these peons have had about me. Like I book the fuckin’ matches. I’d be MORE THAN WILLING to defend this shit every week. All those people who have shit to say about me not being hardcore enough, and all those people discrediting me ONCE AGAIN for being comedically unconventional. I’ll take ANYONE the fuck on, man. I’ll tell ya what, Brandon. After I HUMILIATE you and quickly put an end to your short stint here, maybe you can counter me out of spite.. Maybe in between thrusts of Johnny’s dick and balls down your throat, you can suggest things like..”
”Oh, how about a Gauntlet match?! Shane Sparx vs. the entire group at once?!
”Or nah.. I’ve RANDOMLY got a group of goons, mostly who are women and children, who we could send after him to take his title next!”
”Or nah nah nah… I’ll just let my drug dealer handle this fight for me!”
”You ARE in Defiance now. The group where the guys who are higher on the totem pole expect the peons below to do their dirty work, afterall. You're a fucking pawn to them. A puppet. But you're selling us all on this fantasy that you're going to be revitalizing the x-core division and "saving it from me". That you're going to run wild on everyone. That you're going to be a defending champion and that you're going to continue cutting promos where you're reciting Urban Dictionary's version of The Cat in the Hat. But all joking aside, you and I both know that after Ignite in Vegas, you won’t have the opportunity to do ANY of this. You're likely to be leaving Vegas in a body bag. Because I always fuckin' finish what I started!
My Mama Said Knock You Out, Motherfucker!
But sorry, ma. I’m burning ‘em alive instead!"
Jarek smacks Shane in the face, snapping him out of it.But sorry, ma. I’m burning ‘em alive instead!"
Shane Sparx ; “NOW WHAT?!”
Shane looks down at the slot machine to notice that he had inserted all of his money and lost it ALL.
Jarek Whitaker ; “Dude! Did you really not see me fall?! Security wants us out!”
Shane Sparx ; “Dude. You already cock blocked me earlier! Then you stopped me before I could make some SERIOUS money on these slots?!.. And now you break the news to me that we’re being kicked out?! Man.. I can’t even properly be high around you!”
Shane shakes his head as he paces out with his X-Core title belt wrapped firmly around his waist, WHERE IT WILL CONTINUE TO BE! Meanwhile, Jarek is seen hobbling behind.
"I bet right about now you're wishing you would've never thrown that guy's contact information away, huh?!", Jarek asks with a snobby attitude.
We fade to black.