If You Have A Fear That Lasts Longer Than 4 Hours...

[Deleted]

....starring in….
”If You Have A (Fear) That Lasts Longer Than 4 Hours...”

Friday, September 20, 2019

Shane Sparx ; “Damn, that was a pretty scary movie, man. What did you think?”

Jarek Whitaker ; “Naw, Pennywise is a little bitch!”

Jarek THINKS he’s being slick and that Shane isn’t looking as he tosses his emptied jumbo popcorn bucket into the trash bin and thrusts a pair of scissors down into his jean pocket as the friends exit the movie theater.

Shane Sparx ; “Naw, bruh…”

Shane moonwalks to the trash can and lifts the popcorn bucket up, looking at Jarek through a hole cut half-hazardly at the bottom of the bucket.

Shane Sparx ; “Fuck, I’m glad I never asked you for popcorn…”

Jarek Whitaker ; “You really think I would’ve shared my food with you anyway, bruh?! Besides.. Did you not see the smokin’ hot chick beside me on the other side?! I kept leaning the bucket over to see if her interest would ever peak.”

Shane Sparx ; “And?”

Jarek Whitaker ; “She was too busy eye fuckin’ the clown on the big screen!”

Shane Sparx ; “I guess there’s an appeal for clowns after all. And Blair said there wasn’t!”

Jarek Whitaker ; “What does she know though, man?! Her reality tv show ratings are sinking like stones and she’s parading around with that wedding ring like all is fine and dandy!”

Shane Sparx ; “...Simply means that Johnny has rubbed off on her in more ways than one, man. Brandon Moore too. They’re all in serious denial and need a reality check. Why else would ya be so cocky?!”

Jarek Whitaker ; “I believe they’re all riding it out, pun intended especially for Blair.. Giggity.. For the free title shots.”

Shane Sparx ; “Yeah.. it is quite strange how none of these dicksnorts have accomplished anything, in or out of Defiance, and yet they’re the ones getting title shot after title shot after title shot. Fuckin’ Blair lost to me when I beat her ass to capture the X-Core Championship in the first place. Then what happens? She’s granted a TransAtlantic title shot. Then I outwit and destroy Brandon Moore every week.. I even defended the title against him and won, predictably so, and yet here he is in my face.. Once again.”

Sit your fuckin’ ass down.

Jarek Whitaker ; “Wait, Shane. Here she comes! She’s crying her eyes out!”

The ‘smokin’ hot chick’ that Jarek was referring to earlier steps out of the theater sobbing, as he mercilessly approaches her, yanking the emptied popcorn bucket from Shane’s grasp.

Jarek Whitaker ; “Hey, baby! Did you not see my dick in the bucket?! I wanted you to get a good feel.”

Smokin’ Hot Chick ; “I looked for a split second. Wasn’t much to it. Plus I paid ten bucks to see a movie. Not contract a deadly sexual disease..”

Shane Sparx ; “Damn, for a girl who’s bawling her eyes out, you sure are spunky!”

Smokin’ Hot Chick ; “There were no mid-credit scenes! I wanted more! That was so good. I just love watching people get gutted, torn apart, eaten alive…”

Shane raises his eyebrows in concern.

Smokin’ Hot Chick ; “Oh, it’s the stuff good nightmares are made of!”

Two Hours Later…

Shane Sparx ; “Bro, she legit scared the shit out of me! That was one freaky bitch!”

Jarek Whitaker ; “I still wish she would’ve reached in. I was in the process of making extra butter just for her..”

Shane Sparx ; “I greatly doubt she wanted to. I mean, you heard the way she burned you back there.”

Jarek Whitaker ; “She burned me about as bad as Brandon Moore did to you, man: Uneffective! Still champ, homie! You even forced a handshake out of the fucker!”

Shane Sparx ; “Wait. Really, though, Jare?! Did you not see what happened this past weekend? In the rumble match?”

Jarek Whitaker ; “Shit.. I think I was filming a Youtube video of myself eating the new Impossible whopper.”

Shane Sparx ; “....How was that?”

Jarek Whitaker ; “About as good as an Al Envy promo.”

Shane Sparx ; “Ouch.”

Jarek Whitaker ; “Yeah, it’s comparable to a salty surprise. I found that out the hard way, giggity… when we were at that glory hole bar!”

