Tumany, Jesse the Goat and a man named Brian

[King of Goats]

Autumn 2015

Amidst the picturesque scenery of lush green grass, rustic farms, and a gentle meandering river down a rolling hill, joyous Pakistani children playfully splash each other. A farmer tends to his duties, milking a cow, while two boys engage in a spirited game of cricket with sticks and a ball. A woman smiles as she bakes bread on an outside stove, and a solitary goat grazes in the field, peacefully munching on grass. This is Ababakar, Pakistan and at this moment it is the definition of peaceful tranquillity.

That is until it is abruptly shattered by the sudden intrusion of loud metal music. Bewildered villagers shoot disapproving glances toward the source… Tumany.

Armed with a worn portable media player, Tumany directs his vocal talents towards an unsuspecting goat in the field.

Tumany (singing along):
Watch your tongue or have it cut from your head,
Save your life by keeping whispers unsaid…

Marching up to the goat, he dramatically pauses with a declaration.

Tumany:
Cut the music. It is I, Jesse Styles…

He presses pause on the media player.

Goat:
Baaaaaaaaa!

Tumany:
Tough crowd. I get it. I’m here to let you know that New Edge will have its final season, and then the lights go out, people.

Goat:
Baaaaaaaaaaa!

Tumany:
I know. All good things must come to an end. Just stand up and enjoy this final ride with me! Do not, for the love of God, be like some of the so-called legends who dare not return. Let's just name a few of them shall we… Ryan Pugh, Johnny Stylez, Nocturnal, LA Kief, Kevin Rouser, and even Roger Wright... Yes, even the golden boy himself is too afraid to return for NEW’s final season.

Goat:
Baaaaaaaaaaa!

Tumany:
You can boat all you want goat fan but they won’t be coming back. I agree. It’s disgusting. If any of you so called legends are listening, if you don’t want to be remembered as cowards, I dare you to accept the challenge and come back for one final run. I, Jesse Styles, will face anyone. Now, who dares accept my challenge…

Goat:
Baaaaaaaaa!
Tumany:
You? But you’re just a goat! You will never be able to defeat the great Jesse Styles…

Unexpectedly, a massive shadow looms over Tumany—a portly man with a beard. Tumany turns around, his jaw drops and mouth quickers. It looks like LA Kief, but it can’t be. Not in Pakistan. The man burps. Maybe it is!

Brian:
Do you know where the nearest bathroom is?

Tumany:
Are you?

Brian:
You can call me Brian. I can’t tell you my real name as I’m hiding from the FBI. Oh and Chef Roberto. Well, mainly Chef Roberto. I stole his cookies.

Tumany:
How did you get here?

Kief goes behind a bush.

Brian:
This will do. By the way, nice Jesse impression. But you need to shout a lot louder. He gets real mean. You need to tense all your muscles and challenge your inner roid rage.

Tumany tenses whatever muscles he has.

Brian:
I AM JESSE. I AM SO ANGRY. RARRR RARRR RARRR! Try it.

Tumany:
I am Jesse. I am so angry.

Brian:
No! Louder and angrier!

Tumany:
I am JESSE!

Brian:
Angrier! Pretend you have just spat out a massive bag of dicks!

In the distance, a plump woman wearing an aqua tunic and hijab approaches. She see’s Tumany shouting and cuts a look of pity. It’s Tumany’s mother.

Tumany:
RARRRRR! I AM JESSE STYLES. I AM SO ANGRY. YOU COWARDS! ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE YOU F**KING COWARDS! Chef Roberto, you’re fired. Shane Sparx, FIRED! Ryan Pugh, fired, fired, FIRED!

Brian:
Much better.

Mother:
Tumany! Where have you been? We have all been waiting for you.

Tumany:
Sorry mama. LA Kief was teaching me how to be fierce.

Mother:
Who?

Tumany looks around. LA Kief is nowhere in sight.

