Post by Alan Envy on Jan 26, 2024 17:36:45 GMT -6
Los Angeles, California
A buzzing noise broke NEW Hall of Famer and wrestling legend Alan Envy from a deep slumber. He stirred awake carefully sliding himself from under his fiancee Britney Anders who was fast asleep lying on his chest and he recognized that the buzzing noise was his cell phone he had charging by his side of the bed on the night stand. His arm was caught under the dead weight of Brit as he looked at her.
Alan Envy: Alan needs his arm beautiful. There…the….there ya go.
She groaned as she stayed asleep rolling off his arm. He reaches for his cell as he sees a notification signaling a message from Jesse Styles, soon afterwards another from Johnny. Knowing that it was too damn early and his brain wasn’t fully alert yet to read whatever the hell Johnny wrote him he chose Jesse’s instead and clicked it.
“Hey man. I know it's early but I just found out Kief passed away. Gonna throw together a tribute show and want you to be a part of it since you knew him and shared a locker room with him. TTYL”
Envy sighed. He had heard Kieffy was not doing too well and was having a rough time, especially over the last few days according to his social media posts but this wasn’t expected at all. No one was thinking he was actually going to pass away. But then again, who ran any harder than LA Kief? I mean seriously he had done everything under the son, experienced and experimented with anything he could ingest, and well his sex life was menacing enough right? But sadly it was too much for his heart to contain as Envy looked up the reports announcing his death, a heart attack. Alan was really hoping it was in his sleep and that he wasn’t awake when it happened.
So a pretty damn depressing start to the day right? Envy sat there quietly as the brunette beauty named Britney rose from her slumber and turned towards her Envy. Like any great future wife, she could feel something was wrong.
Britney Anders: Babe?
Envy didn’t really look at her but handed her the phone. She read it and gasped. She looked back at Alan and without saying anything wrapped her arms around him. They sat there for a long time as Envy kind of just stared off into space….
2 weeks later. Parts Unknown, Montana.
It was quite the turnout, LA Kief’s funeral had a few hundred in attendance and thousands outside the parlor that were fans of his all paying their respects, including a few transgender midgets, 400 lb call girls, and many a men with bald heads that looked like Jesse Styles Kief had sexually pleased over the years. All were sobbing, rubbing their butts I guess from the residual pain of spending one night with Kief. Jesse Styles stood next to Envy as they were for the final time looking down at Kief in his casket, adorned with glitter and lace and for some reason a picture of Chuck Norris in a ninja suit, and his queen Taylor Swift. Kief was the biggest swifty in the world ya know.
Alan Envy: Why did someone put a picture of Chuck Norris in a ninja suit with him?
Jesse Styles: Apparently he was holding that when they found him dead in the hotel room. He had that, and a Jesse Styles look alike in a prison suit with him. I’m not too thrilled he found a look alike of me and had him in a prison suit but…
Jesse fumbled with his phone.
Jesse Styles: There card posted. LA Kief Memorial Show A Night of the Ninjas. Pretty creative huh.
Alan Envy: Yeah sure. Who am I facing?
Jesse Styles: Nocturnal….oh wait I mean Alexander Koresh and his Family.
Alan Envy: So I am in a handicap match? Thats fucked up.
Jesse Styles: No… That's his official name now, as in legal. Alexander Koresh and his Family. It's not a handicap match, or at least not booked to be.
Alan Envy looked confused.
Alan Envy: And his Family is his last name? Is Koresh his middle? How does one fill out an application with that name?
As Envy tried figuring out what in the heel that name is Jesse and he heard someone clearing his throat. They immediately looked at Kief’s corpse.
Jesse Styles: Got damn you Kief I knew you were fucking with me again! Get up you jackass!
The clearing of the throat came out louder as finally Envy looked down. There stood a little person, or midget, or dwarf, fuck whats the proper name for them now? He was dressed in a blazer with leather pants and looked like a younger Warwick Davis. Envy decided to honor his deceased friend lying next to him to crack an insensitive joke, honoring the classic line from Leprechaun
Alan Envy: This ol lep he played one…he played pogo on his lung!!
“Like I haven't heard that one before. Mr. Envy, Mr. Styles my name is Lawrence Belks and I am the family attorney for one Los Angeles Kief.:”
Alan Envy: Was his name really Los Angeles?
Lawrence Belks: Hell if I know. But LA doesn’t sound too law-ish. But anyway. We had a reading of Mr. Kief’s will with his family the other day, yet we didn’t cover what was in this letter. Mr. Kief left specific instructions that he wanted this read to you two, and he has left two items for you. He wanted this done immediately after his funeral so please follow me.
The two men followed the bow-legged little person as they passed the cathedral of the funeral home where Johnny Stylez was into hour number 3 of his eulogy not realizing the room had cleared 2 and a half hours prior. They made it into a family room and they all sat down, well Envy and Jesse sat down Lawrence climbed up into the chair.
Lawrence opened up his briefcase that if you stood on its end was as tall as he was and produced a letter of around 3 pages. He cleared his throat.
Lawrence Belks: From the tv tray of LA Kief, Hi guys. I’m dead. I know how hard it is for both of you to accept that and the only regret I have is not saying goodbye, well that and not getting slime sweet ass from Envy, but that does not affect the feelings I had for you Al, you were a great guy and was always fun to be around. Kieffy baby has a lot of respect for you. And Jesse…my Jesse darling…I will miss you most of all.
Jesse rolled his eyes and put his head into his hand. Envy punched his leg.
Alan Envy: Come on dude it's something written by Kief Straighten up.