Shane Sparx ; “Speaking of which, bro. I really hope that where ever you’re taking us tonight was researched on your part.”

Jarek Whitaker ; “Uhhhh.. Ummmmm… well……”

Jarek’s moment in the hot seat comes to a close as Shane’s phone starts going off. Incoming Facetime. Shane pulls his phone out and holds it in front of him, hesitantly answering the facetime call when he sees his mom is calling. As soon as he answers and his mom gets a glimpse of him, she freaks out.

Mama Sparx ; “HOLY FUCK, IT CAN’T BE!!”

Shane Sparx ; “Ma, chill!”

Mama Sparx ; “YOU’RE NOT MY BOY!”

Shane Sparx ; “MA, CHILL!”

Mama Sparx ; “Don’t you yell at me, Noc-turtle! I know exactly what you did! You skinned the face of my handsome baby boy and now you’re sporting it like a god damn trophy! After you murdered him!”

Shane Sparx ; “MA! We’ve been through this before, you crazy woman! It’s X-Core wrestling! Me and Brandon Moore have still been goin’ at each other’s throats!”

Silence. Shane’s mom isn’t buying it.

Shane Sparx ; “Jare.. say something!”

Jarek Whitaker ; “Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mama Sparx!”

Mama Sparx ; “Oh. I hear a gay horse in the background. That sounds like your usual company…”

Shane Sparx ; “Well there ya go! What’s going on, ma?”

Mama Sparx ; “Nah, nah. What’s going on with YOU. You obviously weren’t paying me no mind when I lectured you two weeks ago! Actually… y’know what?! Hold on!”

Shane starts scratching his head, as his unpredictable mother puts the phone down briefly to retrieve only God knows what. His mother returns with her baseball bat - the same one that he himself almost got taken out with ; the same one that Blair Buchanan’s mom Denise almost got leveled with last week.

Mama Sparx ; “Okay! I know you’re not here in Vegas for me to smash this bat to bits over your skull, but answer me incorrectly right now, son, and I’ll make a special trip to Alaska to do so! Now… I thought I told you to knock Brandon Moore the fuck out?! What happened to that request?!”

Shane Sparx ; “I did! I beat that lowlife.”

Mama Sparx ; “...Then why’s he still breathing? Why are you guys still going at each other’s throats, like you said? Get the job done, Shane! What are ya?! Scared?! You’ve gotta stop thinking of these guys as your friend, and go warrior mode! You gotta end some careers, have people sent out on stretchers, hell - I’ll go one step further! You gotta leave these guys so fucked up that their next destination is the nearest morgue!”

Shane Sparx ; “Ma.. have you been watching the Saw movies again?!”

Mama Sparx (throwing her voice to sound manly) ; “I want to play a game!”

Shane Sparx ; “Hah! Listen, you’re right. I’m taking it a little easy on him, and I’ll bet you anything he’s probably done the same. We have yet to really get down and dirty, but I think that’s going to change at Cold Front. The loser is literally going to be thrown through a set of flaming tables. The stakes are high.”

Mama Sparx ; “My butthole just puckered a little bit…”

Silence, as the look on Shane’s face is of priceless disgust.

Mama Sparx ; “Listen, I’ve put the sheets and pillow cases that were on your bed… through the wash three times. They smell like granny perfume. Do you know what’s up with that?!”

FUCK. She knows he had a GILF over last weekend. Stay cool, Shane!

Shane Sparx ; “Uhhh.. you know that aromatherapy spray from Bath and Bodyworks that’s supposed to help ya sleep?! I’m sure that’s all it is. Hey, ma.. I gotta go, we just pulled up to this bar! Love ya!”

Jarek Whitaker ; “....What was that last bit about, man?”

Shane Sparx ; “Forget it. ….I have a better question. Why did we just pull up to a place called The Salty Dawg Saloon?! Not the best choice after you just went on about salty dick fluids at glory holes..”

Shane and Jarek close their respective doors as they approach the front door of the bar together. White snow overtakes the scene. Fuck… it’s time for a charge! It’s not like we don’t know what’s gonna go down anyway, though, right?! Shane will get fitshaced and end the night getting laid. Jarek will pretend like he’s a god at pool, lose several hundred dollars in the process and spend his last twenty bucks eating greasy Waffle House once the bar closes.