Mother:
We need to hurry or we will miss your father’s funeral. Now that he has died, you need to promise me that you will take good care of the farm and look after us, especially Omar as he needs his big brother more than ever.

Tumany:
But what about my dream of becoming a professional wrestler?

Mother:
Haha, my precious silly boy. That dream is impossible. Now come.

Tumany looks around as his mother holds his hand and drags him away. In the distance, he glances back and sees Brian wave him goodbye.

Winter 2023 (Over 8 years later)

The sound of goats baaing and the unmistakable aroma of manure hanging in the air.

Dressed in a thobe that has seen better days, sweat rolls down Tumany’s face as he tries to milk goats that just don’t want to be milked, each goat with their own distinct personality. There's "Jesse," the moody one, "Alexander," who likes to nibble away at other goats’ flesh, and a newly born goat named “LA K” after a recently departed icon. There’s also one called “Johnny”, he’s easy to find as he’s been painted purple.

Tumany battles against the relentless goat rebellion. They strategically block his path, causing him to trip over and stumble. He falls into some hay. He sighs, lies on his stomach, and pets his favourite goat…

Tumany:
Oh Jesse, it wasn’t meant to be like this. I wish I was in America.

Jesse ():
It’s not too late. You can be anything you want to be.

Dumbfounded, Tumany turns to Jesse.

Tumany:
I’m hallucinating. The chai must have been contaminated. Tumany turns to watch Alexander as he headbutts LA K.

Jesse ():
Why don’t you post a video on the internet issuing an open challenge.

Tumany turns to face Jesse again.

Tumany:
I need to see Doctor Yaran.

Jesse ():
Only to have a medical. If you post the video, you’ll be in America in no time. What would Jesse Styles do? Would he ever give up? No, he wouldn’t because Jesse always keeps bringing NEW back.

Tumany:
Oh Jesse. I don’t know if I’m cracking up, but you’re right. I can’t…

Jesse ():
Also, you should sell the farm to your brother for the price of a plane ticket.

Tumany:
Okay that’s enough Jesse.

The sound of muffled laughter comes from behind the bushes. Jesse gets up and marches to them. Hiding in the bushes, he sees his brother Little Omar giggling away.

Tumany:
Omar! I knew it was you.

Little Omar:
Haha! No, you didn’t. You thought Jesse was talking to you. Just like the time you thought you saw LA Kief.

Tumany:
I did see LA Kief!

Little Omar:
Haha, whatever. You are delusional, my brother. Your life belongs in Ababakar; why always dream of America!

Tumany:
I am not delusional.

Little Omar:
Yes, you are. You will NEVER leave this village.

Tumany:
Of course, I will.

Little Omar:
No, you won’t. You’re getting old. You're full of shit. You promised you would look after mama, and she died because we couldn't afford her medicine.

Tumany:
Look I'm sorry. It was a difficult harvest.

Little Omar:
You're just a failure.

Tumany closes his eyes. He opens them. In the distance, he sees Brian. He nods toward him.

Tumany:
How dare you insult me… you COWARD. I am so angry. My name is Je…THE KING OF GOATS. I would like to issue an open challenge to anybody... and that includes you Pathetic Weak Omar.

Brian gives a thumbs-up gesture as he walks behind the shed and disappears.

Tumany:
The King of Goats fears nobody. Who dares face the King of Goats? I will milk you until you cry.

Tumany rips off his thobe to reveal his undergarments. He tenses his muscles. He pushes Little Omar to the floor.

Tumany:
I accept your proposal. I will sell the farm but only on two conditions. Condition one, you film my open challenge. Condition two, I keep Jesse the Goat.
King of Goats offers his hand, which Little Omar shakes. Both smile for different reasons. And so, the open challenge video is made.

The Next Morning

In the village streets, snores eminate from a clay hut. Inside, Tumany is in dreamland. His bedroom walls adorned with posters of wrestlers, mostly Jesse Styles. Tumany sleeps with a smile on his face.

