Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2023 20:57:39 GMT -6
I don’t feel shame..
I don’t have highs, but I’ve got some lows.
My heart broke.
“Somewhere along the way, I just fell apart. Spent so much of this precious time wasted building up a fragile shell. All it took was one blow and down she goes. I have always had trouble seeing what it is that other people are able to see so freely. Is there something wrong with me?”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?”
“Most of the time I just feel so empty, so small. Nothing could bother me at all. But then I look up, into the endless darkness above, and the void fills me to the tippy top with all of the dread of a thousand dead. But, am I strong enough to carry the inescapable burden that comes with? I am so strong, or at least I pretend to be but I was wrong and I should have swung, for the fences and took all of my chances that were still afforded to me. Better left alone than trying and failing again and again and again. One more time and I fall..”
“I fall..”
“Maybe I am just a monster hiding beneath the bed. Maybe I am the maniac with the steel pressed to his head. Squeeze the itch and it’s seven seconds to eternal bliss. They won’t miss me anyway. Who is there left to miss me anyway? My past keeps ringing through my ears like the blast when my finger tensed and sensed the danger. Say goodbye to the bad guy, you never knew him at all.”
“I fall..”
“Wrap me up in insecurities and make me believe in the light again. Turn away and turn it back to the simpler times, blood shed and barbed wire beds. Everblack and World Titles raised above my head. But the way back is shrouded in a haze of betrayal and deceit. My eyes blurred by the visions of mutilating the flesh of those who dared to turn the other cheek. Stupid enough to turn their backs on a freak. Fingers pressed into the eye sockets, their gaze bleeds out before me.”
“Introduce them to my multiverse of suffering.”
“Come one, come all, and be introduced to the approaching march towards the downfall of every last shred of decency left within a man’s suit of flesh. There is a little, teensy, tiny problem though, and I don’t know how to solve it. My heart is being ripped out from my chest viciously but discreet, and I don’t know how to stop it from being taken away from me again. I can’t do it again… I won’t do it again. I am better off dead, with a pitchfork stuck into my head and swept away with the ashen memories of a better day. Please, won’t you just help me to take this away? Come and take away all of the pain that is bleeding my brain dry. It is leaving me feeling just a little bit insane, and honestly… I just don’t want to feel this way anymore.”
Brandon’s gaze turns away from the heavens up above as he returns to the reality around him and opens the sliding glass door from his side patio into the living room to escape the blistering cold from outside. His family was having their weekly “family meeting” and of course they chose to hold it in Brandon’s home. Momma was there, a long with sisters Brittany and Amber. Nieces and nephews were strewn throughout the house with various activities. His little brother Fred was locked away in Brandon’s room, and could be heard cussing into the headset while playing Fortnite. Momma Moore and his older sister Brittany were at the dining room table with two of Brittany’s children, Dexter and Lily, and they were in the midst of a high stakes game of dominoes.
“HAAA! YOU AIN’T SHIT BOY!!” Momma yelled out as she slammed down the killer rack, dropping Dexter from the game.
“Ye old bitch, you cheatin’!” Dexter said with a smirk before quickly ducking the incoming backhand from his mom. “YA GOTTA BE QUICKER THEN THAT MA!”
Brandon continued walking past the ruckus, his head hung in the unending despair that grips at his throat. He had lost it all, a new wife and kids whom he had fallen deeply in love with. Just another victim of circumstance, the unending death march precipitated by his past. Brandon makes his way over to a staircase where he lumps his broken body down on to the bottom step. His head falls to the side against the wall. He was struggling, and with the upcoming return to the wrestling ring, he was growing nervous.
As a recovering addict, he was already always walking on the edge of the world. How he kept himself from going over when the latest in a long line of tragedies struck, he doesn’t know. But perhaps that is why he had decided to return to the only business he had ever truly known.
“Another battle royal..” The words escape his lips as he shakes his head, letting out a sigh.
“Where blood and fire, brings rest, is where you will find me. And I am sick and tired of resting, of waiting. I am sick of being tired and god fucking damnit if I ain’t tired of being sick. I have sat back and watched the entire world be ripped away from my grasp. I was unable to do anything about it in the moment, but rest assured my friends, I have started to catch the drift of the pile of shit being passed around as an offering of thanks.”
A loud shriek is heard from the dining room and within seconds Brandon’s nephew Dexter goes to run past him up the stairs, but Brandon snatches him up and pulls him in close.
“Unhand me you vile goat whore!” Dex exclaims with a playful wile, hitting Brandon in the chest and escaping. He continues on his way up the stairs.
“Forgive the chaos of my life, but this is my arena where peace is the enemy and must be suffocated and extinguished at all costs. I didn’t bother looking to see who my opponents in this battle are, nor does it matter. None of you, none of us, matter in the grand scheme of this existence. We all have roles to play and purpose to carry out, and for the vast majority of you that is to simply be the cannon fodder for the Immortals.”
From around the corner came Brittany with thundering footsteps, a giant mess of cherry pie smashed into the side of her face and head. Brandon paused and looked up at her, a smirk shines through his miserable face.
“Not one word Brandon. Not one word.” And from the look on her face, she meant it.
“It will be body after body being slung up and over that top rope, and body after body hitting the unforgiving floor below. My body just might be one of them, but my presence will be felt regardless. I don’t have a mission here yet. All I know is that I needed to be here. I just.. man.. I can’t do this. I can’t keep holding my head up like this..”
“I can’t do this..”
Brandon stood himself up, and made his way up the stairs and towards his bedroom. His sister and nephew are in the hallway arguing about Dexter’s behavior.
“Hey Brandon will you..” Brittany paused as she saw Brandon’s demeanor, and he just pushes his way past.
Brandon enters into his room and doesn’t bother looking towards Fred who is still going hard on the Fortnite. He enters into his bathroom, the door closing behind him. Brandon locks the door as he drops down and opens the cabinets beneath the sink. He pulls out his trusty fun time bag and tosses it up onto the counter. He is on his knees at the counter, his hands trembling as he unzips the bag.
He pulls a spoon out from the bag and sets it aside, along with a twisted up little bag of powder. His heart is racing, eyes exploding from the inside. Brandon rips open a bag into the spoon, his hands now in a violent shake. He pulls a syringe out from the bag and uncaps it. The sink is turned on and he uses his free hand to catch water and pull some back in the needle. He squirts it into the spoon and fixes it right up.
Brandon now falls back against the wall, and stares at his worst enemy. The longing in his eyes, tears of pain flowing like the river Nile. There was hesitation, was he ready to fall back down into this gutter?
“I can’t do this..”
Cast your stones… they don’t hurt.
I’m here at the stake where I like to burn.