Saturday, September 21, 2019: Just Six Hours Later

BZZZZ!

BZZZZ!

BZZZZ!

Shane Sparx ; “Jarek! Put that thing away, man! I’m trying to sleep over here!”

BZZZZ!

BZZZZ!

BZZZZ!

Shane Sparx ; “Jarek! Seriously, bro. If you wanna play with your ass, go to the bathroom like a normal person!”

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Shane Sparx ; “Real funny, fuckwad!”

Shane launches his pillow at the other queen sized bed in the hotel, but doesn’t get the reaction he had hoped for. Not even another buzz! Shane lets out a deep sigh before sitting up in his bed and turning the light switch on the lamp. He glances over to see Jarek is missing. There’s what looks to be a letter lying on the lone table of the room, and as Shane strains his eyes after finally getting used to the idea of light at 4:25 in the morning, he notices the letter has…

Shane Sparx ; “BLOOD?!”

Shane begins to freak the fuck out, not knowing where his best friend has gone to.

Shane Sparx ; “Alright, so we’re not reading that letter! Shit’s a trap! I’d stand up out of my bed and…

SLASHY, SLASHY!

Shane Sparx ; “...Right across the fuckin’ Achilles tendon! Then I’d be as vulnerable as Blair Buchannan and her mother’s relationship when she finds out she got the D that she always wanted for herself!”

She beat’cha to it, whore.

Shane Sparx ; “Fuck. Focus, Shane! So… If I were to hop onto Jarek’s bed, since it’s closer to the table.. I could hop out onto the floor to where I wouldn’t be vulnerable to a serial killer under the bed. But then… my staggering would get to me and I’d stand, and behind me would be…

SLASHY, SLASHY!

Shane Sparx ; “Fuck! What if I log onto Tinder real quick and find me a hot brunette to hook up with.. and she takes the kill for me if there is indeed a serial killer out on the loose?!  But then what if the killer is already gone.  Then I'll have to fuck her... Better double up on the viagra!  Maybe I should snap a recent pic too so I'm not catfishing girls knowing I got this ugly mug now.  Thanks, X-Core division.”

Shane looks back at the letter, as one edge begins to flap about freely from the impact of the air conditioner kicking on. The red stain becomes even more apparent, as Shane just shrugs it off and turns an already opened bottle of Viagra out into his mouth. With a mouthful of erection pills, Shane takes a swig of cherry limeade flavored sparkling water, and in a comedic turn of events, his upper body collapses onto the bed as they seem to have a peculiar effect.

Weak ass bitch!
Actually, speaking of weak, check THIS shit out..

The scene transitions to one of those Saved by the Bell-ish fantasy sequences, ‘cuz why the fuck not?! As Shane has skipped straight to dream state, there are five beings wearing dresses on a stage where lights shine bright and thousands of people in attendance are clapping like seals in heat. The way the audience is fan-girling, you would’ve thought they were experiencing an orgy between the Jonas Brothers and N ‘Sync.

I mean.. Lance would probably be down.

Alright, that was wrong...
But it ain’t no lie, baby bye, bye, bye!

Okay, let’s get back on track. So five whores, three with suspiciously hairy knees, are standing on the stage waving their hands around in a cupped, dainty fashion, trying to win the hearts of the fans in attendance. But… unbeknownst to these five morons who think their shit don’t stink, they haven’t managed to do so just yet!

You already know where this is going, don’t you?!
No, Blair. Not up your pussy. Nor your poopchute. Don’t get too excited!

There’s one final step in REALLY winning the crowd over! They must…. Plead their cases ; tell everyone what they’ll do with the prize money! Up first is of the hairy-kneed variety. He.. I mean.. She? ...begins to strut her stuff as she steps forward.

Pageant Host ; “Contestant number 1 is up first! Please tell us wh….”

The contestant snatches the microphone from the clutches of the beloved host, as the crowd gasps in unison!

OUCH! Points deducted for being a cunt. I can already sense it.

Schmuck #1 ; “If I win? I’ll uhhhhh….”

This poor bastard starts to sweat bullets. The beads are rolling down his face as he cups his groin with his hands, as if he’s pissing himself as he looks back.

Schmuck #1 ; “What do I say, guys?!”

”AHEM!”