Lawrence Belks: I will always cherish the time I had with you. All of our passionate nights together, there many mornings we shared breakfast together as we made excuses to tell Scarlet as to why you didn’t come home that night
Jesse Styles: OH MY GOD>>>>>>
Envy snickered but kept his composure.
So I the Kief wanted to leave you two, the love of my life and the man I respected so much, two gifts. First is for you Jesse, my love.
Lawrence reaches into the briefcase and pulls out something that was flesh colored and rubber. Jesse stared at it.
Lawrence: Belks: For you Jesse, is a mold of my booty hole. So you can remember me by and to pleasure yourself with my memory when you get lonely. You can now relive those prison nights we had where our love was established and the first time you creampie….
Jesse Styles: OOOHHHKKAAAYYYY!!!! That's enough! Fucking Kief still fucking with me! Got damn son of a…..
Envy finally lost it.
Alan Envy: Holy shit dude… all that was true?
Jesse Styles: Fuck you too Envy!!
Jesse was about to leave when Lawrence Belks interrupted.
Lawrence Belks: Sir, by law you must accept this gift. If not we will continue to contact you and then release this to the public. And doing so we would need to inform those interested in having it the intention of the item
Jesse Styles: Dammit….
Jesse snatched the thing from Lawrence’s hands. He looked at it then shoved it into his jacket and barrelled out of the room. Mr. Belks finally turned to Alan Envy
Lawrence Belks: And to you Al Envy, my friend and mentor….the man I respected so much in the locker room, especially after seeing you nude in the shower once.
Alan Envy kind of smirked at the comment. He adjusted his tie confidently as Lawrence continued.
I leave you with this. It's vintage.
Lawrence reaches in and produces a vintage bottle of Macallan 30 Year Double Cask Scotch and places it on the table.
Alan Envy: Holy shit…that's like a 5,000 dollar bottle of scotch. What?
Lawrence Belks: Continuing, have a few drinks for ya Kieffy boy Envy. Thank you for being such a friend
Lawrence produced a scotch glass.
Lawrence Belks: He left specific instructions for you to have a toast right here at this moment sir.
Envy reached for the bottle and popped the cork. He took a deep breath enjoying the aroma. He poured a glass and raised it to the air.
Alan Envy: To you Kief my friend. Salute and rest well.
Envy drank the sweet nectar. It was so smooth going down the throat.
Alan Envy: Jesus…that's some good scotch. I need to share this with everyone….
A bright light awoken Envy as he found himself wearing a white suit lying on the pavement of what looked like a train station. The bench was near him as he struggled to his feet but not before looking under it to find a Verge of Greatness dildo that Envy modeled for 15 years ago signed by him. He reached for it and just stared at it. He smiled as he thought of the money he made off this thing when finally he heard a voice.
“Hey that's mine! I've been looking for that!”
Envy turned around and there in all his glory, thankfully clothed was LA Kief himself Kief approached smiling as he snatched the VOG dildo from Envy’s hands.
LA Kief: I can’t go to the other side without something so special to me. So….did you come to say goodbye or are you joining me?
Alan Envy: Wait…am I dead?
LA Kief: Well that's up to you. You kind of have a choice. Go back to your mortal world where you are a famous pro wrestler with a healthy bank account about to get married to a drop dead gorgeous woman or come with me and haunt Jesse Styles the rest of his life. I know what I would choose.
Alan Envy: Yeah the mortal life dude. I am not ready to die.
LA Kief: Well…shit. Would you reconsider if I told you the stuff I had planned for Jesse when I get to his house? It would be more fun with two.
Alan Envy: Kieffy I love ya buddy but no. I need to get back to my life, and Britney, and I have to wrestle your tribute show against Alexander Koresh and his Family.
LA Kief: So you’re in a handicap match? Did you piss in Jesse’s cheerios or something?
Alan Envy: No dude…his name now is Alexander Koresh and his Family. That's his new legal name.
LA Kief: I don’t get it….Fuck why did I have to die now knowing what in the fuck Nocturnal was thiunking changing his name to that dumbass shit. I’m going to go haunt that asshole now before I get to Jesse’s.
Kief extended his hand to Envy who shook it. All of a sudden his voice changed to that of Britney Anders.
LA Kief: BABE!! ALAN!! HONEY!!
Alan Envy: Why do you sound like Britney now?
LA Kief responded with his voice again.
LA Kief: Am I as hot as she is?
Suddenly Envy woke up, lying on the funeral parlor floor next to Kief’s closed casket. Johnny Stylez still giving his got damn eulogy still not realizing it was to an audience of none.
Johnny Stylez: And Kief my friend. Remember to sOaK sUm Up my boy..
The crowd had gathered around Envy as he was helped to his feet. He felt his pants leg being tugged and it was Lawrence Belk with a note personally addressed to Envy.
Lawrence Belks: And with this I close the last will and testament hearing. All of you have a great afternoon, and I am sorry for your loss.
Envy sat down in a chair and opened the letter.
Jesse Styles: Did you ok?
Britney Anders: Babe? Talk to me.
Alan smiles as he brushes her cheek letting her know he was fine. He opened the letter and started reading.
Alan Envy: Deal Al. HA I finally got you, it took me to making it to the afterlife but I finally got a piece of that ass! The extremely expensive scotch was laced with Bill Cosby tonic…while you were out my ghost finally had a chance to tap dat ass. Love you forever pal, and thanks for one last thrill ride, LA Kief.
Everyone started laughing, especially Jesse until Kief’s butthole mold he left him fell out then he grabbed it and ran off. All of a sudan Envy’s ass started hurting…how in the hell ... .how can….
“GOT DAMN YOU KIEF!!!!”
(In memory of Brian Kieffer. Rest in Peace my friend.)