Until, Little Omar busts into the bedroom and shakes Tumany awake. Tumany jolts up.

Little Omar:
Tumany, wake up. You’ve got views.

Tumany:
Huh?

A dazed Tumany leans up as Little Omar waves the phone in his face… 90k views! By Ababakar standards, the video has gone VIRAL.

Little Omar:
The video has made us one hundred and sixty-six US dollars! We’re rich! Tumany, please post another one.

King of Goats:
Who is Tumany? My name is the King of Goats!

Little Omar:
Yes. Okay. Tumany, I mean King, you don’t have to go to America. You can just keep making videos. See how easy it is. Mr. Webster says it's the best video he's ever seen, whoever he is.

King of Goats:
No. I have to follow my dreams.

Little Omar:
If you do a few more videos, I'll be able to buy everyone in the village a mattress. We've a notification, I bet it's Barack Obama congratulating us.

Little Omar checks the phone. As he reads, his face turns pale. His demeanour turns serious. Unobservant to his brother, King of Goats springs to his feet and puts on his thobe.

King of Goats:
Let’s go! I’ll find Jesse and we shall record.

Little Omar:
Oh no. Actually, it’s not a good idea.

King Goats:
Why not?

Little Omar:
Please, you are my brother. I do not want you to get hurt. This is a bad idea.

King of Goats snatches the phone from Little Omar. Chef Roberto has replied to the challenge on Facebook:

“I accept your open challenge, you stupid pepperoni! When I beat you, I will take that goat, cook it up, and serve it down your hungry throat. If you smellllllllllllllll what the chef is cooking!”

King of Goats’ face lights up. He puts his arm around Little Omar.

King of Goats:
Do not worry Omar. This is what we both wanted. I will accept the challenge, fly to America, and buy the village new beds, not just mattresses. But first, let’s train.

King of Goats steps out of his hut just as the sun rises. A new era has begun as he starts a Rocky-style montage.

He leaps over hay bales, deadlifts two buckets of milk. His face grimaces each time he lifts. He tries to lift up Jesse the Goat, but he struggles.

Little Omar:
No pain! Just goat!

With all his strength, The King of Goats manages to put Jesse on his shoulders.

Jesse The Goat:
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

The training montage continues as the King of Goats runs up a hill with Jesse the Goat on his shoulders.

Exhausted, he staggers back down the hill. Little Omar shows him a hay bales, which he has draped a cooking apron around to make it remember Chef Roberto. The King of Goats picks it up and powerslams it to the ground.

Days turn into nights, as the village becomes abuzz with excitement. The entire village gathers around a makeshift wrestling ring in an open field as the King of Goats practices his moves on the local kids, their faces lit up with the excitement of being slammed into the mat. Jesse the Goat bleats in the background at the noise of each slam. He slams one kid so hard that he soils his thobe.

The same kids watch as The King of Goats and Little Omar film more videos taunting Chef Roberto. One kid stares into space as if he is dreaming the same dreams that the boy formerly known as Tumany once had.

As he finishes, a distant hum grows louder, capturing the attention of the villagers. Heads turn as a black 1980s Rover car emerges on the dusty road leading to the village. The King of Goats approaches it with plane tickets in hand as the car comes to a stop.

The door opens, revealing a well-dressed man with a friendly smile. The King of Goats helps Jesse the Goat inside, as Little Omar joins them on the back seat.

Villagers gather around, their faces a mix of pride and sadness to witness the departure of their local hero. As the car turns round a bend, in the rear-view mirror, he sees Brian waving goodbye. The King of Goats turns around and looks through the back window, but Brian is nowhere to be found.

The car pulls further away. The King of Goats takes one final glance back at the village where his dreams began. If he can beat Chef Roberto, then surely a new generation of wrestlers will follow, and his village will be transformed. He takes a moment and smiles.

The King of Goats is heading to AMERICA to meet Jesse Styles!!!