The most pathetic of the five pushes the second schmuck forward, as the first scurries off the stage leaving behind a puddling trail of yellow. The crowd in attendance laughs, as the second contestant snags the microphone that the host JUST regained ownership of.

Host ; “I don’t think so! That’s not how this works!”

Schmuck #2 ; “Fuck off, bitch ass! I’m the Despised One! And we ain’t gotta do shit you say!”

Schmuck #3 ; “That’s right! Because we’re above the law!”

Schmuck #4 ; “Mothaphuckin’ right!”

Schmuck #5 ; “GRRRRRRRRRRR!”

Could none of these dicksnorts not think for themselves?! Shit, man. A disorganized bunch of pawns that seemed like they were on the same page, yet they were also in competition with one another - having internal pissing contests within their group over who says what, arguing who gets what opportunities. The whole time, the crowd is laughing, some even fleeing the shit show as all hell has broken loose. The host tries to regain control of the situation.

Host ; “Ladies! Ladies!”

The only ACTUAL woman of the bunch does her best Cher impersonation, flipping her hair back. But it’s an epic fail when her wig comes falling off.

Schmuck #3 ; “You FINALLY said something logical.”

Schmuck #4 ; “Uhhhhh.. Muphin! Your hair!!”

The host and schmuck #4 butt heads as both men kneel down to retrieve the wig. The two play an epic game of tug of war as they exchange words.

Host ; “What the hell is this, even?! I was told I was judging a Miss America contest ; that I’d finally be famous, and go on to have my own television show.”

Schmuck #4 ; “Keep phuckin’ dreamin’! The only person here with a boomin’ reality show is my wife! And I suggest you give me back her phuckin’ hair or else!”

Schmuck #3 ; “Honey, it’s fine. Bernice was lookin’ disheveled after you yanked and tugged on her from behind last night, anyway.

GROSS.

Schmuck #5 ; “GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!”

Schmuck #2 ; “Guys, watch this!”

The Despised, self proclaimed ‘hardcore’ maniac yanks a blunt from his bra and takes a puff before dropkicking the host, as a large wall of glass appears from out of nowhere and the host is sent straight through it, now bleeding out. The four remaining pageant hopefuls start beating on the defenseless host four-to-one style. Before you know it, the host is dead and Shane Sparx is pushed out onto the stage by an unknown force, envelope in one hand and microphone in the other. By now, the four dicksnorts are lined up and awaiting the results of the pageant. Shane opens the envelope, hesitant to even take part in the shit show.

Shane Sparx ; “Uhhh. Okay. Oh.. wow. There’s literally like ten people left in the audience. Ma, what are you doin’ here?!”

Mama Sparx ; “Just showin’ some support, baby! At least in your dreams you look more like my boy! A lot less like a misfit!”

Shane Sparx ; “Maaaaa! Shush!”

The four idiots laugh, as the fifth comes out wearing nothing but a clean diaper.

Shane Sparx (mumbling) ; “Dude, I literally have the most fucked up dreams.”

Mama Sparx ; “On with it, baby! You know your ma’s gotta get home to watch her soaps!”

Shane Sparx ; “Ladies and gentlemen… your winner!

Schmuck #2 ; “Not so fuckin’ fast! I didn’t even get to make my fuckin’ plea! Don’t get dicksmacked!”

Shane Sparx ; “HAH! ....Once Ryan Pugh has done that to ya half a dozen times, ya get used to it.”

Mama Sparx ; [GASPPPPPPPPPP!]

Shane Sparx; “Not that I enjoyed it or anything, but…”

Schmuck #2 ; “You loved that shit, dawg. Admit it. But nah, check this out, err’body! I’m going to prove to EVERYONE OUT HERE that Shane Sparx is NOT a proper X-Core division champion.”

Shane Sparx ; “You gotta take this shit off me if you really want it that bad, though, Holmes! So far, you’ve failed to do it! Your words mean nothing.

..just like your dysfunctional stable.
oxymorons for the win.

Shane Sparx ; “You can plea to these fuckers ‘til you’re blue in the face, but you ain’t done shit thusfar but kill the host of this fuckshit beauty pageant!”

Mama Sparx ; “YEAH! Now stop interruptin’ my baby, Brandon!”

Shane Sparx ; “SHIT! Don’t say his name, ma! You’ll awaken the ”beast”. Then again, right now his HP is looking low! By the time he lights another blunt to gain more energy, he’ll-.....”

