Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2013 9:47:13 GMT -6
Not much has changed.
“Damnit! What is wrong with you, emulator?! I’ve got ice cream melting in the car! For Christ fucking sake! Load up!”
See, the anticipation was killing me. All I wanted to do at this very moment was to evolve the Ivysaur I stumbled across using my cheat code in Pokemon Platinum to a Venusaur. Don’t give me that look. That battle against the Final Four is serious shit, man, and it was the only thing left I had to conquer to beat this game for an eighteenth time!
“OH, COME ON! I KNEW I should’ve downloaded version 1.7 of this damned thing…”
I started clicking every button possible on the mouse of my desktop computer, brushing my right fist along the length of my full grown beard. Like that was really going to speed shit up.
“Ya know what?! FUCK IT. I HAVE to go grab my Butter Pecan right now!!”
I stood, sliding my chair in under the desk. I began to walk away, but before I truly could, I just HAD to sumo kick the living fuck out of the hard drive tower. It tumbled to its’ side, and smoke came rushing out.
“…Teach ya to fuck with my Pokemon, ya bastard!”
I had mentally washed my hands clean of the situation momentarily as I would gleefully step out to retrieve all my grocery items. I purchased ten 12 count rolls of Charmin toilet paper, thirteen bottles of Heins ketchup, ten containers of Country Croc butter, seven boxes of size four baby diapers, and twenty-four cans of cranberry sauce. And guess what?!
IT ONLY COST ME FOUR CENTS AFTER ALL MY COUPONS!
Alright. So… maybe several things have indeed changed about me after all.
Having toted all twelve paper bags full of goodies inside, I couldn’t help but to hear a weird chiming noise coming from my computer. Was it crying?! Because it was a little pussy?! I kicked the holy cow piss out of it and now it was on its’ last breath? Begging for mercy?!
“Shut the fuck up!”, I yelled angrily to the computer, as if it were a person.. That had just robbed me blind of my entire blow up doll collection. My voice even escalated as I marched closer toward the old, run down, piece of shit desktop.
I looked at the screen. In the lower, right corner I saw a message that was practically begging me to upgrade from Windows 95 to Windows 98. In the middle of the screen? A… Skype call? From… from….
“Jarek Whitaker?!”
I damn near soiled my Depend. Alright, so that was a stretch. I wasn’t THAT bad off just yet - I was sporting some Hello Kitty boxer briefs that Blair Buchannan had purchased me for attending some lame Tupperware party that she had thrown two years ago. I just wanted some ass. And well, to get drunk. But I walked out with blue balls, a clear memory and some pink and purple underwear. Who’s the big winner?!!
But anyway.
“Jarek Whitaker? Holy shit. Where’s this guy been?! What’s he been up to?! How did he know where to find me? …Waaaaaaait, most of all…”
I clicked ‘Accept’ to take the call. And lo and behold. A shirtless Guido popped up on the screen sporting a grin. Before Jarek could say anything.. I asked him the question that had me the MOST stumped at this current moment.
“When did I accept your friend request, man?!”
Jarek Whitaker | “Oh GOD, bro!” (slapping his forehead) “You must’ve been drunk as fuck when I added you on here last night, weren’t you?! You haven’t changed one bit, have you, douche?!”
“Actually, bro. I’ve just been…. Really tired. I had to give up drinking.”
Jarek Whitaker | “WHAT THE FUCK did you just say?! That’s complete fucking blasphemy, broheem. You’re lying to me. You’re hung the fuck over right now, aren’t you?”
“Naw, man…”
In an attempt to readjust the camera, it ended up falling from the top of my computer and onto the desk.
“Shit. Hang on, bro.”
Jarek Whitaker | “Holy shiiiiiiiit!”
“What, bro?! WHAT?!”
As I set the camera back up along the top of my computer, I looked at Jarek. His eyes were literally bugging out of his head.
Jarek Whitaker | “….Maple syrup. Tons… of maple syrup.”
“Yeah?”
Shit. I guess Jarek got a glimpse of the shelves behind me. Hell, he’d been blind to have missed them. My computer room was cluttered with full shelves of condiments, fruit cups, boxes of Grits, pregnancy tests, and even tam….
Jarek Whitaker | “WAIT, DO I SEE TAMPONS?!”
“YES, BITCH, I HAVE SIX BOXES OF REGULAR, NINE BOXES OF SUPER, AND THIRTY PACKS OF NIGHT TIME MAXI PADS!!”