Schmuck #2 (now revealed as Brandon Moore… who’s shocked?!) ; “Keep on mockin’ me, fuckboy!”

Mama Sparx ; “You ain’t gonna do a GOT damn thing to my baby!”

Schmuck #2 ; “Hold my joint, whore.”

B-Moore carelessly hands his joint off to Schmuck #3, the self proclaimed beauty queen of the group, burning her fingers in the process. Shane just laughs at this, as he turns his head back to direct his attention to Brandon Moore who is holding a razor blade up to his mother’s throat.

Schmuck #2 ; “Alright. NOW the festivities can commence! Since you won’t give me an opportunity to plea to these fine audience members…..

The camera quickly pans around to reveal six remaining people in the audience - four are asleep and two are acting like they are… y’know… so maybe Defiance (wooops, another slip!) would get the hint and shut the fuck up?

Schmuck #2 ; “....You can tell everyone who won the beauty pageant! And you MIGHT wanna hurry!”

Shane Sparx ; “You ain’t gonna do shit, boy.”

Mama Sparx ; “Shane! It’s starting to cut through!!! Just do what he wants!”

Shane Sparx (not taking this whole thing seriously) ; “The winner is Bla-.....”

Schmuck #3 starts approaching with her signature duck face and newly burnt fingers, but Shane unapologetically shoves his left hand right in her face, stalling her. Schmuck #4, the group’s fearless leader, tries to jump him but Shane smacks him across the face and sends him down.

Shane Sparx ; “Damn. That was easier than I ever expected. Roger’s got it pretty easy. ANYWAY! I have just been informed.. That we have made an error! Yes.. this walking sex doll is NOT your winner! The winner is… THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS.. ALL SIX OF YOU THAT ARE LEFT AFTER ALL THE SHENANIGANS!”

For dealing with this bullshit for as long as they have!

SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!

Shane Sparx ; “MA!!”

Schmuck #2 ; “I fucking warned you, Shane!”

Schmuck #4 ; “Got a minute to reflect, sucker?! Oh, I think you do, ‘cuz homeboy just killed your phuckin’ mom!”

Schmuck #3 ; “Come on guys.. Let’s go have a circle jerk. It’s way overdue.”

Shane drops to his knees as he looks out into the audience and sees his dead mother lying in the very front row.

Nawwwwwwwww… we good!

Shane wakes in a cold sweat, as he does his best Undertaker impersonation by sitting straight up, his head subconsciously bobbing from side to side in slow motion, as the absent-minded heart throb asks himself….

’Whoa, Viagra, what the fuck?!’

Shane Sparx ; “They must’ve changed up the recipe of the blue pills!”

Shane recalls the blood that his mother was drenched in, as he looks back at the letter and then creepishly over toward the camera with a smile.

Shane Sparx ; “You think you’ve got my number don’tcha, Brandy boy?! You think I’m going to tap into figurative submission when you keep on going out of your way to intimidate me, not only with your invalidated threats, but in the way you one up me every time we’re in the ring? Yeah, you may be the best thing going in Defiance right now, but that’s certainly not saying much. Don’t forget that for everything you throw at me, I too have something up my arsenal to-....”

BZZZZZZZZZZZ!

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

BZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Shane Sparx ; “.......really funny!”

Shane looks over on the nightstand to realize that his phone has been buzzing with notifications all night. He begins to reach over for his phone, but…. Collapses once more!

here we go again..

Jarek is sitting idle on an abandoned swing of a snow-filled setting. Not much can be made out right away, as if a blizzard is in progress but Shane is unbothered ; numb to disaster. Shane approaches Jarek and touches him on the shoulder from behind, only for a skull to fall against the snow. Shane panics, backing away in terror as he’s faced with an abominable snow cunt. At first, it looks rather intimidating. But once Shane blinks a bit, and sees this scary entity for what it truly is, he realizes it’s just Brandon Moore in a Party City costume.

Shane Sparx ; “You again, dawg?! I’ve never had so many dreams, or in this case, night terrors about someone I’ve never fucked before!”

Dumbass Yeti ; “What makes you think you’re dreaming?!”

Shane Sparx ; “...I’m beginning to think whoever filled my last ‘script was on that shit. Brandon?! Was it you?!”

Dumbass Yeti ; “Why da fuck do ya take viagra anyway, pussy boy?!”

Shane Sparx ; “Gotta be a sure thing when you pick the ladies up lookin’ like this! I know as banged up and bruised as you are you can probably sympathize…”

Dumbass Yeti ; “I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about! All I know is…”

Shane Sparx ; “Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re gonna whip my ass from pillar to fuckin’ post. You’re going to throw chairs at me, you’re going to zap me with vibrators wrapped in electricity powered barbed wire, you’re going to burn my eye sockets with joints, yadda yadda. Who gives a fuck?! You’ve done all that before. How’s about we step our fuckin’ game up?! You KNOW I’m not the pretender here.”

Shane gives Brandon a shove.

Shane Sparx ; “You know I’m the one that forced your hand at this whole x-core thing, Brandon. You know you were just wasting away, not doing a god damned thing after your last mentor Damon Riggs stopped reaching out to you. Everyone cut ties with you because you were a fuckin’ con artist, a drug abuser, a lowlife that people just couldn’t trust anymore. Ya do something nice for your ass, and all ya could do to pay them back was fuck them over. Take what you did to me this last time, for instance. You acted all civil with me, even through our backstage battles. But then when shit got convenient, or so you thought, you turned your back on the sole person who thought your return was a good idea.”

”So far it’s just been a shit show.”

Shane Sparx ; "Excuse, after fucking excuse.. As to why you couldn’t get the job done against me, Brandon. Whether it’s ‘Oh I let you have that’. Or ‘Oh I’m just hyping you up so I can fight the best Shane I can get’. Or ‘I’m just letting you get your shine before I come and snag that title right off of ya’. Bitch, you’re not Kanye West, and I’m not Taylor Swift.. Besides… Everyone knows…”

”I’m on my way to having the best X-Core title run.. Of ALL time!”

Shane Sparx ; “When will you realize that these people aren’t fuckin’ stupid, dude?! If you were SO amazing: as amazing as you have it in your mind that you are, and as amazing as I thought you were when I shared a piece of my world here in New Edge Wrestling with you, then why haven’t you just GONE for the fucking jugular by now and TAKEN this belt from me?! Because you’re a fuckin’ joke. You can give me all the props you want to about how I stepped up to the plate, and am giving you a run for your money and proving you wrong. Fact of the matter is, I’ve crafted my wrestling career on proving people wrong. At what point do we just drop our egos, and cut the bullshit and admit that…”

”Shane IS a fuckin’ BEAST.”

Shane Sparx ; “And not just because I beat ONE sole person. Face it, kid.. You’re a dime a dozen when it comes to challengers that thought they could tango with me. Even when I DON’T have Championship gold around my waist, my opposition is still a challenger - because that week, they’re challenging my legacy ; they’re challenging everything I’ve done in the past and everything I’m doing presently. I know you’re probably sick of me saying this now, for about a month straight.. But like you say, you learn things and you build your foundation upon your truth, homie. And mine is that I’m a proven vet, and all you dicksnorts are going to stop thinking otherwise.. At least that’s my fuckin’ DREAM for the future…”

”Ya wanna know why?!”
”....So I can move on to bigger and better competition in the future.. Because you’re just a big ball of contradictions entangled in a web of pretentiousness, add a splash of ‘bad boy’ with the instant Cracker Jack box tattoo and you’ve got yourself a peon that’s never gonna measure up, no matter how much he pitches the idea of ‘Oh! We could do better in the X-Core division! We could stand to have a better Champion!’ Do it then. Real G’s don’t play with their food ; they devour that shit!”

Shane lifts his right palm up in front of his chin and taunts Brandon with a flamboyant blowing gesture. The being that was once B-Moore crumbles into bones, as we hear a faint voice declaring…”

”.....i’ll be back!”

Shane Sparx ; ”Ah, yes! The infamous handshake. The very one that I thought had once and for all solidified the end of this rivalry ; the handshake that would begin a new journey, and set a new standard for camaraderie and sportsmanship. ‘Gee, maybe he’ll be some sort of an ally now’. I mean, usually when people shake hands, it means something, whether you invest any emotional stock in it or not. But to you? It was a way to try to throw me off my game ; to get under my skin. And in saying that, bro, believe me. I’m not playing the victim card here.”

”You just make it so incredibly easy to expose you.”