Jarek Whitaker | “So the rumors were true. You tucked tail and left New Edge to undergo surgery. You had your balls snipped, your dick cut, and you now have a vagina.”
There I sat.. cringing… my teeth grinding together with much force as I cupped my crotch with both my hands.
“You know I could never stand that much pain, bro…”
He began to laugh his ass off, before agreeing with a response of “True.”
“But wait. Was that a rumor for real?!”
Jarek Whitaker | “No, bro. I was just messin’ with ya. But I am curious, as one of your best friends and your former tag team partner from New Edge. What the hell has happened to ya?!”
“I’ve been couponing, man. It’s practically another full time job within itself. Shit, I’ve got a garage filled with disposable razors and a deflated kiddie pool filled with Dove and Ivory soaps, but no time to use either…”
Jarek Whitaker | “Oh I bet you smell fucking sexy right now, bro. End sarcasm..”
“You don’t get it, man. And that’s cool. Couponing is just.. A natural high. You know… like when a girl lets you fuck her bare, no rubber, and even lets you blast off inside of her. And all is well, because she’s responsible enough to be on birth control..”
Jarek Whitaker | “That’s the BEST. But how dare you compare taking a pair of scissors to pieces of paper to taking a throbbing bone to a needy, tight vadge?”
“Shit. When street hookers start taking double coupons and fifty percent off vouchers, THEN ask me something like that.”
Jarek Whitaker | “Man.. This is outrageous, indeed. I would’ve never guessed in a million years that this would have happened to you. Everyone’s been asking about you, ya know.”
“………Everyone?”
Jarek Whitaker | “Everyone. Apparently you disappeared after Lucas McCann pinned you for the World title?”
“I was saved. Reya Serra has God. I have Couponing.”
Jarek Whitaker | “I’ll say this again. Out fucking ‘rageous, man. You should be out drinkin’.. fuckin’ some strange. Havin’ a gay old time!”
“I can’t. They don’t print coupons for liquor… unless it’s the Arbor Mist shit. Hell, no one even prints coupons for meat either, bro.”
Jarek Whitaker | “So let me guess. You’re a vegetarian now too?!”
I didn’t respond. Instead, I smiled slightly. He slapped his hand along his forehead once again.
“Look. I know what you’re trying to do, broski. You’re trying to see what I’ve been up to.. So that you can ultimately pull me away from it. You want me to just call off everything that I’ve got going on in my life and return to New Edge Wrestling, where I’ve been screwed over, ridiculed, and have essentially accomplished nothing. Yeah, I’ve held the majority of the titles, and we had a great run as a tag team, but shit, what makes my run in New Edge so significant, other than the fact that myself and my title reigns were so controversial?! Not much.”
Jarek Whitaker | “That should just.. Give you more reason to return - to truly make something of yourself.”
“I’ll always be held back, ultimately. ‘The next best thing’ on the New Edge roster is going to come along and take my title belt fourteen days after I’ve captured it. Or people are going to say I didn’t deserve to win it, and I amount to nothing. Ya know… like always.”
Jarek Whitaker | “Fuck them, bro.”
“Only way I’d EVER come back.. Is if Jesse just worked with me, man. Catered to me, basically, like he has to others whose names I won’t mention. Shit, I MADE New Edge, man.”
Jarek Whitaker | “Oooooooh. An incoming Skype message from Cookie!”
I rolled my eyes, and kept talking.
“It’d be great if Jesse Styles would just give me a Youngblood title match. I know I’m much better than that division, but just hear me out. Atleast if I accomplish that, I’ll be a Black Out Champion - something that only Johnny Stylez and Ryan Pugh have accomplished thus far. And I’ll be a shoe-in for Hall of Fame…”
Click.
“What the. Call has been ended? Fuckin’ Jarek…”
From unkept appearance to couponing to no longer dreaming, I had obviously made a few changes. But did I really like what I had become, or was I just doing this as a form of escapism from what I had put up with in my last run of New Edge? I really didn’t know. Knowing anything required thought, and all I could think about right now was that I was horny.
I lifted Cheyenne up from the desk, smiling. I began to seduce her with my eyes alone.. Trailing her torso gently with sweet tender kisses as I made my way down to her forbidden forest of love. ….Whoa. She had ketchup between her legs. I must’ve laid her next to my French fries earlier…
Sigh.
“Oh well. This is why I buy tampons. And why I have a free subscription to Playboy magazine. Because ya can’t fuck a blowup doll when she’s on her period…”
I began to tear into one of fourty-one boxes of Tampax pearl, as the camera would cut abruptly.