Shane Sparx ; ”Because what you did next is you tucked tail that following week. You decided ‘Okay, I lost. I’m not gonna show my face. I’m not gonna man up and own up, on national television, to the fact that I lost to Shane Sparx. I’m just going to show up in the middle of the match and cost him big time! I’m going to send his goofy ass over the top rope and make sure he doesn’t win that rumble match! And not only will I do that, but I’ll also do my puppet master’s work too, and throw an unexpecting Ryan Pugh out too! Kill two birds with one stone! But what happened to being such a badass, Brandon? What happened to being this advocate for in your face hardcore wrestling? Since when did we start showing our true colors, and laying our cards out there for all to see?”

"At least it’s a step in the right direction for you. You’re finally showing us the real you: A coward. A pussy. A HAS BEEN.”
Face the music, man.. You’ll never truly be relevant.. Especially when you’re targeting true OG’s like Shane Sparx and Ryan fuckin’ Pugh!

Shane Sparx ; “I’ll be waiting for you, homie. Shoot your shot, and make it count. Because if you don’t?! And if you CAN’T finally live up to the hype built up around you? You might not get another chance…..”

”I’ll be waiting.”

Jarek Whitaker ; “Shane!”

Shane Sparx ; “Sup, man?”

Jarek Whitaker ; “Is the bully gone?! I went into hiding.. In the jon. Eating a chocolate glazed donut in a smelly port-o-potty seemed like it would be unpleasant, but the aroma actually gives the donut a little extra flavor…”

Shane Sparx ; “You’re fuckin’ weird, pal.”

Jarek Whitaker ; “Hey, Shane!”

Shane Sparx ; “Huh?!”

Jarek Whitaker ; “SHANE?!”

A quick, faint voice overtakes the scene as the once troubled terrain is bright with promise - complete with a fully equipped playground, and a rainbow… sans the magical unicorn.

you have herpes! you have herpes! you have herpes! that’s not x-core!”

Shane Sparx ; “What the…. I swear B-Moore is like the turd that won’t just fall out of your ass!”

"Ya want me to fear you so bad.. but I REFUSE."

Jarek Whitaker ; “SHANE!”

Suddenly, we get a flashback of the time Jarek Whitaker and Shane Sparx took a herpe cream bubble bath after sleeping with an entire college cheerleading squad… and with no shame at all. I guess we all have a little Blair Buchannan in us. Ew. Suddenly, Jarek is pierced through the heart with a gnarly blood splatter effect compliments of a gun being shot off. Shane wakes up and sees Jarek has been calling his name.

Shane Sparx ; “HOLY FUCK, MAN… You’re alive!”

Jarek Whitaker ; “YOU TOO! I’m pretty shocked!”

Shane Sparx ; “Wait.. why do you say that?!”

Jarek is standing at Shane’s bedside with a strawberry filled Krispy Kreme donut. Its’ contents come bursting out onto Shane’s chest, which Shane totally ignores as he lies there, confused. In Jarek’s other hand is a pill bottle that he’s carefully studying.

Shane Sparx ; “Dude, what about the note?!”

Jarek Whitaker ; “The note on the table? Oh damn.. I didn’t notice I had gotten some jelly on it! What a waste!”

Shane Sparx ; “Jelly?! God dammit, Jarek! I was literally scared to death! I kept taking Viagra! Which.. I was going to eventually find local women to hook up with and fuck the confusion and pain away, but.. I keep falling asleep instead!”

By now, Jarek has retrieved the note to read to Shane.

Jarek Whitaker ; “Yeah, dude. The note literally said ‘Hey, man. Out to grab some more Krispy Kremes. I ate the whole dozen that I bought after the club. P.S. I banged your bitch!”

Shane Sparx ; “I THOUGHT I picked up a girl at the bar last night! But… my viagra… why’d it put my ugly ass to sleep?!”

Jarek Whitaker ; “I think there was a mix-up of prescriptions somewhere along the line, Shane. You’ve got Hudson McKnight’s sleeping pills here. ….You took the whole fucking bottle. And you’ve got missed calls from me, Violetta, and your mom. Damn, man.. We gotta get you sobered up! I’ll put on some coffee…”

Shane Sparx ; “Fuuuuuuuuck.”

Shane once again collapses in his bed as we fade to black.